Too often in conversations and interactions people assume they know what the other person is talking about or doing. Without checking out their assumptions they act as if what they assume is true or fact. Sometimes their assumptions are indeed true and communication is clear. However, when their assumptions are incorrect communication tends to go sideways.
In relationships we know our partners well. Usually we know what they think, feel, value, expect, get upset and excited about. Sometimes though, knowing each other too well creates blind spots. Clarifying can help navigate the blind spots.
PRONOUNS
Pronouns often make communication fuzzy: I, mine, he, she, his, hers, they, them, you, yours, we, us, one, it, this, that, these, those, other(s), etc.
Example A: Bob’s mother and her sister are coming for dinner.
Bob, “My mom said my aunt is a little unsure that you want her to come. She wants you to give her a call.”
Ann (thinking the ‘her’ referred to is Bob’s aunt), “I don’t feel comfortable calling her.”
(For Bob the ‘her’ is his mother). Bob (impatient), “What’s the big deal? Give her a call.”
Ann: (feels pressured and wants to avoid) It’s your family. You do it. I bought the groceries and I’m making the dinner. You haven’t done much at all.
THE FIGHT IS ON. Now the issue shifts away from making a phone call.
Make the fuzzy clear: Ann, “Who, your mom or your aunt?”
Example B: Sue, “This week I’m going on the road with my boss.”
Greg, “Yesterday I really impressed my boss with what I did. You know, when you get an opportunity to make more of an impact you should go for it.”
[When people say ‘you' they could be referring to you, they could mean themselves, or everyone one in general.]
Make the fuzzy clear: Sue, When you say ‘you’ do you mean yourself, everyone or me?”
Example C: Siggie: We’re going to Joan’s for a potluck dinner. Do you want to come?
[Knowing specifically who or what is involved helps you make decisions that work out better for you.]
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Jane: (Thinking – It depends on who is going.) Who is ‘we’?
Example D: Joe, “I’m working late every night next week. The week after I’m going out of town for 3 days. It gets more and more difficult.”
[What is the ‘it'? Working a lot? Traveling? Keeping up? Getting enough time with family?]
Make the Fuzzy Clear: John, ” What is it that is more difficult for you?”
Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.
QUALIFIERS
Words that qualify can have different meaning for different people.
Sometimes, early/late, in a little while, high/low, hard/soft, big/small, strong/weak, fast/slow, positive/negative, mostly/slightly, more/less, helpful/not helpful, harmful, safe/dangerous etc.
When people communicate they often have different ideas in mind. It is often helpful to inquire more about what someone is thinking or intending before you respond. What is difficult for one person may seem easy to another. What is slightly stressful for one person may be really stressful for another.
Example E: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Sam, “When you say you will be late, how late is late?
Example F: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Julie, “You mentioned you wanted to earn more money, how much more do you have in mind?”
Example G: Fred, “Stop doing that, it’s harmful.”
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “What exactly do you find ‘harmful’? [He thinks he know sbut perhaps it is not what he expects.]
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “How do you see it as harmful?”
[The key here is the word YOU. The receiver may or may not see it as harmful but to the sender it is harmful. Rather than argue about whether or not it is harmful, inquire how the sender views it, or experiences it as harmful.
IDIOSYNCRATIC (personal) MEANING
People often use the same words or expressions but have different meanings for them. Often the meanings are only slightly different but sometimes they are vastly different.
Take the word ‘drunk’ for instance. We all have a common meaning for ‘drunk’. Yet a person who had a parent who was a mean drunk when they were growing up has a different additional meaning for ‘drunk’ than a person who had a parent who occasionally got drunk and was funny when they did.
Words
Example H: My Tennis Instructor: “I no longer trust Federer.” (Federer is a top tennis player.)
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Me: “In what way don’t you trust him?” (I was inquiring about what he meant by the word ‘trust’.)
Phrases
Example I
‘Losing it’ refers to a range of behaviors varying from almost nothing to extreme violence. For some people ‘losing it’ means saying something or doing something when usually they say or do nothing. Some people use this expression when they just mean that they lost their focus. For other people ‘losing it’ means they became physical, either with only themselves (punched a hole in the wall), or with someone else (punched someone else).
‘Losing it’ could also mean becoming emotional. For some people this could mean showing a few tears while for others it means they became hysterical.
Example J: Jim: “Boy, I lost it with my manager yesterday.”
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Rick, “When you say you ‘lost it’ what exactly did you say and do?”
Inquiring early in a conversation keeps communication clear. Clarifying leads to clearer understanding, effective communication, and less reactivity. Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.
I encourage all of you to assume less and clarify more.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
[...] B-Sort is a blog by two psychologists specializing in relationships. In the latest post, Dr. Bea Mackay brings attention to the importance of more clearly communicating, since many conflicts can begin with a simple lack of clarification. She goes on to give examples of what tiny things can go wrong quickly…but also lets us know what to look out for and how to correct it. The focus is on pronouns (using “I” not “you”) and how we can benefit from assuming less and clarifying more. Check it out at B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog. [...]