Posts Tagged ‘triangulation’

Triangulation Part 4: An Affair to Forget

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Elizabeth was in her late 20s.  She came to therapy because she was married and having an affair for 5 years.  She wanted to have children, but knew she couldn’t until she resolved her current dilemma.  It went against her own standards and values to be having an affair.  She had tried to stop it, but she had not been able to.  She was conflicted about leaving her marriage.  During Two-You Work around her conflict, an early recollection emerged.  At age 4, she remembers attending her younger sister’s funeral.  Across the graveside, she could see the pain etched on her father’s face.  Her father had accidentally backed over her sister with the car and killed her.  Somehow, as a 4 year old,  she decided not to have children because if ever she lost one, the pain would be too great.  By having the affair she was in effect blocking her natural desire to have children of her own.  Once this early recollection was brought to her awareness and was processed, Elizabeth was able to make changes in her life.  She left her husband and explored a permanent relationship with her lover. This did not work out.  She and her husband reconciled.  When Elizabeth quit therapy she was pregnant and happily expecting her first child.

An affair is often the result of triangulation.  In Elizabeth’s case, she triangulated a lover to unconsciously prevent her from having children.  Her injunction about not having children resulted from a repressed trauma at age 4.  She had never healed from the trauma and operated out of her awareness.  She could not do anything about what she did not know.

This example shows how important it is to access and heal traumas from the past.  This can be done in part by talking about the past.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

 

 

 

Triangulation Part 1: Understanding Family Dynamics

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Gladys hear the familiar voices.  They were getting louder and Louder.  This was nothing new. It happened all the time.  “I wonder what it is about this time”, she asked herself.  She wandered towards the sounds making sure she wasn’t making any noise. Then she heard another familiar voice – her brother’s. As usual he was coming to his mother defense.  He’d been doing this for as long as she could remember.  She watched as they all argued.  There was no point in her doing anything because they never listened to her. She slipped away back to her room.  They didn’t even notice she had been there.

What happened is triangulation.

When there is tension between two family members, a third family member is often drawn into the issue. When one child gets involved, the other children often feel “off the hook”, and they remain passive or just ignore their parents.  The function of triangulation is to diffuse the tension between the two who are stressed with each other.  The downside is that the dynamics between family members can become unhealthy for all members of a family.

In healthy families parents avoid triangulating the children when they are stressed with each other.  They tell their child that the issue is between them, and they will take care of it. Parents would remove themselves from the children’s earshot, or they would tell the children to go to their rooms or go outside and stay out of it. They would work it out themselves if possible. By the parents keeping their differences between themselves, the family dynamic remains healthy. The parents are a unit and the children know it.

Sometimes triangulation happens between parent and child and the other parent is drawn in.

Example:

Arlie and her son were arguing about his playing rugby.  She didn’t want him to play because she was afraid he’d get injured.  Stan intervened on behalf of his son and all three argued. Mom felt unsupported and angry at dad. The issue shifted from playing rugby to who was going to have their way.

A better approach (avoiding triangulation):

Stan lets his wife and son have their conversation. Later, when they are alone, Stan discusses the issue with his wife. The issue remains about playing rugby and mom’s concerns about her son getting injured. It does not become about the dynamics of their relationship with each other.

When is it NOT triangulation?

Family members can have a discussion about an issue without triangulation if the discussion remains about the topic and does not become about the dynamics between them, such as who is right/who is wrong or who is allied with whom.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea