Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

Does my Ex Still Love Me?

Mike opened up another card. His mother had died recently and he was still receiving sympathy cards from friends, family and acquaintances. This card was from a woman he had not seen in over 25 years – an old flame from his university years. He had not thought of her in years. He started reminiscing about those times and the fun they had together. He tried to remember what had gone wrong between them and why he had married his current wife instead of her. He looked back down at the card. She’d included her phone number and an invitation to ‘catch up’ with each other. Should he call?

The divorce rate for first marriages is close to 50% and even higher for second and third marriages. The divorce rate for marriages of old flames who marry after 15, 20 and 30+ years is only 3-4%. According to Nancy Kalish, Ph.D, a professor of psychology at California State University who is studying former lovers who reunite, 60% of reunions last.

We are drawn to the familiar. We don’t have to get to know a former lover, an old flame knows us and we know them. We already know their history and who they are. We always remember the younger person we fell in love with. In a new relationship we will never know the younger person inside the way we know a former lover.

We are living much longer now so it’s possible to have a marriage of 20-25 years, get divorced and have another marriage of 20-25 years. Many people are looking up an old love at reunions and on the Internet. Modern technology makes it so easy today.

Often though, when we remember an old love, we remember the part of the relationship that was good. This is especially true if we are unhappily married, or alone and longing for a love and companionship. So it’s important to remember why that relationship broke up – what went wrong. If neither of you has changed, then you might recreate the problems that were there before and be hurt again.

Dr. Kalish warns that rekindled relationship are intense. Before you do your search on Facebook or go to a reunion think it through.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: former, lover, romance
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Dreams Part 4: Dreams can be literal and metaphorical.

Dreams can be literal.

Example 1: The dryer burst in to flames.

Once I bought a new clothes dryer. About a week after I bought it, I dreamed that it burst into flames. I woke up with a start. I instantly knew what the dream was about. The filter on the new dryer was in a different place and I had forgotten to clean it. “Bursting into flames” was my fear of what I believed could happen. The dream was simply my mind’s way of reminding me to clean the filter.

In many cases of interpreting dreams you need to consider several factors.

It is possible to detect malfunctions in machines and vehicles through your senses, such as sight, hearing, smell, and touch. Because we live busy lives we may not be aware consciously that we picked up information, yet our dreams may let us know while we sleep.

Example 2: I am driving up a steep hill and at the top of the hill the engine falls out of the car. Nothing else happens, no accident, no one is hurt.

When I woke up, I remembered sitting in my car the night before, waiting for my son to come out of his karate class. While waiting, I was off in my mind thinking about lots of things. The weather was cold and I remember seeing steam rising up from the hood of the car. So when I next drove my car, I looked at the engine gauge. The engine was getting too hot too fast. I took it to the garage and learned there was a hole in a hose.

Dreams can be Metaphors:

Example 1: Marlene dreamed that two of her co-workers were in bed together.

During work, Marlene had detected something was going on between two of her co-workers but she did not register it consciously. Their connection with each other came to her at night in her dream.

Their being in bed together could mean they are sexually involved with each other and keeping it secret, or it could mean they are conspiring with each other about work and it has nothing to do with sex. Being in bed together can be a metaphor for secretly allying with each other in the work (or other) situation.

Now that this has been brought to Marlene’s attention, she can figure out consciously whether their alliance is sexual or conspiratorial.

Example 2: My good friend from university was pregnant.

Many years ago, before I had children, I had this dream. Curious, I decided to phone her and catch up with her. It turns out she was, in fact, pregnant. I could not have known about it, as I had not had any contact with her for several years. She lived in Eastern Canada and I lived on the West Coast.

When we dream about people from the past what it means depends on whether that person is in our life currently or not. If they are, the meaning may be about the real person. When they are not in your current life, it means they represent something to you.

My friend was married in university, had had one child and got pregnant with her second child when I knew her. While the dream was about her, I believe the dream stemmed more from my own strong desire at the time to have children of my own. Dreaming that she was pregnant, and it turning out to be true, was probably more a coincidence than intuition. She represented fertility and family to me, which I longed for myself at the time.

People too often take dreams literally when they are metaphors for what is going on in one’s current life. While they may be literal, consider the possibility they may be metaphorical or symbolic when interpreting your dreams.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: Dreams, interpretation, meaning, sleep, understanding
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Dreams Part 3: Learning to Interpret Your Dreams.

Dreams have meaning even if we cannot figure out what the meaning is. Interpreting our own dreams is difficult because we are so close to ourselves it’s hard to get perspective. Yet it can be done.

Dreams deal with our current life and what is going on in it.

If you dream of someone from our past, whom you have not seen in years, it means that person represents something for you and relates to your current life. For example, you dream of the girl in high school who was considered a sexpot (she is not in your current life); it means she symbolizes something about sex for you which somehow does relate to your current life. If she is also in your current life, it may mean something about the real person and your relationship to her or someone else that relates to sex.

If you dream of something in the future, such as becoming rich, it relates to the present and what is motivating your current behaviors.

Meaning is based in context.

We all have shared meaning of words and expressions. But we also have idiosyncratic or personal meanings, which are significant when interpreting dreams. For instance, we all have a common meaning for the word ‘bridge’. However, a person, whose brother attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge, will have an additional high-charged meaning to the word ‘bridge’.

Example:

Roberta and Stan each dream of a woman with a string of pearls.

Roberta had a loving grandmother who always wore a string of pearls. She adored her grandmother and had a very close relationship to her. For Roberta, the string of pearls was symbolic of all the good times they had together. She frequently wore a string of pearls herself.

Stan had a nasty great aunt whom he hated. She always wore a string of pearls. Every time she visited their home, she made his life miserable. She disliked boys and seemed to dislike him in particular. The string of pearls was symbolic of all the times he had to endure her visits. He tended to be wary of women who wore pearls.

Association can give the meaning.

Since your brain created the dream, in some ways, you are every part of the dream. You are the producer, director, actors, creatures, setting, furniture, vegetation, sky, ground, colors, sounds, actions, words and storyline.

To find out what meaning the people, objects, creatures, and places, have for you, explore the associations you have with each one.

Example:

Joey dreams of an old man floating in a leaky boat way out at sea. The feeling tone to the dream is dread.

When Joey thought of the ‘old man’, he immediately thought of his grandfather who lived on the West Coast. His grandfather was not doing well financially. When he thought this, he had the sudden realization that he had a ‘sinking feeling’ about his future. He did not want to end up poor like his grandfather.

Try it yourself: To get the meaning of elements in your dream take each significant element and associate to it. Allow for whatever thoughts to pop into your mind. Write them down as you do it. When you find the meaning it has you will resonate with it.

Become the element.

Example:

Sara tended to overwork. Her husband was always worried about how she was going to wear herself out. Sara too wondered if she was doing too much.

Sara dreamed of a cat sleeping curled up in a wicker basket. Feeling tone to the dream is peaceful.

To try to get the meaning of the dream Sara talked as if she was the cat (another way to associate). I am a fluffy orange cat. I’m an older cat. I’m sleeping peacefully. I’m getting rest.

As Sara said this she realized she is not getting worn out. She is just fine. Like the cat she can rest, get restored and jump up and happily work some more. She just likes to work. Her next realization was – her husband is not getting enough time with her. She decided to address that issue with him instead of talking about her getting worn out.

Often the meaning of dreams is hidden in the metaphors of the dreams, such as leaky boat and rested cat. By associating to the significant elements in the dream you can get insight into what the meaning of the dream is for you.

Have fun with this method of exploring your dreams.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: dream, sleep, understand
Posted in Advice, Dreams, Emotions, Healthy Relationships | Comments Off on Dreams Part 3: Learning to Interpret Your Dreams.

Dreams Part 2: What is the Most Common Dream Theme Amongst all Cultures?

The most common theme amongst all people is the Chase or Attack Theme. This is a bad dream or nightmare in which someone or something is chasing the dreamer. The dreamer may escape sometimes and other times may get caught with disastrous results. The following example shows how a client’s Chase dreams can change in a positive way during effective therapy.

TAMING the MONSTER

When I started working with Andy (Caucasian male) he was suffering from ongoing nightmares. In the first nightmare he reported, he was frozen in terror. Nightmare: I’m standing at the end of a large culvert. There is a giant monster at the other end of the culvert growling and baring his teeth at me. I’m terrified, so terrified I cannot move. I jolt awake with my heart pounding.

As we worked together in therapy the nightmares started shifting. In the next series of nightmares, he is no longer paralyzed in fear. He is able to move. The monsters have gone. Now an alien chases him. Nightmare: I’m crossing a bridge trying to get away from an alien that is chasing me. I’m running and running. The alien is catching up to me. I startle awake in terror.

