Archive for the ‘Troubled Relationship’ Category

How Pornography can Damage Your Sex Life – or Not.

I just recently (June 2010) attended the AAGT (Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) conference in Philadelphia.  I attended an interesting and informative workshop, titled: Sex & Brain and Gestalt Therapy, given by Dr. Marta Helliesen, a sex therapist [and former neuroscientist] in New York.   www.mkhelliesen.com.

I know that pornography is creating problems for both men and women in relationships in different ways.  I know that some people who look at pornography develop difficulty relating to a partner, but I did not know what created the problem.  Because I could not explain why it happened, I was often dismissed as   ‘just a woman’ and ‘not understanding men’.   Dr. Helliesen helped me understand how pornography can get in the way of normal sexual functioning with a partner.

People who look at pornography are primarily using their visual sense, in a heightened way.  The brain has a need for novelty and through pornography, especially on the Internet, it is quick and easy to get new and more graphic pictures.  This means that arousal and organism are quickly and easily achieved.  During these times men are not using their other senses of smell, sound, taste and touch that are normally involved during sexual encounters with a partner.  Without realizing it, they start to ‘turn off’ these senses and only focus on the visual.  This creates difficulty when they are with a partner. They find it more difficult to experience arousal and orgasm through smell, taste, sound and touch.  Because pornography so quickly arouses them and satisfies their interest and sexual urges, they become impatient with interactions with their partner.

It is possible, although difficult, for people to look at pornography and not shut down their other senses. They are still able to enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.  They are able to still find novelty in the nuances of touch, taste, sound and smell and experience pleasure in the time spent. They are able to connect emotionally to their partners and relate through sexual interaction.

Healthy sexual functioning and healthy sexual relationships are important to most people.  It is helpful to know what can go wrong and why.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Does your Relationship Suffer from these 3 Common Errors in Communication?

Error 1. Interrupting

Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems.  Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.  The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good.  [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]

Listen more, only asking for clarification if needed.  Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective.

Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about.  It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve hear their point of view.

Error 2. Jumping to solutions to a problem before you know what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it.  They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you.  Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.  If they are bringing up a problem, figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.

Listen intently and dig deeper into what your partner is bringing to your attention.

Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster.

Error 3. Analyzing each other.

Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors.  Examples: You’re just insecure.  You’re just like your father.  You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.  The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.

Stick to your partner’s behaviors that bother you and ask for change.

Keep your analysis to yourself.    If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want.  If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change.  Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.

Start right now improving your communication.  Don’t wait for your partner.  Positive efforts are likely to pay off.  You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

It’s always all about you. Part 1

Scenario

Jackie collapsed on the sofa after yet another major fight with her husband. They have the same fight over and over again.  Jackie wants to spend more time with her husband.  He is always busy with work and several projects he has on the go.  She invites or suggests things to do together and he almost always has a reason or excuse not to accept.  Finally, when being friendly and inviting does not work, she complains to him that he makes other people a priority over her.   He feels attacked.  He defends himself by attacking her back, accusing her of doing the same thing – making her family more important than him.  She tried to tell him she only spent so much time with her family because he is never available, but he would not listen; he continues to attack and blame her.  He gets more and more angry. He complains about her time with her family, her time with her friends, her time studying photography.  He claims he was the one who compromises and sacrifices in their relationship.   He is the one not getting his needs met and she is to blame.  At the end of these fights they go to the opposite corners of their home.  Jackie feels alone – totally disconnect from her husband – the opposite of what she wants.

(more…)

Posted in Advice, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Why Kids Fight. Understanding Triangulation in Relationships Pt. 3

Children fight for many reasons.  One of the major reasons they fight is to engage parent(s).

Years ago I can remember being busy in the kitchen.  My two boys, around ages 3 and 5, were playing in the living room.  Then they started fighting. Without saying a word, I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom.  Within seconds, they had joined forces and were banging on the bathroom door trying to get me to come out.

