Shawna, a 30 year old woman and her father are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Father’s cell phone rings and he answers it. It’s his wife. She angrily demands to know when he will be home. He gets flustered. He hands the cell phone to his daughter, saying he can’t hear his wife. Shawna gets exasperated with her mother for once again putting pressure on her father. Most of her life, Shawna has tried to protect her father from her mother’s domination. She grabs the phone, yells at her mother to leave her father alone and hangs up. Her father gets upset because he knows his wife will be furious with him when he gets home. He can no longer enjoy his time with his daughter. His daughter can no longer enjoy her time with her father. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Dad’s relationship with Mom. They focus so much on Mom, it’s like she’s there with them.
What happened is triangulation.
In this scenario there is ongoing tension between the mother and father. Both father and mother triangulate the daughter – mother by phoning and interrupting the father-daughter time, and father by giving his daughter the cell phone and telling her he can’t understand the mother. The daughter allows herself to be triangulated by taking the phone and getting angry at the mother.
A better approach (avoiding triangulation):
Possibility 1: Mother does an activity by herself or with someone else. She does not call.
Possibility 2: Father turns off his cell phone, or lets it go to voice mail.
Possibility 3: Father answers the call and deals with it himself, does not involve their daughter.
Possibility 4: Daughter does not accept the cell phone when father holds it out to her. She refuses to be hooked in and reassures her father that he can handle it. She says, “This is between you and Mom. I’m going to stay out of it. You can handle it.” Father deals with the call. Father and daughter continue their time together, not talking about mother.
Mother and Father will reorganize their relationship differently if they stop triangulating – or are unable to triangulate their daughter. That would be healthy for all concerned.
Be aware of triangulation in your relationships. Once aware, you can choose to be involved or you can respectfully decline.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Tags: adult, children, communication, dynamics, family, parents, relationships