After more sessions, the nightmares continued to shift. In the nightmares he is still able to move. The alien disappears and now he is chased by several vicious dogs. Nightmare: I’m running along a dark street. There is no one around. The buildings are all dark and empty. I’m alone. Vicious dogs are chasing me. I get away from them. I wake up feeling relief.

Weeks later the nightmares become less terrifying. The creatures chasing him are no longer aliens or dogs, but humans, albeit, criminals. He does not know if they are dangerous or not. He is no longer isolated. The woman in the dream is an indication he is starting to connect to humans who are not threatening. Bad dream: I’m running through a city at night. There are several criminals chasing me. I don’t know what they want from me. I run past a place. There is a woman inside looking after a baby. I keep running. I wake up scared, but not too scared.

Last stages of therapy: He is no longer being chased. He is working with a foreign man and engaged in a joint venture of which he is in charge. Dream: I’m at an airport. I’ve hired an Asian helicopter pilot to take me up for a tour over the city. He is going to show me significant areas of the city, which I want to learn about.

After nine months of therapy, Andy decided to end therapy. He felt good about himself. The part of himself he had disowned is now re-owned. It is still a foreign part of himself, but he has made an alliance with it. He felt in control of himself and his life.

Interpretation:

At the beginning of therapy Andy has disowned his own power. The monster represents his power, which is so distorted that it is not even human or animal at this point. Through the work in therapy, he begins to own his power. It gradually shifts – from monster to alien – to dogs – to criminals – to a foreign business partner. At the end of therapy he has a working alliance with his power even though this part of himself is still foreign to him. He now feels in charge of himself and is able access the resources of this foreign part of himself. The city represents life as he is living it. By going up in a helicopter he will get a better perception of the life as he is living it. The woman in the dream represents, me, the therapist. The baby indicates a new sense of self is emerging, which he has not yet fully owned, as a result of his owning his own power and her care.

CHASE DREAMS:

In chase dreams, the dreamer is avoiding something in his or her life. The recurring theme indicates the dreamer is constantly bothered by what they are avoiding and they have to keep working to avoid whatever it is they fear will happen if they face it. Whether the danger is real or imaginary, it is helpful to know what the danger is so you can most effectively deal with it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: Dreams, emotions
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Dreams Part 1: Understanding Dreams and Dreaming.

Every night people dream. They may or may not remember the dreams. In a normal night sleep, people have four to five 90 minute cycles. With each cycle there is a period of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. During this stage of sleep people are having vivid dreams. Their eyes can be seen going rapidly back and forth under the eyelids. If someone wakes them up they will report a vivid dream. This has been proven in sleep labs. Over the night the length of the REM dreaming gets longer in each cycle, with the longest one occurring just before we wake up in the morning.

REM sleep/dreaming is essential to our physical and mental well-being. If for some reason we are unable to or are prevented from REM dreaming, we become emotionally and physically ill. If a fisherman goes out alone to fish for 48 hours and must stay awake to man his boat, he will have more periods of REM sleep than usual when he returns.

Very simply stated, one part of the brain goes to sleep while another part of the brain goes to work processing our daily life in dreams. When awake the left-brain is focusing on doing life, and all the while the right-brain is picking up information through all of the senses (hearing, sight, taste, smell, touch and others). During dreaming the right-brain synthesizes the tremendous amount of information it takes in, with the information and factual data from the left-brain.

What is the function of dreaming?

Dreaming helps people sort things out (whether they remember their dreams or not). It helps people make sense of their experiences.

It is common for people to wake up in the morning, without remembering their dreams, with a decision made or problem solved. People often say when asked to make a decision, “Let me sleep on it, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”

The dreaming brain is highly creative because it lets go of logic. Many new ideas, concepts, inventions, changes, art, and breakthroughs come from dreams.

Sarah McLaughlin was preparing to go into the studio to record an album. The morning she was to do the recording, she woke up with a song in her mind, Fly Like a Bird. She recorded the new song along with the others she was doing that day.

Recurring dreams are significant. They can be positive or negative.

Many athletes recall from an early age, dreams of winning an Olympic medal, standing on the podium and hearing their national anthem. When people want something, they work hard in the daytime to perform the skills and they dream about it at night. Their dreams are likely to come true because through their dreams they figure out how to achieve their goal.

When people are afraid they frequently dream about whatever it is that they fear – a person, an experience, an event. Recurring nightmares or bad dreams indicate that a person has an ongoing problem in his life, which he is unable to solve.

Example: Cindy, an adult, told a recurring nightmare she had for most of her childhood. She was one of five children. Both her parents were verbally and emotionally abusive. They were also physically abusive, grabbing anything at hand to hit the children with or throw at them. In the recurring nightmare, they were chasing her. She found, if she concentrated hard enough she could float up into the air and be out of their reach, although she could feel them grabbing at her feet. Some nights she couldn’t get high enough and they caught her. The nightmare stopped when she moved out of the home.

Through the next series of posts, I’m going to teach you about dreams and dreaming so you can use the knowledge to help you with your life.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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Triangulation Part 4: An Affair to Forget

Elizabeth was in her late 20s. She came to therapy because she was married and having an affair for 5 years. She wanted to have children, but knew she couldn’t until she resolved her current dilemma. It went against her own standards and values to be having an affair. She had tried to stop it, but she had not been able to. She was conflicted about leaving her marriage. During Two-You Work around her conflict, an early recollection emerged. At age 4, she remembers attending her younger sister’s funeral. Across the graveside, she could see the pain etched on her father’s face. Her father had accidentally backed over her sister with the car and killed her. Somehow, as a 4 year old, she decided not to have children because if ever she lost one, the pain would be too great. By having the affair she was in effect blocking her natural desire to have children of her own. Once this early recollection was brought to her awareness and was processed, Elizabeth was able to make changes in her life. She left her husband and explored a permanent relationship with her lover. This did not work out. She and her husband reconciled. When Elizabeth quit therapy she was pregnant and happily expecting her first child.

An affair is often the result of triangulation. In Elizabeth’s case, she triangulated a lover to unconsciously prevent her from having children. Her injunction about not having children resulted from a repressed trauma at age 4. She had never healed from the trauma and operated out of her awareness. She could not do anything about what she did not know.

This example shows how important it is to access and heal traumas from the past. This can be done in part by talking about the past.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: affair, lie, theraphy, trauma, triangulation
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Communication Skill 7: Instant Replay

When people have a negative interaction with each other, one or the other can ask for a replay of the interaction, during which they each alter their exchange in a positive way.

Example:

Let’s start over.
Let’s re-do this.
Let’s try this again.

Yesterday I saw a couple for the first time. They are a feisty couple, very engaged with each other, but at this point in their relationship, not in a good way. In the session, I was able to get them to take responsibility for what each was doing that was not working for them. I asked each to take responsibility for what they were doing in their interaction and work to change themselves rather than trying to change the other. We discussed specific ways they could change. Both are strong-willed yet still open to change. They were desperate for change and willing to try something different.

At the end of the session, while I was writing out the receipt, the couple had a small interaction that was their usual way of reacting to each other. Each was assuming the negative about the other. They realized what they had just done and were smiling at catching themselves doing it. [This type of smile is called the recognition reflex]. Neither knew what to do next.

So I said to them, “Let’s back up and do this interaction again – only differently.”

The original interaction:

Joe was smiling because he felt good about how the session went. He was looking at Amanda wondering how she was feeling about the session, but he did not say anything. He was apprehensive that her reaction would be negative.

Amanda saw the look on Joe’s face and said to him, “When you crinkled your face up like that it makes me feel insecure about how the session went.”

The new interaction:

I said to Joe – Smile again at Amanda, and tell her how you were feeling about the session.

Smiling, Joe said to Amanda, “I feel good about how the session went.”

With a warm smile, Amanda readily responded, “So do I.”

Both smiled even more. The positive emotional connection between them was clearly evident.

I thought, “This couple is fun to work with.”

Couples, and others, can learn to shift their interactions from negative to positive by backing up, redoing them differently. They just need to learn what to say that would work.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: better, communication, interaction, talk
Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Parenting, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources | 1 Comment »

Communication Skill 5: Talk with Me not at Me

Dialogues, in which the conversation flows back and forth, create connection between people.

As I was packing up my gear from my tennis lesson today the fellow who had next session came into the court. We’d met before. To be friendly and make a bid for connection, I said to him, “It’s sure great weather for tennis.” He started talking at me about how he had solved the weather question. He kept going on and on about why people should not even bother commenting about the weather. I continued to put my tennis racquet away, thinking to myself – I was just being friendly. I grabbed my jacket and towel, found a moment when he took a breath, then remarked, “That’s how people make bids for connection” (I couldn’t resist even though I didn’t think he would get it.) He continued to go on mentioning that the French had figured it out. By this time, I no longer knew what he was talking about, nor did I care, because I had tuned him out. It was not the first time that he greeted me with a monologue on a topic that I did not relate to. I thanked my tennis instructor, waved good-bye and left. I thought to myself, I have no interest in connecting to him if he is going to talk AT me.

Earlier, during my tennis lesson, my instructor and I had had a very engaging talk about the rivalry between, Federer and Nadal, the top two men in tennis. Federer had just beaten Nadal in Madrid, and the French Open was just about to start. We were both interested in the topic and what each other thought about it. The conversation went back and forth as we responded to each other and expressed our thoughts. It was an engaging conversation. What a different experience!

Talking AT is a monologue. It is a one-way conversation, even if there is an exchange with others.

When people are talking AT you they are telling you about their opinions, their points of view, what they think you should do or not do, their knowledge and expertise. They want you to hear and believe them. They want to influence you to do, or not do, what they want. They do not want your input – they only want you to ask them about what they think.

How can you tell if someone is talking AT you?

You tend to experience boredom, annoyance or restlessness. You tend to tune out the talker and think your own thoughts about what’s going on. You feel separate and detached from the talker. You easily get distracted. You might want to find an excuse to exit. You might also feel disrespected and put down.

Talking WITH is a dialogue. It is a shared conversational exchange about a topic or situation.

When people are talking WITH you they are sharing a conversation with you. They are open to your response(s) and want your input. They are engaged with you, and the conversation is mutually satisfactory or relevant. This holds true even if the dialogue is difficult.

How do you tell if someone is talking WITH you?

You experience involvement with the other person. You feel a connection to them. You feel paid attention to. You are usually interested in and focused on the topic or situation. You feel your input is wanted and welcomed. You feel respected and valued no matter what age you are.

Do you talk AT people or WITH them?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: communication, ignore, lonely, speak
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Communication Skill 3: How to Handle Mixed Messages

Mixed messages cause lots of communication problems in intimate relationships and in relationships in general.

A mixed message (or double message) is communication that sends conflicting information, verbally and/or non-verbally.

First of all, you need to know when you are receiving a mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.

When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms:

1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.
2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.
3. What a person says conflicts with what they do.
4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.

How to respond

When you receive a mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender. Share your confusion of thoughts and feelings. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive, reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner, the sender is most likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.

You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.

Examples:

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH WORDS:

1. I’m puzzled. Last week you said you think mothers should stay home with their babies (words), and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.
2. I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words), and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).

WHEN WORD DO NOT MATCH BEHAVIOURS:

1. I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping (words), yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).
2. I’m not sure what to do. You say you want me to be affectionate (words), yet when I touch you, you push me away (behaviors).
3. I’m confused. You said you would help me (words), but now you’re going to the store.
4. I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words), but when they are here, you spend a lot of time on your phone (behaviors).

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH BODY LANGUAGE:

1. You say you’re fine (words), yet you look sad (body language).
2. I’m not sure what to believe. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words), yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).
3. You say you’re listening to me (words), but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.

You cannot stop or prevent others from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other person about your confusion, you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. This has the potential to improve connection.

When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.

If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve connection.

Experiment with this skill and see how communication and connection shifts.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: communication, confusion, mixed messages, understanding
Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics | 2 Comments »

6 Steps to Enhancing Your Self-Esteem

There are many things in life that we have to accept because we can do nothing about them. The one thing we can change is how we relate to ourselves.

As said in previous posts (Understanding Self-Estseem and How it Develops, How early experience shape one’s relationship with one’s self and Self-Esteem – a by-product of how you treat yourself) we first have to realize we have developed a style over time. We need to become aware of what our style is. We may even develop different styles with different people and in different situations. The styles may be healthy or unhealthy. If a style is positive, such as, respecting oneself, it does not need changing (other than to enhance what is already done). This can last a lifetime.

The styles that need changing are the ones which are unhealthy, such as not respecting, disparaging, negating, hurting or judging oneself harshly. Many people have harsh inner critics, treating themselves in ways they would never treat another human being.

STEPS TO CHANGE:

1: Become aware of your own personal styles.

2: Build a solid foundation. Identify the positive interactions within yourself and choose to do them more often.

Scenario: Wenda likes to try new things even though she gets anxious. The risks she takes are reasonable and safe. She encourages herself to keep taking risks by saying to herself. ” I can do this.” Afterwards she gives herself credit. When it turns out well she says to herself, “Good for me. I did it.” If it goes badly, she says to herself, “OK, that did not go well, but I learned from it. At least I tried it.”

3: Change what needs changing. Identify the negative interactions and target them for change.

Scenario: Wenda would not allow herself to accept compliments. She would dismiss, ignore or deny them.
She decided she wanted to receive compliments. She knew if she could take them in, she would feel better about herself.

4: Figure out new behaviours to replace the old ones.

This takes planning and experimentation. You cannot operate in a void. You need to replace the old way with a new way.

Scenario: Wenda decided on 4 new ways she would respond when someone complemented her:

Thank you.
I’m glad you think so.
It’s good to hear that.
I appreciate your saying that.

5: The Choice Point.

This is the point at which you are aware you are (or are about to) treat yourself badly, and you mindfully decide to continue to do it, or you decide to do something different.

Scenario: Wenda’s friend complimented her on her hair. Wenda, without thinking, replied sarcastically, “Oh yeah, right.” Suddenly, Wenda realized she had just done her old thing. She looked at her friend and said, “I mean, thank you.”

6: Practice, practice, practice.

Experimenting means that sometimes what you try will go badly. Expect those times to happen. Do your best to laugh them off, dismiss them, and learn from them. Encourage and support yourself to try again. Gradually, you’ll replace a bad habit with a good habit, an unhealthy habit with a healthy habit.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: self-esteem, self-love
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Self-Esteem is a by-product of how you treat yourself.

Everyone has a relationship with him or her self. It is the quality of that relationship that determines the level of one’s self-esteem.

If you listen to people when they talk, you can detect whether they value themselves or not:

I’m mad at myself for forgetting to ……..
I’m pleased with myself. I figured out how to do it on my own.
I’m such a coward. I can’t face………
What do I know, I’m just a silly old woman.
I feel really good about myself for sticking to my exercise program.
I’m such a loser!
I feel more confident now that I have completed my course.
I can be really hard on myself.
I have a difficult time accepting positive feedback.

Self-esteem can also be observed in body language:

Sue wraps her arms around herself when she’s scared.
Jack slaps the top of his head when he’s annoyed with himself.
Jaime soothes herself by stroking her hair.
Andrew twists the hair on the top of his head when he is nervous.
Sam calms himself by stroking his beard.

We are so close to ourselves it is hard to have clear perspective on ourselves. It is easier to see how others treat themselves than it is to be aware of how we treat ourselves. Our relationship happens in our heads with words and images and in our bodies with sensations. Hold the palm of your hand an inch from your nose. You can see your hand, but it is a blur. Gradually pull your hand away until your hand comes into focus. Now you can see your hand in clear detail.

This is what happens with your relationship with yourself. To be aware of the quality of your relationship with yourself, it helps to gain some perspective. You may know that you are hard on yourself or that you feel guilty a lot of the time, but you may not realize how you make that happen inside your head.

AWARENESS IS THE KEY TO CHANGE

To increase your awareness of how you treat yourself start by noticing:

What you say about yourself (your choice of words and the metaphors you use).
How you say it (the tone of voice, body language).
What images you see.

That’s it for now, Just notice.

Next post: What to do next.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: body language, emotions, myself, self-esteem, self-love, yourself
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Troubled Relationship | Comments Off on Self-Esteem is a by-product of how you treat yourself.

How early experience shape one’s relationship with one’s self.

Children need their parents’ love, attention, acceptance, and guidance as a plant needs water. If they do not get it growing up, as adult they may spend their whole lives trying to get it from their parents. They may also try to get it from bosses, friends, teachers, coaches,and neighbours as well.

Children tend to treat themselves how they are treated by their parents. If both parents treated them well, children are likely to internalized this style, and treat themselves well. This is also true if their parents treated them badly; they are likely to internalize that style and treat themselves badly. Children’s self-esteem is also affected by how their parents treat each other.

It’s not that simple though. Families are complicated. There are so many factors influencing children’s self-esteem as they grow: birth order, extended family, religious affiliations, talents, energy level, school and others. Sometimes parents and grandparents (even other family members and teachers) prefer one gender to another. Perhaps one parent prefers boys and the other prefers girls. How people treat each gender impacts the children’s self-esteem positively or negatively. Witnessing one’s siblings being favored or unflavored also influences his or her own self-esteem.

My father was the eldest of 10. I don’t know why, but he did not like boys. Growing up I was unaware of this, so I did not notice how he treated my brothers. Perhaps it was because my father had 7 brothers and 2 sisters. I was lucky. I was born a girl in this family. I felt adored by my father and I enjoyed his attention. I liked being a girl.

It is common knowledge that parents, who treat their children badly, harm their children’s self-esteem. It is also possible to harm a child’s self-esteem by excessive and undeserved praise.

Scenario

From the time Cercy was born, she was praised excessively by both parents, but mostly her mother. Her self-esteem was extremely high. She thought she was marvellous in every way. When she went to school, she got a reality check. She was not nearly as competent and capable as she had been led to believe. It shook her confidence to the core. She began to doubt herself. She would dismiss praise or any positive feedback she received.

At the core of self-esteem is one’s relationship to one’s self. What a child experiences in their family of origin, extended family, the neighbourhood, school, and other childhood experiences, heavily influences how a child treats himself.

This pattern, established in childhood, goes into the subconscious and operates out of awareness. When the relationship with self is positive, no problem is created so it may work well for a lifetime. If it’s not, it needs to be revised. But how?

Next post will discuss how.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: self-esteem, self-loathing, self-love
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Parenting | Comments Off on How early experience shape one’s relationship with one’s self.

Can I Please have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Estseem and How it Develops

People tend to think of self-esteem almost as if it is a product you can buy. Perhaps it is because of all the advertising which shows people smiling and feeling good when they use the products. Or, they think of it as a condition, like needing more iron in their diet or getting more rest.

Self-esteem is the result or outcome of one’s relationship with one’s self. It is a by-product of how a person treats him or herself.

How do people develop a relationship with self?

Children are not born having a relationship with self. It starts with their relationship with others. Parents do things to them and with them. Babies and toddlers respond and react to the ways in which they are handled and cared for. Over time they develop a relationship with self from how they are treated by others. The quality of those interactions is a major factor in determining the quality of relationship a child develops with himself.

Children are not born loving themselves. They learn they are loveable (or not) by the experiences of being loved by those that look after them. At first, love comes externally. If they feel loveable, over time children internalize the love they experience and in this way they learn to love themselves.

How do children determine whether they are loved and valued or not?

Scenario:

Billy knew he was loved. As a baby, his mother’s eyes lit-up when she saw him. She talked to him a lot. She was always affectionate with him and took very good care of him.

His father smiled at him frequently. He spent time with him: playing roughhousing, sports and games. He taught him many things about the world and the way it worked. If Billy had any questions or problems, he knew he could always go to either parent. They stood up for him whenever they thought he needed support and gave him constant guidance. His parents did not have much money, yet they created a safe fun environment.

Billy felt loved, valued, understood, protected, and accepted. He felt cherished, just because he existed. He felt he belonged in his family. He felt good about himself, confident in himself and his abilities. To him, the world was an amazing place.

Scenario 2

Sammy was not sure if he was loved or not. He had a sad mother. She took care of him, but she rarely smiled at him. She often did not look at him directly as she cared for him. She was impatient, yelling a lot. She was seldom affectionate, and she seemed to resent the time she spent with him. She read a lot. Sometimes she was okay, even telling him she loved him. But Sammy did not feel loved.

Dad was away half the time, and when he was home he was tired and distracted. He did not have time or energy for Sammy. When he heard his parents arguing, it was always about him. He felt like it was his fault, that he was bad, but he wasn’t sure how. The family had money, and it seemed to Sammy that money is what mattered, not him.

Sammy did not feel loved or valued. He felt he was a burden on his mother and father. He tried to be as good as he could to please his parents, but it rarely worked. He didn’t really feel he belonged to this family, more like he was visiting and it would soon end. He did not feel good about himself. He was unsure of how to be and how to act. The world was a scary place that he had to figure out on his own.

Each child comes to conclusions about themselves from their experiences of interactions with parents and others in their childhood. These conclusions may be accurate or inaccurate. Children do not even realize they come to conclusions; they are just living their lives. Some adults report specific memories of decisions they deliberately made as a young child. But most of the time, these conclusions are made without realizing it, get buried in the subconscious and operate out of awareness.

When a child has felt loved, valued and connected to the significant people in his life, he is more likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have high self- esteem. Conversely, when a child experiences lack of love and belonging, he is less likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have low self-esteem.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: self-esteem, self-loathing, self-love
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Parenting, Relationship Dynamics | Comments Off on Can I Please have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Estseem and How it Develops

Getting started in Yoga

For years I knew of yoga but I did not learn about it. I thought it was just about stretching and nothing more. I like action so it had no appeal for me. About five years ago I decided to try it. There was a yoga studio below my office and it couldn’t be more convenient.

The first few sessions I found very tedious. I kept looking at the clock on the wall – only 5 minutes have gone by. My mind was full of chatter. I continued and looked at the clock again – only two minutes had gone by. However, I kept paying attention to the instructor, listening to her voice directing me to my body.

It took about five sessions of listening to the instructor and paying attention to my body before something happened. Then, unexpectedly, in one session I felt a shift. I started to yawn and continued to yawn throughout the session. I experienced time differently. Time seemed to expand, and yet go by quickly. Time ceased to matter. The chatter in my mind stopped. My body was the focus in a way I’d never experienced before. At the end of the session I fell asleep and the instructor woke me up by gently shaking my leg. I felt refreshed and restored.

Now when I do yoga I know that to get the experience of yoga, I focus on my body. Sometimes it takes me longer than others to make the shift. But I know when it happens because I start to yawn and the sense of time changes.

I realized from this experience that yoga is a state of being. By focusing on my body in the moment, I shifted from one part of my brain (thinking brain) to a different part (sensing brain). I achieved the state of yoga through my body. Once I experienced this state of being, I gained a whole new understanding and respect for yoga.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Emotions, Personal Stories | Comments Off on Getting started in Yoga

Let the signals your body sends you be your guide to action.

People tend to think what they experience, positive or negative, comes “out of the blue”. But usually there are signals along the way that they do not recognize.

The first time I ever experienced exhaustion was after having my first baby. I had no idea what exhaustion felt like. I had had a difficult birth, spent 8 days in the hospital, and when I got home I just expected myself to carry on as I had before the birth. One afternoon a neighbour came over to visit and see the new baby. She asked me how I was, and I responded that I was fine. We talked some more, and she asked me again how I was. Again, I responded that I was fine. The third time she asked me I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I got her to leave, and then I thought I’d go grocery shopping because I knew that out in public I’d stop crying. Well, I had difficulty paying the cashier for the groceries because the tears were rolling down my face and I could not talk. She couldn’t give me my change fast enough. Once I got home I had to acknowledge that something was wrong with me, and it took me a while to realize it was exhaustion.

Because of that experience, I learned that my body gives me signals about my level of fatigue. But because I had never been exhausted before, I did not recognize the signals. Even if I had noticed them, I would not have known what to do about it.

What I learned about myself. When I’m somewhat tired my left eyelid twitches, and when I’m very tired, I get a specific type of nausea. These two signals now guide me on when I need to rest. The eyelid twitch is a ‘heads-up’ to plan to get some rest soon, and the nausea is strong message I need to rest ASAP. I have learned to respect these signals and act on them. It prevents me from getting to the state of exhaustion again.

Pay attention to the sensations in your body and learn what they mean.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: Exhaustion, fatigue, tired
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Personal Stories | Comments Off on Let the signals your body sends you be your guide to action.

Preventable Medicine for Skin Hunger – the Deprivation of Touch.

Yesterday I had my regular bi-weekly full body massage. I knew it would feel good but knowing it would feel good and the experience of feeling good are two different things. It’s like, “Aaaaaaah that’s what I’ve been missing.”, but didn’t know it.

I often need massage because I have some injury from tennis, looking after my grandson or some other activity. But the best massages are when I’m fully fit and healthy. After several years my massage therapist knows my body better than I do. It’s nice having someone know your body so well. He knows where I carry my tension and works it out of my body when I didn’t even know it was there. He knows where I’ve had injuries and makes extra focus on those areas.

I enjoy deep tissue massage. Not everybody does. I like the strong pressure on my skin and muscles even when it sometimes hurts. The lighter massage feels pleasant but it does not impact me the way deep tissue does.

Yesterday, as my massage therapist was working on my lower leg, I was reminded of the experience of making passionate love in the past. I did not feel sexually aroused. The strong pressure on my skin and muscles made me feel – it is difficult to put into words – alive, present, impacted and loved. I did not feel loved by my massage therapist – of course we have a good report– it was the pressure he was applying that reminded me of feeling loved during passionate love-making in the past when I was touched that intensely. It felt good to remember.

During massage I find it difficult to stay focused on the part of my body being touched. I can do it for short times and then my mind goes off to the future or the past. Then I’m brought back to the present by the wonderful pressure on my skin and muscles. I stay with the sensations for awhile. It’s difficult to stay in the moment, but oh so satisfying when I do. I experience a pleasant kind of grogginess at the end of the session. I move slowly.

Humans need to touch and be touched. That’s why we love children and pets because they seek us out for touch and we get our need to touch and be touched by caring for them and playing with them. Couples frequently massage each others’ backs, feet and, of course, other parts. When my sons were teens, giving them occasional back rubs was a way I connected with them and expressed love without them thinking I was being soppy.

It is important to have regular massage treatments if you are not in a current relationship. Skin hunger can build up over time. Without intending to, people who are deprived often act out sexually (especially when alcohol and drugs are involved) and have regrets afterward.

In our current North American life style we often are too much in our heads – thinking thinking thinking – which disconnects us from our bodies. Massage helps us keep connected to our bodies and helps us remain balanced between mind and body in a healthy way.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Compatible Decision Quiz, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Decision Quiz, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

“Monkey Fingers” Tell us that the Brain is Aways Adapting to Current Life Situations and Events.

I read a fascinating book while on holidays titled, The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. He puts forward research results in easy to read language. As the title indicates, it is about brain plasticity; how the brain, animal and human, can adapt and change in amazing ways.

The one study that stood out for me was the one about monkeys. The researches tracked the neural pathways of a monkey from its brain to each of its five digits on one hand. Then they stitched together two of the digits. After several months, they tracked the neural pathways from the brain to the digits again. This time, the neural pathways of the two fingers stitched together had combined into one pathway. They then unstitched the fingers. After several months they tracked the neural pathways again. Sure enough, the united pathway had separated again, providing separate neural pathways for each digit.

This shows that the brain is constantly adapting to current changes, events and situations.

That gives us humans an idea how our brains change physically and even emotionally. When we make changes in the present our brains adapt.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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I can’t Face Putting on my ‘Monkey Suit’ and Going to Work Anymore.

Once upon a time a man who could no longer function at work. He was severely depressed on permanent disability. He said for years he would get up in the morning, put on his ‘Monkey Suit’ and go to work. Then one morning, after a particularly bad day the day before, he could not get out of bed. “I just could not face putting on my ‘Monkey Suit’ one more time.

He had all the symptoms of severe depression: no energy, sad all the time, lost confidence in himself, lack of interest in anything, felt flat or numb, felt like a failure, felt like he was being punished, highly critical of himself, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, thoughts of suicide, difficulty making the smallest decisions, highly irritable, difficulty concentrating, very pessimistic about his future and total loss of interest in sex.

He stayed at home and did nothing. He would stay up late at night and into the early hours playing video games or watching TV. That time of the night he felt no expectations, from himself or others, to be working. Also, he had time to himself as the rest of his family slept. Then he would sleep late in the mornings or nap in the afternoons. His doctor had referred him for therapy and finally, after six months, he went.

In therapy he talked about how he had never liked his work because it did not fit who he was. He had to act like someone else to be able to do it. He thought about changing careers but was not sure what he wanted to do. He got caught up in the usual phases of life and needed to earn a living to support his family. He felt trapped, so just kept on going – that is until he could no longer do it. His life was at a crossroads.

As he talked over many sessions, it became clear to me that he was very angry on some level, although he did not sound angry or act angry. He said he did not feel angry. I believed him. I knew he was out of touch with his own emotions. Every time he put on his ‘Monkey Suit’ he had to disconnect from himself and what he felt.

One day I gave him some homework. I suggested that he make a ‘bat’ out of newspaper – roll up a newspaper, wrap duct tape around it. Then find a place in his home where he could hit with the ‘bat’. I told him the ‘rules’ of doing attacking type motions.

When he came to the next session he looked different. His face had changed. He was animated. He told me what he’d done. He said he made five of the newspaper bats and took them down to his basement. He hit on a pole with each ‘bat’ until it was in shreds. He said after all 5 ‘bats’ were in shreds he lay in an exhausted heap on top of them. He had accessed his rage and channeled it onto the pole.

As a result, he came alive, reconnecting to his emotions. His emotions let him know what he liked and what he did not like. Gradually he started making changes. Over the next weeks and months he found a new meaning for his life which gave him direction. This led to a new career which was congruent with who he was as a person. No more “Monkey Suit’!

Sometimes, when we over ride our wants and needs, when we procrastinate in taking action to make the changes we need to make, our body shuts down and forces us to take stock.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Job Decision Quiz | Comments Off on I can’t Face Putting on my ‘Monkey Suit’ and Going to Work Anymore.

The Death of each Parent is a Life Experience

A good friend of mine recently lost her mother and is grieving deeply. As a mutual friend and I were talking about her loss, we starting talking about losing our own parents. I told her about my experience of losing my parents.

(more…)

Posted in Emotions, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Don’t Kiss and Tell. One Way to Save your Relationship after an Affair.

In an article, May 2009, in MORE Magazine, called After the Affair, Wendy B. seeks complete honesty from her straying husband when she stumbles upon an email to his lover. Yet later, as they work toward putting their marriage back together, she regretted it. She says, “At the time I felt I had to know; now I wish I could block out some of those details.”

Breach of trust creates the most damage when an affair happens. When a couple is attempting to recover from the deception and lies that occurred, honesty seems to be front and center of their focus. In trying to regain trust the injured partner usually asks a million questions about the affair. The offending partner usually answers them honestly with the hope that they will regain trust.

It’s what partners do with the details that causes problems and can get in the way of reconciliation. Usually partners, male and female, dwell on the details creating scenarios with them in their heads over and over again. The hurt goes on and on. Sometimes the smallest details about the relationship and the sex can cause deep anguish. Wendy B. says. “Hearing about how she had stepped in to help him buy our family’s food bothered me almost as much as the thought of the two of them naked together.”

A loving thing to do is to be honest with your partner but not give specific details of interactions with a former lover. This will create different problems but ones that are less difficult to recover from. If reconciliation is not possible because of refusing to disclose details then it probably would not be possible if you did. As everyone knows, there are no guarantees.

If you are the one that strayed and you want a chance at reconciliation, do not disclose details because you love your partner and because you don’t want to hurt him or her anymore than you already have.

If you are the one that was betrayed, do not ask your partner to disclose details because you don’t want to be hurt any more than you already have been and because you want a chance to reconcile.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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Good News and Bad News about Fighting in the Family

What is considered fighting?

Joey comes into the kitchen wanting a cookie. It’s just before dinner and the smell of dinner is adding to Joey’s hunger. Dad is cooking dinner and knows if he gives Joey a cookie it will take the edge off his appetite for dinner. They argue about whether or not Joey can have a cookie. Would you consider this a fight?

What is fighting for some people is not fighting for others. Raised voices – yelling – hitting – which of these is your definition of fighting?

When asked for their definition of fighting, parents of preschoolers responded with answers such as – conflicted communication, not listening, not hearing, arguing, punching, hitting, yelling, arguing in a strong way beyond reason and logic, walking away from the issue, misunderstandings, disagreements, raised blood pressure, lots of anger and frustration, loss of rational thought, high stress and more.

In this post fighting is considered any conflict, from a minor squabble to a physical battle.

What is good about fighting in a family?

Fighting prepares children for conflict in life, both at home in the family and in the world at large. Children who grow up in families where there never is any fighting, or parents hide fighting from the children or fighting is not allowed, are not prepared to deal with conflict whether it be with family members or with other people outside the family. Children need to experience fighting to learn how to handle it. Then they can better protect themselves and those they care about through life.

Because there will always be conflicts in families, it is not a question of if but how members of a family fight. There are different ways to fight and it is really beneficial for children to learn to fight in a healthy constructive ways.

What is unhealthy fighting?

In unhealthy fighting parents and children try to get what they want from each other and do not care if they hurt, inconvenience or harm each other. They argue and yell, but they never get to a better place. After the fight is over there are just bad feelings and a sense of frustration. No resolution. No positive change.

I call these the merry-go-round fights. It’s like getting on a merry-go-round, going round and round, and when you get off you’re no further ahead than before you got on. At first you’re willing to get on the merry-go-round, that is, you’re willing to engage in a fight, but after awhile you realize that there is no point in spending the time and energy because you will be in the same place, maybe even worse, after it’s over. So you stop engaging in fighting. You withdraw. You disengage from whoever it is you’re fighting with – maybe others as well.

Fighting that is loud, excessive, violent or out of control is terrifying for children. Yelling terrifies children and makes their bodies cringe in distress. They can get so traumatized from it that they avoid conflict at all costs or become bullies themselves. They often grow up to be fearful adults or bullies and are emotionally handicapped.

What is healthy fighting?

In healthy fighting parents and children stand up for themselves and consider each other as they are do so. They try to find win/win outcomes. The fight gets resolved and the relationship improves. Everyone feels good about the outcome. The fight is worthwhile.

It’s really helpful for children to watch their parent have a fight with each other and resolve the fight in a productive way. They learn from this that fighting, even though it may be distressful, is normal and can be constructive. They learn how a marriage and couple relationship works – that there will be fighting and that it can be resolved.

Healthy fighting prepares children for life. They experience it and learn to tolerate it. They learn to take part and work toward constructive outcomes. They learn, through experience and modeling of their parents that fighting can make for better relationships and a better life.

To learn to handle differences and resolve problems see the protocol: Sooner Better than Later. It is designed for couples but is appropriate for family members too.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Tags: advice, children, couples, fight, relationship
Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Parenting, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources, Troubled Relationship | Comments Off on Good News and Bad News about Fighting in the Family

Healthy Ways to Smash Stuff. What Everyone Should Know about Anger.Pt. 5

The urge to smash something is a common reaction people have when they are angry. Many people, men and women, have smashed their phones, landline and cell phones, when they hear what they don’t want to hear. This can be expensive, not to mention inconvenient.

In the movie the movie, The Godfather, Michael Corleone’s pregnant sister smashes many dishes as her husband, for sinister reasons of his own, provokes her into a nasty fight.

In the February 2009 issue of Psychology Today there is an article about a smashing business in San Diego, called the Smash Shack, started by Sarah Lavely. While going through a difficult divorce she found smashing items on her driveway helped her to deal with her frustrations. Now, her business provides a safe outlet for others to handle their frustrations and let go of anger and rage.

Many years ago I saw a documentary done in Japan that showed people going to places where they could break three foot high ceramic vases as well as plates and other dishes. I saw men hitting old TV’s with sledgehammers. (I do not remember the name of the programme. If anyone knows of it please tell me. It certainly impressed me at the time.)

I believe there is something about smashing that allows the cells of the muscles to release. It is both the action of smashing as well as the sound of smashing that creates the release. When the cells release anger dissipates. Then people are able to let go of their anger rather than hang on to it. Note: if you do fear going completely out of control then do not attempt this. Seek professional help.

One time I was working with a police officer who was containing a lot of rage and feared ‘losing it’ on the job. We got a large garbage can, lots of bottles, stones and protective eye wear. The officer found it difficult to started smashing but once he began he found it easy to continue. He experienced the exercise as very therapeutic.

Another time I worked with a woman who was having images of holding a hammer over her finance’s head. Acting violent was totally out of character for her. She was horrified that she was having such images and feared she was going crazy . She told me she was frustrated because her boyfriend was taking so long ending his previous relationship. But when she was with him she wanted their time together to be good so she did not express her frustration to him. She did not realize that she was enraged at him. Once she acknowledged her anger and found a way to express it, the disturbing images went away.

Act rather react.

If you feel anger building up inside you or are having disturbing images then deliberately plan a way to allow yourself to smash or do other attacking motions. Have one or more people with you to act as a container. Just their presence will allow you to express anger without going out of control. Letting yourself express anger is like preventative medicine. You are much less likely to spontaneously ‘lose it’ during the day-to-day problems of your life because the anger will not be building up.

Check out the rules for expressing anger and rage.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea.

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Healthy Ways to Express Anger. What Everyone Should Know about Anger.Pt.4

It’s OK to be angry.

What is important is WHEN and HOW to be angry.

Scenario: Jack was furious at his boss for undermining his authority yet again. He wanted to quit! He felt powerless. He met with a business colleague and was telling him about what had happened. The business colleague had offered him a job before and told him the offer was still open. Jack was interested. That would serve his boss right if he quit. Still furious Jack said he’d like to think about it and get back to him.

Jack went home. He rolled up a newspaper and put duct tape around it. After making four more paper bats he went down into his basement. He found a pole and wailed on the pole until all five of the paper bats were in shreds. He was exhausted. His anger was gone. As he rested he realized that he did not want to leave his current job. He realized that besides liking the job, he valued the people he worked with and would miss them. He decided that he would find a way to address his issues with his boss.

When people are angry they want to attack or defend – anger has a purpose – make something happen or stop something from happening. There are many ways to express anger constructively and productively.

Allow your body to do what it needs to do.

Four rules:

1. Do not hurt anyone else.

2. Do not hurt yourself.

3. Do not damage or destroy anything of value.

4. Do this alone only if you are confident that you can control your impulses. If you are not sure, seek out one or more people you trust to act as monitors for you. Or, seek professional help.

Types of attacking motions:

Slapping, hitting, pounding, chopping, stomping, swatting, poking, throwing, smashing, slamming, grabbing, kneading, kicking, shoving, squeezing, pushing, pinching, pulling, screaming, ripping, tearing, cutting (with knives, scissors).

Sports

Many sports provide us with outlets for anger by doing attacking motions. Hockey, soccer, tennis. Racquetball, badminton, football, volleyball, basketball, boxing, wrestling, archery, darts and more.

Martial Arts provide excellent ways to do attacking motions.

[Many of these sports involved running or skating yet those activities are not attacking motions, they are fleeing motions.]

Attacking motions that can be done at home.

Roll up a magazine or newspaper and put tape around it. Pound the kitchen counter or furniture with it.

Punch or kick pillows, throw rolls of toilet paper at the bathroom wall, throw a rug over a railing and pound it with a broom. Tear or cut up an old bed sheet. Rip up a phone book. Stomp on bubble packing material.

Household chores: Scrub the floor. While making bread, knead the dough.

Gardening: pull weeds, dig, prune trees and shrubs, etc.

Workshop: pound nails into wood, sawing, hammering, pulling nails out of wood, grinding, chiseling, etc.

Express anger and clear your mind.

By doing attacking motions anger is dissipated and does not build up. Afterwords, people may still be angry yet no longer want to attack. They think more clearly. They are better able to access the underlying vulnerable feelings that are generating the anger. They are better able to deal effectively with whomever or whatever is making them angry.

Because the anger is not building up it is easy to manage. Now, when an upsetting event happens there is a response rather than a reaction. Small events generate small responses and more serious events generate larger responses. That is, the response fits the event.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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Channel your Anger.What Everyone Should Know about Anger.Pt.3

Anger is energy.

It is healthy to channel your anger in constructive and productive ways.

Anger expressed positively can convince a lover or a child that he or she is loved. It can help you get a job done when you’re tired. It can be motivating. Tiger Woods, one of the top golfers, says, “I sometimes lose my temper on purpose to fire myself up.”

Anger expressed negatively can devastate a child of any age, but especially when they are tiny. Anger can destroy relationships and ruin things of value. People often hurt themselves when they get angry.

There are times when it is appropriate and productive to get angry. But often getting angry can be dangerous, even embarrassing. It is helpful to know the difference and have the impulse control to carry out the choice. Most important of all is how a person acts when angry.

Scenario:

Lesley pulled into her garage after a long hectic day at work. As she got out of her car she heard glass breaking. She went around the corner of her home and saw the shattered living room window. Her son and his friends stood on the street frozen. One of the boys had hit the baseball through the window. Lesley was enraged! Last time it was the neighbor’s bedroom window. She’d told them many times to practice in the school yard nearby.She wanted to scream at them and slap them silly, every one of them!

Lesley knew that she was too angry to deal with the boys right then and she told them so. She sent her son to his room and his friends home. She changed into her jeans and a T-shirt, went out into the back yard and chopped some wood. As she chopped, her rage dissipated. She was still angry but not enraged. She then got her son to help her put some plywood over the broken window. Later that evening she and her husband sat down with their son to deal with the problem.

Lesley did not blow up, nor did she block her anger. She allowed her muscles to do what they needed to do – attack. But she did not attack her son or his friends, she attacked the wood. She actually destroyed something and created something simultaneously.

When people get angry, their bodies pump adrenalin into the bloodstream, preparing their muscles for fight or flight. Their muscles are primed to act and as they do the adrenalin is processed. However, if the anger is blocked then the muscles do not do what they naturally do. The adrenalin stays in the muscles often causing side effects, such as shakiness, until it is eventually processed. Blocked or unexpressed anger builds up over time. The brain and the body need to deal with it in some way. Some people blow up because they can no longer tolerate the tension. Others suppress and repress their anger which can lead to physical and emotional illnesses. Depression is often the symptom of repressed anger. Neither is healthy and both can cause a lot of harm.

It is not very easy to find wood to chop but there are lots of other ways to express anger constructively and productively.

Next blog post – Ideas for channeling anger.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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Sometimes Marriage is like being in a Boat on a very Rough Sea

The boat is pitching so hard that each one has to cling onto the boat to prevent being thrown overboard. They cannot hang onto each other. Each feels alone. Each struggles to survive. When the ocean calms down, then they can comfort and reassure each other. Then they can reconnect.

Sometimes life gets really rough – financial difficulties, overwork, illness, aging relatives, death and disaster. In really dark times there is usually more than one area of life that is deeply troubled. In times like these, people use up their resources, both externally and internally. Some people get depressed and go quiet. Others get depressed and become cranky – anger is the only way they know how to survive emotionally. Love and attention is experienced as a burden or a demand at a time when they have the least to give.

This is very difficult on loved ones. When they try to love, their partner cannot receive. When they try to get loved, their partners cannot respond. Everyone suffers.

Bad times test relationships but couples don’t stop loving each other just because times are bad. It’s how the couple handles the bad times that determine whether their relationship will survive or not. Couples who overcome adversity develop strong bonds.

Scenario: Jay was going through a difficult time financially. He was in danger of losing his business and worried about paying the mortgage. He had people on his case for money all the time. One day a writ server drove into his carport, left his engine running, hammered a nail into his front door, hung papers on it and then peeled away. He was deeply depressed and had trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. He dreaded facing another day. It was all he could do to keep going.

Samantha knew Jay was stressed and she was too. She was patient and understanding for awhile, but she felt really distant from him. She tried to get close to him. She asked him for hugs. She initiated love-making. But Jay did not respond in kind. He knew she wanted reassurance but he could not give it to her. He also knew she wanted to help but he did not want to worry her with the problems. He withdrew from her. When he asked for space, she would panic and cling to him. The thought of losing him was unbearable. After many incidents of him calmly asking for space and Samantha’s inability to give him any, he got cranky. Usually Jay was a reasonable man who did not like to fight. Now he was exhausted and emotionally drained. He had nothing left for himself much less anything for Samantha. The more Jay withdrew from her the more frightened and alone Samantha felt. The more disconnected she felt, the more she sought out contact with Jay. But he was emotionally bankrupt. It was a vicious cycle.

Jay was just trying to survive. His wife’s requests for reassurance and connection felt like demands. He felt if he got close to her she would swallow him up. If that happened, as crazy as it seemed, he felt like he would cease to exist. He did not understand this himself so he could not explain it to her. He could only be angry.

In this case the purpose of anger is to help Jay maintain his sense of self. He loves Samantha and does not want her to go away, just back off. Anger helped him to hold himself together in these difficult times.

Samantha had been talking to a couple of her most trusted friends about her fears and hurt. Finally she was able to stop clinging to him. They gave her the support she needed while her husband did what he had to do to survive. He was able to save his business and get his life back in order. When he felt more in control he reached out to his wife. Together they decided to seek couples counseling to help them talk through what each had experienced. They were able to reconnect.

What to do?

If you are the one who is angry and pushing your loved one away, reach out to someone you trust, someone who will keep what you say confidential. Or, seek out professional help and get the support you need.

If your partner is the one who is angry, offer help but do not push or pressure. Seek out others that you can trust to support you until your partner is able to reconnect.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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You Literally Saved my Life

I received a priceless present this Christmas. It came via Facebook. Someone from the past was trying to find me. After a bit of sorting out, we discovered I was the one she was looking for.

Here is what she wanted to tell me:

I’ve thought of you often, over the years. I guess you probably could never know, but when you showed up at my Graduation – you literally saved my life. I haven’t often felt as alone as I did that night, and I’ll never forget how you made me feel when you showed up. Like someone cared.

I’d like to thank YOU. You did literally save my life, that night you came to my Graduation. I remember clearly thinking that after the ceremony, I was going to go home and kill myself. I carried that card you gave around for almost 20 years, too.

Thank You Bea.. and God Bless You. I’ve waited 20 years to say that, and boy! Does it feel good!

Hoping you’re set up to have a Wonderful Christmas!

How it came about:

Years ago when I was taking my Master degree in Family Counseling, I was doing my practicum at the university clinic in a local high school. I remember working with a troubled family who had two daughters. It seemed to me that no one cared about the eldest daughter. She was a good kid! No one in her family was going to her high school graduation. So I decided to go. I wanted her to know that someone noticed her and someone cared. I gave her a card and a small gift.

Until I heard from her recently, little did I know how significant an impact my being there was on her or how dear she held the card I gave her. Hearing from her has warmed my heart and made me feel so good. I wanted to make a difference and I did!

You can too!

I encourage all of you to reach out to others with small gestures. You may never know if what you do or say has the impact you intend, but don’t let that get in the way. (If it wasn’t for Facebook we probably never would have reconnected.) You too could make a difference, big or small, in someone’s life.

May this Holiday Season be wonderful for you!

With Care and Concern,

Dr. Bea

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How Little Things Cause Big Blowups. What Everyone Should Know about Anger. Pt. 2

Scenario: Mary sighed. She’d blown her top – again. After the last time she’d promised herself that she would not do it anymore. It hadn’t happened in a long while, yet she’d just lost it again.

Mary had been cleaning the home for a couple of hours. Ralph had come home from soccer and was in the shower. She walked into the bedroom to get something and there on the floor was a pile of sweaty stinky clothes that he’d just stripped off. Annoyed Mary swept up the clothes and put them where they should go. This is an ongoing struggle between them. Mary had asked him many times to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. She got what she had come for and went back to cleaning the home. After half an hour later she walked into the bathroom and saw his wet towel lying on the bathroom floor. She lost it! She went into a rage. She grabbed the towel and stomped off to find him. He was resting on the patio drinking some water. Seeing him resting infuriated her even more. She threw the towel at him all the while screaming. She yelled obscenities at him. She assassinated his character. She said many hurtful things. Spittle flew from out of her mouth. Finally, she stomped off. Ralph sat there in shock and confusion wondering what had just happened.

Often there is a cycle to anger and peace. A person blow ups and then there is a period of peace. But life is life. Things happen. They often are not even big things. A small annoying event will happen and it will get dismissed. There is tension. Another irritating event happens – it gets pushed under the rug because the event is not considered significant enough to make a fuss about. Tension increases. Another frustrating event – anger is pushed aside. More tension. Another event – the anger is swallowed. Tension builds. After several more frustrating events, (none of which, in the whole scheme of things, is a big deal) a small event happens and a person blows up in rage. Usually there is confusion because the nature of the event did not warrant the intensity of the anger. How could you get so mad about that? However, the tension is released. Now there is peace again – at least for a while. The building process starts again. It’s like a stack of coins. Each coin is like a frustrating event. The stack gets high, then one more coin is put on the stack and the whole stack falls over.

For Mary, it was not just the wet towel on the bathroom floor. It was the many wet towels left on the bathroom floor or the bedroom floor, the dirty socks on the floor, the jacket hung over the back of the kitchen chair instead of hung up in the closet, the newspapers scattered on the floor by the couch, the scattered shoes at the door, dirty dishes on the coffee table, the cleaning she’d just done all morning while he was playing soccer, all of her efforts to keep a tidy home that did not seem to matter to Ralph.

Underneath the anger Mary felt out of control and unappreciated. She tried everything she could think of to get Ralph’s cooperation in keeping their home clean and tidy. When the home was in order Mary felt calm inside. She could relax. If there was something that needed doing she could not rest. She wanted a pleasant environment that they all could enjoy. She felt resentment that Ralph was ‘playing’ while she was working. It seemed to her that she did the major share of keeping the home in order. Finally, she snapped and went into a rant.

Blow ups happen because of ongoing difficulties that are not resolved. There is a buildup of tension that is not released. At some point, the buildup gets so intense that it cannot be contained. Mount St. Helen’s erupts.

How to make change.

Make change by interrupting the cycle at some point. Bring up unresolved issues during the phase when tension is building.

Mary could feel her annoyance and frustration building. She did not want to get angry. She did not want to blow up. She did not like herself when she acted like that. But each incident seemed so trivial and she told herself other people handle these things easily, so she could too. Besides, she did not want to break the peace.

Finally, she realized that if she did not address this with Ralph she was going to blow up again. She could feel the tension building. She asked him to set a time when could talk. Together they picked a time both were available. Mary felt less frustrated just knowing that the problem was going to be addressed. When the time came, they sat down together and explored the issue. They did not come with solutions before they figured out what the real problem was between them. This helped them feel connected to each other. Once connected emotionally, they came up with solutions to experiment with. Each felt better about the other. (Ralph could have initiated the discussion with Mary.)

Each partner has a part in the cycle.

No one person is at fault. Whatever is going on between them is co-created by the two of them. Each needs to take responsibility for his/her part in the negative cycle.

When issues have been discussed unsuccessfully before, couples need to change how they address issues. The exercise “Sooner Rather than Later” is a useful tool that gives couples a protocol to follow when addressing and resolving issues.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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The Secret. What Everyone Should Know about Anger? Part 1

Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could – to no avail. Both felt badly.

Anger is usually a secondary feeling.

Underlying the anger there is another feeling – a vulnerable feeling – that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt. Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired. There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more.
In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case.
Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else, they may focus on a task, they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry.
Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger it may be possible to change what is going on.

Anger has a purpose.

When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen.
James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well.
What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointed is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities. Once he is aware, he can 1) do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance 2) give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good – his son about himself, James about himself and his parenting.
When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.

Explore the feelings underlying your anger. What did you feel just before you got angry?

What is the purpose of your anger? Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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What to Say and Do if your Child Threatens to Run Away.

On Friday, November 14, I was watching the news report on the tragic death of a teenage boy who ran away from home after fighting with his parents about his over-use of a video game. He’d been missing for many days. He apparently died from a fall from a tree.

Fighting between parents and kids happens all the time. There are some unfortunate children for whom home is truly a horrible place to be and when they are old enough they take their chances on the street.

But in most cases the homes are safe and the families are loving. When children passionately want to do (or not do) something and they run up against parents who pressure or block them, they often think of running away. Some threaten to run away. Few act on it.

This news story was one of those ordinary family struggles that turned extraordinary when the boy accidentally died. The parents and the boy got into a power struggle about his video game behavior. He threatened to leave home and his father helped him pack his knapsack.

When children actually run away, they usually realize, in a relatively short time, that not living at home is uncomfortable and scary. They come back with a new respect and appreciation of home. The parents are relieved their child is home safe. Each is changed by the experience. They figure things out. In this family’s case, the outcome was tragic. The family never got the chance to reconcile.

Realistically, parents cannot stop their children from running away. Yes, parents can confine them to their rooms, but not forever. When children are determined to run away, they will figure out how and when to do it. They are usually hurt and angry. They feel unloved. They feel powerless to influence their parents. In an attempt to regain power, they run away.

Some children will put themselves at risk to prove a point.

What to say and do if your child threatens to run away.

1. Take seriously repeated threats to runaway. Ignore frivolous threats.

2. Parents need to extricate themselves from the power struggle. It takes two to fight. When children are passionate about what is going on, most are unable to stop fighting. Parents are the ones that need to make the shift. They need to stop fighting without abdicating their authority. Not easy to do. Then children are less likely to actually leave.

3. As best you can, let go of your anger. If you are unable to, then talk about it. Children need to know they are cared for and it is difficult for them to feel loved when parents are angry.

4. Tell your children in words that you do not want them to go. They need to hear it.

5. Acknowledge that you cannot stop them from going. By acknowledging your child’s power they do not have to push so hard to prove to you they have it. This means they no longer need to fight. They can now choose to stay.

6. NEVER CALL A CHILD’S BLUFF. Doing this escalates the power struggle and backs the child into a corner. They are more likely to leave even though they do not want to. They are more likely to do something that puts them at risk. NEVER HELP THEM PACK or do anything that makes them feel unwanted. It makes it harder for a child to come back home and save face when they do.

Examples:

Parent(s), “I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay and work this out with me (us). I really care about you and I worry about your safety and well-being if you go.”

Parent(s), “I wish you would not go. I do not like your decision, but I respect it.”

Parent(s), “I know I’m angry. It’s because you are really important to me. If I didn’t care about you I would not be angry.”

Parent(s), “I will be really sad if you go.”

Parent(s), “If you want to stay with your friend Jimmy or your grandmother for awhile, let’s arrange it.

Parent(s), “No matter what happens, you are always welcome to come back.”

Parent(s), “When you come back we will work things out so we can live together in a way that works for all of us.”

Parent(s), “I’m glad you’re back. Let’s just enjoy today and talk about things tomorrow.”

Parenting is not easy. Few parents are prepared to handle situations like this. As children get older, the stakes get higher. My hope is that parents learn to handle power struggles in a healthy way and fewer tragedies happen.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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What to do When a Breakup Turns Ugly.

Breaking up is especially difficult when only one wants to end the relationship. The one who is left is in a great deal of emotional pain from the grief and loss. He or she also feels powerless to do anything about their circumstances. Often they do not know how to handle the pain, which feels unbearable and seems never ending. For some people, shifting into anger seems to alleviate their pain. Actually, anger just masks pain. But masking the pain may be preferable to feeling it. The pain does not go away; it just goes underground and influences behaviors in negative ways.

Sometimes breakups turn ugly. One or both parties start behaving in ways that are inappropriate, perhaps even frightening. Behaviors such as stalking, threatening verbally and physically, name calling, complaining to your friends/co-workers, making unwanted phone calls, sending unwanted text messaging and emails, damaging property, stealing from your partner and worse, make a breakup ugly.

Scenario 1) John finally ended his two year and half relationship with Mary after months of vacillating back and forth. It was not working out for him and he did not want to invest any more of himself in it. Mary was devastated and she pleaded with John to give her another chance. John’s resolve weakened and they did reconcile for a few months. But the same unpleasant dynamics between them repeated, so he ended it again. Mary refused to accept the breakup. She kept calling John and begging him to reconcile. She kept driving by his home. She left messages on his car. She called his friends trying to solicit their help. She sent him ecards, long hysterical emails and emotional text messages. John felt sorry for her and would take her calls and answer her messages. He kept explaining in a caring way that the relationship was over for him. When John was nice to Mary, her hopes for reconciliation increased. She tried harder to have contact with John. She knew that her behavior was harming what little relationship they had left, yet she could not stop herself. John’s compassion for her shifted into disgust. He felt badgered and victimized. He avoided all contact with her and after several months Mary gave up.

Scenario 2) After breaking up and reconciling five times, Judy decided to end her 4 year relationship with Marty for good. As before, Marty begged and pleaded with her to take him back. When she wouldn’t, Marty became angry and bitter. He started making phone calls and hanging up. He started threatening her. At first he would make statements such as ‘You better watch out.” Then the statements escalated into “I’m going to kill you.” Judy was frightened and did not know what to do. She was afraid to talk to her parents. She talked to all of her friends trying to figure out what to do. She talked to him and told him that he was frightening her, but it did no good. Sometimes he would switch from bitterness to apology but when she would not agree to give him another chance he shifted back into anger and rage. He wanted her to hurt as much as he was hurting. When he saw the fear in her eyes and heard the fear in her voice, he knew he was still able to have an impact on her. It was not the impact he wanted to have but it was better than feeling powerless. One time when he saw her going into a pub with another guy he keyed her car. The destructive action gave him some relief from the pain of seeing her with another guy. (All scenarios are fictitious).

The same recommendations apply here as in How to Handle a Breakup

Additional recommendations:

Be pleasantly matter-of-fact

If you have to have contact, be pleasantly matter-of-fact. There may be many reasons that you have contact during and after a breakup. People build defenses against loving and angry behaviors, but they do not build defenses against pleasant matter-of-fact behaviors. When you talk to your ex-partner in a neutral tone that does not have an edge to your voice, you are more likely to influence him or her in a positive way, perhaps not in the moment, but later.

Keep contact to a minimum.

Do not receive or respond to phone calls, emails or text messages. Turn off your cell phone at night, even during the day, if necessary. If your ex-partner arrives at your door at 3:00 am do not let him or her in. The less contact you have with your ex-partner, the less either of you will be upset. Ignoring contact tends to lessen contact. There are certain phone calls you have to take, in particular, around custody and access of children/pets and financial matters. Make contact only when necessary.

Keep responses to a minimum.

Make short simple statements and repeat without adding more. Do not keep explaining repeatedly in the hope that your ex-partner will understand. Most hurt partners do not want to understand. When you have contact, make precise simple statements that are to the point and repeat them in a matter-of-fact manner without adding anything more.

Examples:

Getting back together is not a possibility.

I’m not willing to try again.

The relationship no longer works for me.

I want what is best for the children.

It’s not OK to say things like that.

Take all threats seriously.

Realize that your ex-lover is in a great deal of grief and loss and that the threats are coming out of the pain. However, that does not make what they are saying or doing OK. While you need to take all threats seriously, if your ex-lover has no history of violent behavior it is unlikely that he or she will become violent.

NOTE: If you ex-lover does have a history of violence then you should take great care to protect yourself and avoid contact. You should also keep a low profile for many months, as seeing you get on with your life without him or her may fuel their grief/rage.

Mute your own emotions during contact.

As best you can, do not show hurt, fear or anger. Ex-partners, who are being nasty, want to influence you; if they cannot do it in a positive way they will resign themselves to achieving it in a negative way. For them, any influence is better than none.

Downplay threatening behavior.

If at all possible, ignore inappropriate, hurtful and nasty behaviors. You do not want to fuel behavior that is not OK. If your ex-lover treats you badly in any way, the best way to handle this behavior is to ignore it. If you have to respond, make a brief matter-of-fact statement, such as “It’s not OK to behave that way.” Do not add anything more. Repeat if necessary, then ignore.

Seek out resources among your family, friends and community.

Set up a friend, family member or counselor to call. When you are in emotional pain it is natural to miss you ex-partner whether you initiated the breakup or your partner did. Men find it helpful to call a female friend when they are struggling with their emotions. Do not call your ex-partner when you are in pain, lonely or missing them. If you have someone that you have arranged to call when you are in distress, you are less likely to call your ex-partner.

Reach out. When you are worried by your own behavior or your ex-lover’s behavior, it is wise to talk to and be with someone you trust – a person who will help you handle yourself and the breakup in a healthy way.

Look after yourself

However your breakup unfolds, look after yourself by connecting with those you love and trust. See professional help if you need to. You do not want to repeat any of your behaviors that are unhealthy in a new relationship. Now is the time to learn about yourself and make the changes you need to make.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

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