(more…)

Posted in Advice, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

That’s between the Two of You – Understanding Triangulation in Relationships. Pt. 2

Scenario:

Shawn, a 30 year old man and his mother are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Mother’s cell phone rings and she answers it. It’s her husband. He angrily demands to know when she will be home. She gets flustered and looks frightened. She hands the cell phone to her son, saying she can’t hear her husband. Shawn gets exasperated with his father for once again putting pressure on his mother. Most of his life, Shawn has tried to protect his mother from his father’s domination. He grabs the phone, yells at his father to leave his mother alone and hangs up. His mother gets upset because she knows her husband will be furious at her when she gets home. She can no longer enjoy her time with her son. Her son can no longer enjoy his time with his mother because she is anxious and because he knows he cannot advocate her when she gets home. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Mom’s relationship with Dad. They focus so much on Dad, it’s like he’s there with them. During this talk, Mother feels valued and cared for by her son.

(more…)

Posted in Advice, Healthy Relationships, Parenting, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Don’t Kiss and Tell. One Way to Save your Relationship after an Affair.

In an article, May 2009, in MORE Magazine, called After the Affair, Wendy B. seeks complete honesty from her straying husband when she stumbles upon an email to his lover.  Yet later, as they work toward putting their marriage back together, she regretted it.  She says, “At the time I felt I had to know;  now I wish I could block out some of those details.”

Breach of trust creates the most damage when an affair happens. When a couple is attempting to recover from the deception and lies that occurred, honesty seems to be front and center of their focus.  In trying to regain trust the injured partner usually asks a million questions about the affair. The offending partner usually answers them honestly with the hope that they will regain trust.

It’s what partners do with the details that causes problems and can get in the way of reconciliation.  Usually partners, male and female, dwell on the details creating scenarios with them in their heads over and over again. The hurt goes on and on.  Sometimes the smallest details about the relationship and the sex can cause deep anguish.  Wendy B. says. “Hearing about how she had stepped in to help him buy our family’s food bothered me almost as much as the thought of the two of them naked together.”

A loving thing to do is to be honest with your partner but not give specific details of interactions with a former lover. This will create different problems but ones that are less difficult to recover from.  If reconciliation is not possible because of refusing to disclose details then it probably would not be possible if you did. As everyone knows, there are no guarantees.

If you are the one that strayed and you want a chance at reconciliation, do not disclose details because you love your partner and because you don’t want to hurt him or her anymore than you already have.

If you are the one that was betrayed, do not ask your partner to disclose details because you don’t want to be hurt any more than you already have been and because you want a chance to reconcile.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Troubled Relationship | No Comments »

Sometimes Marriage is like being in a Boat on a very Rough Sea

The boat is pitching so hard that each one has to cling onto the boat to prevent being thrown overboard. They cannot hang onto each other.  Each feels alone. Each struggles to survive. When the ocean calms down, then they can comfort and reassure each other. Then they can reconnect.

Sometimes life gets really rough – financial difficulties, overwork, illness, aging relatives, death and disaster. In really dark times there is usually more than one area of life that is deeply troubled. In times like these, people use up their resources, both externally and internally.  Some people get depressed and go quiet. Others get depressed and become cranky – anger is the only way they know how to survive emotionally. Love and attention is experienced as a burden or a demand at a time when they have the least to give.

This is very difficult on loved ones. When they try to love, their partner cannot receive. When they try to get loved, their partners cannot respond.  Everyone suffers.

Bad times test relationships but couples don’t stop loving each other just because times are bad. It’s how the couple handles the bad times that determine whether their relationship will survive or not.  Couples who overcome adversity develop strong bonds.

Scenario: Jay was going through a difficult time financially. He was in danger of losing his business and worried about paying the mortgage. He had people on his case for money all the time. One day a writ server drove into his carport, left his engine running, hammered a nail into his front door, hung papers on it and then peeled away. He was deeply depressed and had trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. He dreaded facing another day. It was all he could do to keep going.

Samantha knew Jay was stressed and she was too. She was patient and understanding for awhile, but she felt really distant from him. She tried to get close to him. She asked him for hugs. She initiated love-making. But Jay did not respond in kind. He knew she wanted reassurance but he could not give it to her. He also knew she wanted to help but he did not want to worry her with the problems. He withdrew from her. When he asked for space, she would panic and cling to him. The thought of losing him was unbearable. After many incidents of him calmly asking for space and Samantha’s inability to give him any, he got cranky. Usually Jay was a reasonable man who did not like to fight. Now he was exhausted and emotionally drained. He had nothing left for himself much less anything for Samantha. The more Jay withdrew from her the more frightened and alone Samantha felt. The more disconnected she felt, the more she sought out contact with Jay. But he was emotionally bankrupt. It was a vicious cycle.

Jay was just trying to survive. His wife’s requests for reassurance and connection felt like demands. He felt if he got close to her she would swallow him up. If that happened, as crazy as it seemed, he felt like he would cease to exist. He did not understand this himself so he could not explain it to her. He could only be angry.

In this case the purpose of anger is to help Jay maintain his sense of self. He loves Samantha and does not want her to go away, just back off. Anger helped him to hold himself together in these difficult times.

Samantha had been talking to a couple of her most trusted friends about her fears and hurt. Finally she was able to stop clinging to him. They gave her the support she needed while her husband did what he had to do to survive. He was able to save his business and get his life back in order.  When he felt more in control he reached out to his wife. Together they decided to seek couples counseling to help them talk through what each had experienced.  They were able to reconnect.

What to do?

If you are the one who is angry and pushing your loved one away, reach out to someone you trust, someone who will keep what you say confidential.  Or, seek out professional help and get the support you need.

If your partner is the one who is angry, offer help but do not push or pressure.  Seek out others that you can trust to support you until your partner is able to reconnect.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Emotions, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

How Little Things Cause Big Blowups. What Everyone Should Know about Anger. Pt. 2

Scenario: Mary sighed. She’d blown her top – again. After the last time she’d promised herself that she would not do it anymore. It hadn’t happened in a long while, yet she’d just lost it again.

Mary had been cleaning the home for a couple of hours. Ralph had come home from soccer and was in the shower. She walked into the bedroom to get something and there on the floor was a pile of sweaty stinky clothes that he’d just stripped off.  Annoyed Mary swept up the clothes and put them where they should go. This is an ongoing struggle between them. Mary had asked him many times to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. She got what she had come for and went back to cleaning the home. After half an hour later she walked into the bathroom and saw his wet towel lying on the bathroom floor. She lost it!  She went into a rage. She grabbed the towel and stomped off to find him.  He was resting on the patio drinking some water. Seeing him resting infuriated her even more. She threw the towel at him all the while screaming. She yelled obscenities at him. She assassinated his character. She said many hurtful things. Spittle flew from out of her mouth. Finally, she stomped off. Ralph sat there in shock and confusion wondering what had just happened.

Often there is a cycle to anger and peace. A person blow ups and then there is a period of peace. But life is life. Things happen. They often are not even big things. A small annoying event will happen and it will get dismissed. There is tension. Another irritating event happens – it gets pushed under the rug because the event is not considered significant enough to make a fuss about. Tension increases. Another frustrating event – anger is pushed aside. More tension. Another event – the anger is swallowed. Tension builds. After several more frustrating events, (none of which, in the whole scheme of things, is a big deal) a small event happens and a person blows up in rage. Usually there is confusion because the nature of the event did not warrant the intensity of the anger. How could you get so mad about that? However, the tension is released. Now there is peace again – at least for a while. The building process starts again. It’s like a stack of coins. Each coin is like a frustrating event. The stack gets high, then one more coin is put on the stack and the whole stack falls over.

For Mary, it was not just the wet towel on the bathroom floor.  It was the many wet towels left on the bathroom floor or the bedroom floor, the dirty socks on the floor, the jacket hung over the back of the kitchen chair instead of hung up in the closet, the newspapers scattered on the floor by the couch, the scattered shoes at the door, dirty dishes on the coffee table, the cleaning she’d just done all morning while he was playing soccer, all of her efforts to keep a tidy home that did not seem to matter to Ralph.

Underneath the anger Mary felt out of control and unappreciated.  She tried everything she could think of to get Ralph’s cooperation in keeping their home clean and tidy.  When the home was in order Mary felt calm inside.  She could relax.  If there was something that needed doing she could not rest.  She wanted a pleasant environment that they all could enjoy.  She felt resentment that Ralph was ‘playing’ while she was working. It seemed to her that she did the major share of keeping the home in order.  Finally, she snapped and went into a rant.

Blow ups happen because of ongoing difficulties that are not resolved. There is a buildup of tension that is not released.  At some point, the buildup gets so intense that it cannot be contained.  Mount St. Helen’s erupts.

How to make change.

Make change by interrupting the cycle at some point.  Bring up unresolved issues during the phase when  tension is building.

Mary could feel her annoyance and frustration building.  She did not want to get angry.  She did not want to blow up.  She did not like herself when she acted like that.  But each incident seemed so trivial and she told herself other people handle these things easily, so she could too.  Besides, she did not want to break the peace.

Finally, she realized that if she did not address this with Ralph she was going to blow up again.  She could feel the tension building. She asked him to set a time when could talk.  Together they picked a time both were available. Mary felt less frustrated just knowing that the problem was going to be addressed.  When the time came, they sat down together and explored the issue.  They did not come with solutions before they figured out what the real problem was between them.  This helped them feel connected to each other.  Once connected emotionally, they came up with solutions to experiment with.  Each felt better about the other.  (Ralph could have initiated the discussion with Mary.)

Each partner has a part in the cycle.

No one person is at fault. Whatever is going on between them is co-created by the two of them.  Each needs to take responsibility for his/her part in the negative cycle.

When issues have been discussed unsuccessfully before, couples need to change how they address issues.  The exercise “Sooner Rather than Later” is a useful tool that gives couples a protocol to follow when addressing and resolving issues.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Emotions, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Secret. What Everyone Should Know about Anger? Part 1

Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could – to no avail. Both felt badly.

Anger is usually a secondary feeling.

Underlying the anger there is another feeling – a vulnerable feeling – that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt.  Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired.  There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more.
In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case.
Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else, they may focus on a task, they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry.
Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger it may be possible to change what is going on.

Anger has a purpose.

When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen.
James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well.
What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointed is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities. Once he is aware, he can 1) do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance 2) give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good – his son about himself, James about himself and his parenting.
When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.

Explore the feelings underlying your anger.  What did you feel just before you got angry?

What is the purpose of your anger?  Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Emotions, Parenting, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

What to do When a Breakup Turns Ugly.

Breaking up is especially difficult when only one wants to end the relationship.  The one who is left is in a great deal of emotional pain from the grief and loss.  He or she also feels powerless to do anything about their circumstances.  Often they do not know how to handle the pain, which feels unbearable and seems never ending.  For some people, shifting into anger seems to alleviate their pain.  Actually, anger just masks pain.  But masking the pain may be preferable to feeling it.  The pain does not go away; it just goes underground and influences behaviors in negative ways.

Sometimes breakups turn ugly.  One or both parties start behaving in ways that are inappropriate, perhaps even frightening.  Behaviors such as stalking, threatening verbally and physically, name calling, complaining to your friends/co-workers, making unwanted phone calls, sending unwanted text messaging and emails, damaging property, stealing from your partner and worse, make a breakup ugly.

Scenario 1) John finally ended his two year and half relationship with Mary after months of vacillating back and forth. It was not working out for him and he did not want to invest any more of himself in it.  Mary was devastated and she pleaded with John to give her another chance. John’s resolve weakened and they did reconcile for a few months.  But the same unpleasant dynamics between them repeated, so he ended it again. Mary refused to accept the breakup.  She kept calling John and begging him to reconcile.  She kept driving by his home.  She left messages on his car.  She called his friends trying to solicit their help.  She sent him ecards, long hysterical emails and emotional text messages.  John felt sorry for her and would take her calls and answer her messages.  He kept explaining in a caring way that the relationship was over for him.  When John was nice to Mary, her hopes for reconciliation increased.  She tried harder to have contact with John.  She knew that her behavior was harming what little relationship they had left, yet she could not stop herself.  John’s compassion for her shifted into disgust.  He felt badgered and victimized.  He avoided all contact with her and after several months Mary gave up.

Scenario 2) After breaking up and reconciling five times, Judy decided to end her 4 year relationship with Marty for good.  As before, Marty begged and pleaded with her to take him back.  When she wouldn’t, Marty became angry and bitter.  He started making phone calls and hanging up.  He started threatening her.  At first he would make statements such as ‘You better watch out.”  Then the statements escalated into “I’m going to kill you.”  Judy was frightened and did not know what to do.  She was afraid to talk to her parents. She talked to all of her friends trying to figure out what to do.  She talked to him and told him that he was frightening her, but it did no good.  Sometimes he would switch from bitterness to apology but when she would not agree to give him another chance he shifted back into anger and rage.  He wanted her to hurt as much as he was hurting.  When he saw the fear in her eyes and heard the fear in her voice, he knew he was still able to have an impact on her.  It was not the impact he wanted to have but it was better than feeling powerless. One time when he saw her going into a pub with another guy he keyed her car.  The destructive action gave him some relief from the pain of seeing her with another guy. (All scenarios are fictitious).

The same recommendations apply here as in How to Handle a Breakup

Additional recommendations:

Be pleasantly matter-of-fact

If you have to have contact, be pleasantly matter-of-fact.  There may be many reasons that you have contact during and after a breakup.  People build defenses against loving and angry behaviors, but they do not build defenses against pleasant matter-of-fact behaviors.  When you talk to your ex-partner in a neutral tone that does not have an edge to your voice, you are more likely to influence him or her in a positive way, perhaps not in the moment, but later.

Keep contact to a minimum.

Do not receive or respond to phone calls, emails or text messages. Turn off your cell phone at night, even during the day, if necessary.  If your ex-partner arrives at your door at 3:00 am do not let him or her in.  The less contact you have with your ex-partner, the less either of you will be upset.  Ignoring contact tends to lessen contact.  There are certain phone calls you have to take, in particular, around custody and access of children/pets and financial matters. Make contact only when necessary.

Keep responses to a minimum.

Make short simple statements and repeat without adding more. Do not keep explaining repeatedly in the hope that your ex-partner will understand.  Most hurt partners do not want to understand. When you have contact, make precise simple statements that are to the point and repeat them in a matter-of-fact manner without adding anything more.

Examples:

Getting back together is not a possibility.

I’m not willing to try again.

The relationship no longer works for me.

I want what is best for the children.

It’s not OK to say things like that.

Take all threats seriously.

Realize that your ex-lover is in a great deal of grief and loss and that the threats are coming out of the pain.  However, that does not make what they are saying or doing OK.  While you need to take all threats seriously, if your ex-lover has no history of violent behavior it is unlikely that he or she will become violent.

NOTE: If you ex-lover does have a history of violence then you should take great care to protect yourself and avoid contact.  You should also keep a low profile for many months, as seeing you get on with your life without him or her may fuel their grief/rage.

Mute your own emotions during contact.

As best you can, do not show hurt, fear or anger.  Ex-partners, who are being nasty, want to influence you; if they cannot do it in a positive way they will resign themselves to achieving it in a negative way.  For them, any influence is better than none.

Downplay threatening behavior.

If at all possible, ignore inappropriate, hurtful and nasty behaviors. You do not want to fuel behavior that is not OK.  If your ex-lover treats you badly in any way, the best way to handle this behavior is to ignore it.  If you have to respond, make a brief matter-of-fact statement, such as “It’s not OK to behave that way.” Do not add anything more. Repeat if necessary, then ignore.

Seek out resources among your family, friends and community.

Set up a friend, family member or counselor to call.  When you are in emotional pain it is natural to miss you ex-partner whether you initiated the breakup or your partner did.  Men find it helpful to call a female friend when they are struggling with their emotions. Do not call your ex-partner when you are in pain, lonely or missing them.  If you have someone that you have arranged to call when you are in distress, you are less likely to call your ex-partner.

Reach out.  When you are worried by your own behavior or your ex-lover’s behavior, it is wise to talk to and be with someone you trust  – a person who will help you handle yourself and the breakup in a healthy way.

Look after yourself

However your breakup unfolds, look after yourself by connecting with those you love and trust.  See professional help if you need to.  You do not want to repeat any of your behaviors that are unhealthy in a new relationship.  Now is the time to learn about yourself and make the changes you need to make.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Emotions, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »