Scenario:
Shawn, a 30 year old man and his mother are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Mother’s cell phone rings and she answers it. It’s her husband. He angrily demands to know when she will be home. She gets flustered and looks frightened. She hands the cell phone to her son, saying she can’t hear her husband. Shawn gets exasperated with his father for once again putting pressure on his mother. Most of his life, Shawn has tried to protect his mother from his father’s domination. He grabs the phone, yells at his father to leave his mother alone and hangs up. His mother gets upset because she knows her husband will be furious at her when she gets home. She can no longer enjoy her time with her son. Her son can no longer enjoy his time with his mother because she is anxious and because he knows he cannot advocate her when she gets home. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Mom’s relationship with Dad. They focus so much on Dad, it’s like he’s there with them. During this talk, Mother feels valued and cared for by her son.
TRIANGULATION :
In this scenario there is ongoing tension between the mother and father. Both father and mother triangulate the son – father by phoning while they are enjoying time together – mother by giving her son the cell phone and telling him she can’t understand the father. The son allows himself to be triangulated by taking the phone and getting angry at the father.
How each could have handled the situation differently.
Possibility 1: Father does an activity by himself or with someone else. He does not call.
Possibility 2: Mother turns off her cell phone, or lets it go to voicemail.
Possibility 3: Mother answers the call and deals with it herself, does not involve their son.
Possibility 4: Son does not accept the cell phone when mother holds it out to him. He refuses to be hooked in and reassures his mother that she can handle it. He says, “This is between you and Dad. I’m going to stay out of it. You can handle it.” Mother deals with the call. Mother and son continue their time together, not talking about father.
Mother and Father will reorganize their relationship differently if they stop triangulating – or are unable to triangulate – their son. That would be healthy for all concerned.
Be aware of triangulation in your relationships. Once aware, you can choose to be involved or you can respectfully decline.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea