Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Preventable Medicine for Skin Hunger – the Deprivation of Touch.

Yesterday I had my regular bi-weekly full body massage.  I knew it would feel good but knowing it would feel good and the experience of feeling good are two different things.  It’s like, “Aaaaaaah that’s what I’ve been missing.”, but didn’t know it.

I often need massage because I have some injury from tennis, looking after my grandson or some other activity.  But the best massages are when I’m fully fit and healthy. After several years my massage therapist knows my body better than I do.  It’s nice having someone know your body so well.  He knows where I carry my tension and works it out of my body when I didn’t even know it was there.  He knows where I’ve had injuries and makes extra focus on those areas.

I enjoy deep tissue massage. Not everybody does.  I like the strong pressure on my skin and muscles even when it sometimes hurts.  The lighter massage feels pleasant but it does not impact me the way deep tissue does.

Yesterday, as my massage therapist was working on my lower leg, I was reminded of the experience of making passionate love in the past. I did not feel sexually aroused.  The strong pressure on my skin and muscles made me feel – it is difficult to put into words – alive, present, impacted and loved.  I did not feel loved by my massage therapist – of course we have a good report– it was the pressure he was applying that reminded me of feeling loved during passionate love-making in the past when I was touched that intensely.  It felt good to remember.

During massage I find it difficult to stay focused on the part of my body being touched.  I can do it for short times and then my mind goes off to the future or the past.  Then I’m brought back to the present by the wonderful pressure on my skin and muscles.  I stay with the sensations for awhile.  It’s difficult to stay in the moment, but oh so satisfying when I do.  I experience a pleasant kind of grogginess at the end of the session. I move slowly.

Humans need to touch and be touched.  That’s why we love children and pets because they seek us out for touch and we get our need to touch and be touched by caring for them and playing with them. Couples frequently massage each others’ backs, feet and, of course, other parts.  When my sons were teens, giving them occasional back rubs was a way I connected with them and expressed love without them thinking I was being soppy.

It is important to have regular massage treatments if you are not in a current relationship.  Skin hunger can build up over time.  Without intending to, people who are deprived often act out sexually (especially when alcohol and drugs are involved) and have regrets afterward.

In our current North American life style we often are too much in our heads – thinking thinking thinking –  which disconnects us from our bodies.  Massage helps us keep connected to our bodies and helps us remain balanced between mind and body in a healthy way.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Compatible Decision Quiz, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Decision Quiz, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

“Monkey Fingers” Tell us that the Brain is Aways Adapting to Current Life Situations and Events.

I read a fascinating book while on holidays titled, The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge.  He puts forward research results in easy to read language.  As the title indicates, it is about brain plasticity;  how the brain, animal and human, can adapt and change in amazing ways.

The one study that stood out for me was the one about monkeys.  The researches tracked the neural pathways of a monkey from its brain to each of its five digits on one hand.  Then they stitched together two of the digits.  After several months, they tracked the neural pathways from the brain to the digits again.  This time, the neural pathways of the two fingers stitched together had combined into one pathway.  They then unstitched the fingers.  After several months they tracked the neural pathways again.  Sure enough, the united pathway had separated again, providing separate neural pathways for each digit.

This shows that the brain is constantly adapting to current changes, events and situations.

That gives us humans an idea how our brains change physically and even emotionally.  When we make changes in the present our brains adapt.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Woman at Work who Grabbed onto her Desk when Panic Attacks Struck.

Once upon a time there was a woman, (I’ll call Jo) who was suffering from panic attacks.  They occasionally happened at work, or in the early morning before she got to work.  She said the panic attacks came out of the blue; she never knew when one was going to strike her.  She would be sitting at her desk at work and suddenly get a wave of panic so intense she would have to grab onto her desk so she wouldn’t run out the door. The attacks were happening more often and she dreaded the next one.   She claimed that her job was not the issue – it wasn’t difficult, just boring.  Her main focus was how to manage the panic attacks.  Her doctor prescribed some Ativan and referred her for counseling.

Panic attacks seem to occur ‘out of the blue’ but they really don’t.  They are like a tidal waves, they rise up, crest and subside.  The therapy started with helping her handle the panic attacks by breathing through them.  This helped her feel less out of control.  Then focus shifted to increasing her awareness of herself.  She was so focused on trying to avoid a panic attack that she had lost contact with herself.  She was focused on the symptom, not the cause of the symptom.

Her office job was a problem for her.  She was not just bored, she was bored to tears.  She had a dream of getting a degree in biology so she could teach, but she considered doing that out of the question.  She couldn’t afford it.

Work was not the only problem.  She and her husband were totally renovating their home and they were having lots of arguments about it.  Money was tight and she needed her income.  Quitting work was not an option.

As Jo got more in touch with herself, she realized the precursors to the panic attacks.  Gradually she became so aware that she could feel the hairs on the back of her neck go up the closer she got to work.  She no longer could deny how intolerable her job was.

Jo finally told her husband how unbearable her job was.  To her surprise, he understood.  Once the renovations were completed, they remortgaged, finding the money needed for her to go to university.

People often focused on symptoms instead of the cause of the symptoms.

Sometimes people are distracted by the symptoms, which gets in the way of finding the cause.  Other times, focusing on the symptoms helps them avoid what they do not want to face.  People are often convinced there is no solution (which is occasionally true) so they bury their heads.   But usually once they are clear what is causing the problem, they find a solution.  Once the cause is identified, even though it may be difficult, appropriate changes can be made. Change is what is needed.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Job Decision Quiz, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Man who Regretted his Impulsive Decision to Change Jobs.

Once upon a time, a man whom I will call Charles, was deeply distressed. He had recently changed jobs and was confused about the decision he had made.

Charles had enjoyed the work at his previous job and was very successful at it. He and his boss occasionally disagreed on how to handle situations yet they usually worked things out.  One day they had a particularly bad argument about one account. Charles was livid.

Charles was very personable, connecting easily with others in his field.  As a result, over the years, he had received a couple of serious offers from other people to come and work for them.  He was pleased about these offers but had not been interested in taking any action on either of them.

When Charles had this huge argument with his boss, he decided to look into one of the offers that particularly interested him.  He got the job and gave notice at his current work.

At the time Charles came for therapy he had been in his new job for three weeks.  Although he liked the work, he found it lonely.  He worked on his own.  He missed the work at his previous job and the people he worked with.

Through therapy, Charles realized his main motivation to change his job had been to get back at his boss.  He felt his boss did not respect or appreciate him.  His hurt shifted into anger, which acted like an engine, driving him to want to prove a point to his boss.  He realized his hurt and anger had distorted his thinking.

Also, he realized how important the people he worked with were to him and how camaraderie in the work place mattered to him.  Working with people he respected and enjoyed was part of what made him tick.

He deeply regretted his impulsive decision.  He said that if he had been more aware of what was going on for him, he would have handled the situation with his boss differently.

The Job Decision Quiz is designed to help people in situations like Charles, avoid making decisions they regret.  Sorting through the statements helps individuals identify factors important to them.  It helps them clarify their priorities about work and the work environment.  It also can point out where a person might be stuck or blocked in their decision-making.  All this can keep thinking straight.

The best decisions evolve from knowing oneself clearly.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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How Pornography can Damage Your Sex Life – or Not.

I just recently (June 2010) attended the AAGT (Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) conference in Philadelphia.  I attended an interesting and informative workshop, titled: Sex & Brain and Gestalt Therapy, given by Dr. Marta Helliesen, a sex therapist [and former neuroscientist] in New York.   www.mkhelliesen.com.

I know that pornography is creating problems for both men and women in relationships in different ways.  I know that some people who look at pornography develop difficulty relating to a partner, but I did not know what created the problem.  Because I could not explain why it happened, I was often dismissed as   ‘just a woman’ and ‘not understanding men’.   Dr. Helliesen helped me understand how pornography can get in the way of normal sexual functioning with a partner.

People who look at pornography are primarily using their visual sense, in a heightened way.  The brain has a need for novelty and through pornography, especially on the Internet, it is quick and easy to get new and more graphic pictures.  This means that arousal and organism are quickly and easily achieved.  During these times men are not using their other senses of smell, sound, taste and touch that are normally involved during sexual encounters with a partner.  Without realizing it, they start to ‘turn off’ these senses and only focus on the visual.  This creates difficulty when they are with a partner. They find it more difficult to experience arousal and orgasm through smell, taste, sound and touch.  Because pornography so quickly arouses them and satisfies their interest and sexual urges, they become impatient with interactions with their partner.

It is possible, although difficult, for people to look at pornography and not shut down their other senses. They are still able to enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.  They are able to still find novelty in the nuances of touch, taste, sound and smell and experience pleasure in the time spent. They are able to connect emotionally to their partners and relate through sexual interaction.

Healthy sexual functioning and healthy sexual relationships are important to most people.  It is helpful to know what can go wrong and why.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Does your Relationship Suffer from these 3 Common Errors in Communication?

Error 1. Interrupting

Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems.  Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.  The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good.  [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]

Listen more, only asking for clarification if needed.  Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective.

Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about.  It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve hear their point of view.

Error 2. Jumping to solutions to a problem before you know what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it.  They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you.  Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.  If they are bringing up a problem, figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.

Listen intently and dig deeper into what your partner is bringing to your attention.

Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster.

Error 3. Analyzing each other.

Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors.  Examples: You’re just insecure.  You’re just like your father.  You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.  The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.

Stick to your partner’s behaviors that bother you and ask for change.

Keep your analysis to yourself.    If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want.  If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change.  Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.

Start right now improving your communication.  Don’t wait for your partner.  Positive efforts are likely to pay off.  You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Giggling my way out of a power struggle with my 2 year old grandson.

I was hanging out with my two and a half year old grandson one Saturday at my home, playing with him as usual.  He spied some rocks that I’ve picked up in my travels at various places around the world.  He  picked them up and started to throw them.  I said to him, “No flying rocks in the house.”  He thought that was hilarious.  I guess I shouldn’t have called them ‘flying rocks’.  He wanted to throw them again.  I grabbed the rocks before he could get them and would not give them to him.  Well,  he went into a rage!  The classic 2 year old rage!  I thought, “Oh oh.  I’m in a power struggle.”  To my surprise, I started to giggle.  He was a little surprise, but kept on with his tantrum.  Still giggling, I got up and ran into my bedroom and rolled across the bed.  He came running after me.  The chase was on!  As I rolled across the bed,  I hid the rocks under the pillows.  Then I rolled off the other side of the bed and ran out of the room. By now he was laughing and giggling too.  I’m sure watching Nana roll across the bed was hoot.  The rocks were forgotten and our fun afternoon continued.

A week later we’re hanging out again.  He saw the rocks sitting on the night table beside my bed.  I thought, “I should have hidden them.”  He tried to stack them up and was having difficulty doing it.  I helped him stack them.  Once stacked, he lost interested in them and went on to something else.  He showed no interest in throwing them.

I remember this type interaction happening with my sons when they were little.  But giggling to shift out of a power struggle was not something I could have done back then.  It certainly never occurred to me to do so.  I was not as secure in myself then. Also, I was a much more serious person than I am now.

I also realize that being a grandmother is very different than being a parent. I hangout with my grandson a few hours a week – it’s not the 24/7 parents deal with.  Even so, I wished I had been able to handle power struggles with more lightness when I’d been a young mother.

There are many ways to get out of power struggles with others.  Try giggling your way out of power struggles with your children or grandchildren – maybe even adults.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

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“I feel like I don’t live anywhere.” The Problem with 50-50 Custody.

Recently one of my clients talked about the confusion and distress her teenage son was experiencing at going back and forth between his mom’s home and his dad’s home.   She said her heart went out to him when he said to her, “I feel like I don’t live anywhere.”  She responded to his plight by telling him that he could live with her and that he could visit his father anytime he wanted.  Fortunately, for the adolescent, the parents worked well around custody and access.  The mother discussed with her ex-husband their son’s distress and he agreed that the son could live full time with his mother.  She said her son’s confusions and distress lessened once he  settle down full time at her place. He continued to see his father a lot.

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It’s Always All about You. Part 2

Scenario:

Again John ended up comforting his wife as she sobbed. She was in a lot of [emotional] pain.  He tried to reassure her that she was a good person – that he loved her.  What he felt was hollow, empty and hopeless.  Every time he tried to raise an issue in their relationship, she would take it as criticism of her as a person, as a wife, as an adult.  No matter how gently and non-judgmentally he would raise an issue, it was like he was burying a knife up to the hilt in her heart.  She got so deeply hurt that she became oblivious of him.  He had difficulty when she was in pain. He had troubling handling his own emotions and her distress triggered distress in him.  He found he would stop feeling his own distress if he focused on her.  He would let go of what he was trying to address, reassure her that he still loved her and that she was not a bad person.  At first, he was able to do this passionately because he deeply loved his wife.  Once she was reassured, with relief, they both enjoyed the loving feelings they shared.  But after so many interactions where bringing up his concerns turned into him consoling her, he felt confused, lost and alone.  Without any way to address change in their relationship,  John’s love was wearing thin.  He was at a loss of what to do.

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It’s always all about you. Part 1

Scenario

Jackie collapsed on the sofa after yet another major fight with her husband. They have the same fight over and over again.  Jackie wants to spend more time with her husband.  He is always busy with work and several projects he has on the go.  She invites or suggests things to do together and he almost always has a reason or excuse not to accept.  Finally, when being friendly and inviting does not work, she complains to him that he makes other people a priority over her.   He feels attacked.  He defends himself by attacking her back, accusing her of doing the same thing – making her family more important than him.  She tried to tell him she only spent so much time with her family because he is never available, but he would not listen; he continues to attack and blame her.  He gets more and more angry. He complains about her time with her family, her time with her friends, her time studying photography.  He claims he was the one who compromises and sacrifices in their relationship.   He is the one not getting his needs met and she is to blame.  At the end of these fights they go to the opposite corners of their home.  Jackie feels alone – totally disconnect from her husband – the opposite of what she wants.

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