Archive for the ‘Relationship Resources’ Category

Good News and Bad News about Fighting in the Family

What is considered fighting?

Joey comes into the kitchen wanting a cookie.  It’s just before dinner and the smell of dinner is adding to Joey’s hunger.  Dad is cooking dinner and knows if he gives Joey a cookie it will take the edge off his appetite for dinner.  They argue about whether or not Joey can have a cookie.  Would you consider this a fight?

What is fighting for some people is not fighting for others.  Raised voices -  yelling  – hitting – which of these is your definition of fighting?

When asked for their definition of fighting parents-of-preschoolers responded with answers such as – conflicted communication, not listening, not hearing, arguing, punching, hitting, disagreements, arguing in a strong way beyond reason and logic, walking away from the issue, misunderstandings, raised blood pressure, lots of anger and frustration, loss of rational thought, yelling, high stress and more.

In this post fighting is considered any conflict, from a minor squabble to a physical battle.

What is good about fighting in a family?

Fighting prepares children for conflict in life, both at home in the family and in the world at large.  Children who grow up in families where there never is any fighting, or parents hide fighting from the children or fighting is not allowed, are not prepared to deal conflict whether it be with family members or with other people outside the family.  Children need to experience fighting to learn how to handle it.  Then they can better protect themselves and those they care about through life.

Because there will always be conflicts in families it is not a question of if but how members of a family fight.  There are different ways to fight and it is really beneficial for children to learn to fight in a healthy constructive ways.

What is unhealthy fighting?

In unhealthy fighting parents and children try to get what they want from each other and do not care if they hurt, inconvenience or harm each other. They argue and yell, but they never get to a better place.  After the fight is over there are just bad feelings and a sense of frustration. No resolution. No positive change.

I call these the merry-go-round fights.  It’s like getting on a merry-go-round, going round and round, and when you get off you’re no further ahead than before you got on.  At first you’re willing to get on the merry-go-round, that is, you’re willing to engage in a fight, but after awhile you realize that there is no point in spending the time and energy because you will be in the same place, maybe even worse, after it’s over.  So you stop engaging in fighting.  You withdraw. You disengage from whoever it is you’re fighting with – maybe others as well.

Fighting that is loud, excessive, violent or out of control is terrifying for children.  Yelling terrifies children and makes their bodies cringe in distress. They can get so traumatized from it that they avoid conflict at all costs or become bullies themselves.  They often grow up to be fearful adults or bullies and are emotionally handicapped.

What is healthy fighting?

In healthy fighting parents and children stand up for themselves and consider each other as they are do so.  They try to find win/win outcomes. The fight gets resolved and the relationship improves.  Everyone feels good about the outcome.  The fight is worthwhile.

It’s really helpful for children to watch their parent have a fight with each other and resolve the fight in a productive way.  They learn from this that fighting, even though it may be distressful, is normal and can be constructive.  They learn how a marriage and couple relationship works – that there will be fighting and that it can be resolved.

Healthy fighting prepares children for life.  They experience it and learn to tolerate it.  They learn to take part and work toward constructive outcomes.  They learn, through experience and modeling of their parents that fighting can make for better relationships and a better life.

To learn to handle differences and resolve problems see the protocol: Sooner Better than Later. It is designed for couples but is appropriate for family members too.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Parenting, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Relationship Communication Skills: Make the Fuzzy Clear

Too often in conversations and interactions people assume they know what the other person is talking about or doing. Without checking out their assumptions they act as if what they assume is true or fact. Sometimes their assumptions are indeed true and communication is clear. However, when their assumptions are incorrect communication tends to go sideways.

In relationships we know our partners well. Usually we know what they think, feel, value, expect, get upset and excited about. Sometimes though, knowing each other too well creates blind spots. Clarifying can help navigate the blind spots.

PRONOUNS

Pronouns often make communication fuzzy: I, mine, he, she, his, hers, they, them, you, yours, we, us, one, it, this, that, these, those, other(s), etc.

Example A: Bob’s mother and her sister are coming for dinner.

Bob, “My mom said my aunt is a little unsure that you want her to come. She wants you to give her a call.”

Ann (thinking the ‘her’ referred to is Bob’s aunt), “I don’t feel comfortable calling her.”

(For Bob the ‘her’ is his mother). Bob (impatient), “What’s the big deal? Give her a call.”

Ann: (feels pressured and wants to avoid) It’s your family. You do it. I bought the groceries and I’m making the dinner. You haven’t done much at all.

THE FIGHT IS ON. Now the issue shifts away from making a phone call.

Make the fuzzy clear: Ann, “Who, your mom or your aunt?”

Example B: Sue, “This week I’m going on the road with my boss.”

Greg, “Yesterday I really impressed my boss with what I did. You know, when you get an opportunity to make more of an impact you should go for it.”

[When people say ‘you' they could be referring to you, they could mean themselves, or everyone one in general.]

Make the fuzzy clear: Sue, When you say ‘you’ do you mean yourself, everyone or me?”

Example C: Siggie: We’re going to Joan’s for a potluck dinner. Do you want to come?

[Knowing specifically who or what is involved helps you make decisions that work out better for you.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Jane: (Thinking – It depends on who is going.) Who is ‘we’?

Example D: Joe, “I’m working late every night next week. The week after I’m going out of town for 3 days. It gets more and more difficult.”

[What is the ‘it'? Working a lot? Traveling? Keeping up? Getting enough time with family?]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: John, ” What is it that is more difficult for you?”

Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

QUALIFIERS

Words that qualify can have different meaning for different people.

Sometimes, early/late, in a little while, high/low, hard/soft, big/small, strong/weak, fast/slow, positive/negative, mostly/slightly, more/less, helpful/not helpful, harmful, safe/dangerous etc.

When people communicate they often have different ideas in mind. It is often helpful to inquire more about what someone is thinking or intending before you respond. What is difficult for one person may seem easy to another. What is slightly stressful for one person may be really stressful for another.

Example E: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Sam, “When you say you will be late, how late is late?

Example F: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Julie, “You mentioned you wanted to earn more money, how much more do you have in mind?”

Example G: Fred, “Stop doing that, it’s harmful.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “What exactly do you find ‘harmful’? [He thinks he know sbut perhaps it is not what he expects.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “How do you see it as harmful?”

[The key here is the word YOU. The receiver may or may not see it as harmful but to the sender it is harmful. Rather than argue about whether or not it is harmful, inquire how the sender views it, or experiences it as harmful.

IDIOSYNCRATIC (personal) MEANING

People often use the same words or expressions but have different meanings for them. Often the meanings are only slightly different but sometimes they are vastly different.

Take the word ‘drunk’ for instance. We all have a common meaning for ‘drunk’. Yet a person who had a parent who was a mean drunk when they were growing up has a different additional meaning for ‘drunk’ than a person who had a parent who occasionally got drunk and was funny when they did.

Words

Example H: My Tennis Instructor: “I no longer trust Federer.” (Federer is a top tennis player.)

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Me: “In what way don’t you trust him?” (I was inquiring about what he meant by the word ‘trust’.)

Phrases

Example I

‘Losing it’ refers to a range of behaviors varying from almost nothing to extreme violence. For some people ‘losing it’ means saying something or doing something when usually they say or do nothing. Some people use this expression when they just mean that they lost their focus. For other people ‘losing it’ means they became physical, either with only themselves (punched a hole in the wall), or with someone else (punched someone else).

‘Losing it’ could also mean becoming emotional. For some people this could mean showing a few tears while for others it means they became hysterical.

Example J: Jim: “Boy, I lost it with my manager yesterday.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Rick, “When you say you ‘lost it’ what exactly did you say and do?”

Inquiring early in a conversation keeps communication clear. Clarifying leads to clearer understanding, effective communication, and less reactivity. Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

I encourage all of you to assume less and clarify more.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Make Relationship Changes Now (Pt. 3): Don’t Agree to do Anything that You Really Don’t want to do.

It’s a given that people in relationship need things from one another. Sometimes you want to do what is needed to be done. Sometimes you don’t want to, but you don’t mind doing it. Occasionally you really do not want to do what your partner needs you to do.

It is important to know two truths:

Saying ‘no’ to your partner does not mean you do not love him or her.

Saying ‘no’ to your partner can actually make your relationship better by avoiding problems.

How to avoid backing yourself into a corner.

1) Ask for time before you agree.

When your spouse asks you to do something that you are not sure you want to do, ask for time.

Example: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”

2) If you can’t keep your promise, inform your partner ASAP

Example 1:

“Last week when I promised to ………, I forgot that my brother is coming into town so I can’t do it.”

3) Renegotiate with Your Partner ASAP

When you have already agreed to do something that later you realize you really do not want to do, use the After-the-Fact Communication skill with you partner.

Through discussion the couple can come up with another solution that each feels OK about.

Example 1:

“I know that yesterday I agreed to do …………… but I’ve had a chance to think about it and I really don’t want to do it. Let’s talk about it.”

Scenario 1: Yesterday Fran had promised she would make dinner today for Eddie and herself. During the day she realized it was going to be too stressful for her to do that. She phoned Eddie and says I’ve had chance to think about it and I would rather meet you for a drink at Bottoms Up and then go for seafood at Kettle of Fish. It’s on me. Are you OK with that?

Scenario 1:

Susan and Bill have a schedule about who picks up the children from daycare. Susan has been asking Bill to pick up the children on her days more and more often. While he is OK about doing it occasionally for her, doing it too often interferes with his work. He began feeling stressed and resentful toward her. Bill told Susan what he felt and through discussion they found another option – Susan’s mother was able to pick up the children one day a week which alleviated Susan ‘s stress level and tight schedule.

Or:

Susan may say she did not realize that she was doing this. She may have thought Bill was OK with it because he never complained. She may ask him to pick up the kids today but she will make more of an effort to keep her commitments in the future.

_____________________________

Marriage and long-term relationships require a lot of collaboration. Couples are always asking each other for help, for favors, for support, for input, for backup and to do work. Couples who work together as a team feel good about each other and the good feelings they have help them deal more easily with what issues and problems they have. Each feels connected to the other and not alone in the world. This is the ideal.

In courtship this is often the way it is. Lovers in love want to all sorts of things for each other. Making the your lover’s life easier gives you pleasure. You enjoy their appreciation. When you lover does something for you, you feel loved and valued. You want to return the good will. A positive interactive cycle develops between the couple and gains momentum. As long as the giving and receiving is reciprocal, all is right with the world. The couple will work well together.

As relationships shift from courtship into permanent on-going day-to-day living, couples settle into patterns with each other. The first year of living together is about developing these patterns, some of which are conscious and some of which are unconscious.

Life is life. Things happen. Life busy. Sometimes we agree to do something for our partner without thinking about it. Perhaps we just want to ease their life. Other times we want to avoid an argument and our partner’s wrath. We could be distracted when we agree to do something and not think it through before we agree.

What happens when we agree to do something that we realize that we can’t follow through on? Well that’s easy. As soon as we realize the problem, we can use the After-the-Fact Communication skill to go back to our partner and let them know.

But what happens when we agree to do something that afterwards we do not want to do? Perhaps we even realize we don’t want to do it when we agree to it but we don’t say so.

Some people will go ahead and do it because they’ve given their word. If they do not feel resentful about it, there is no problem. But they realize that for their own good and that of the relationship they need to say ‘no’ to something that they really do not want to do.

But all too often what happens is the person does not go to their partner with the problem. They intend to do what they agreed to, but they procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate. Now there is a new problem between the couple.

“You said you would ……… and you haven’t. You’ve let me down. You’ve made be look foolish. You’ve caused me more work. I can’t count on you. I can’t trust you. You lied to me.”

Avoid these problems. Don’t agree to do something that you really don’t want to do.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Compatible Decision Quiz, Emotions, Personal Stories, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources | 1 Comment »

How to Improve Your Relationships in the Present (and Future) by Talking about the Past: Part:1

Getting More Information About the Past

Many people say, “There is no use talking about the past, you can’t change it.” I think it is their idea of how they and other people recover from an event or events that were traumatic. Perhaps it is the only way they know how to deal with difficult painful events and circumstances.

It’s true. You cannot change events that happened in the past. But what you can change by talking about the past is how you think and feel in the present. When you think and feel differently in the present then the future has new possibilities.

There are many ways that talking about the past helps change the present. One way is to get new information about the past.

An example of this happens in the movie “The Mermaid Chair”. A woman who’s beloved father died when she was 9 goes back to care for her troubled mother. At the time of his death, she was told that her father had died when his boat exploded out at sea. She was not told that,in fact, her father had been terminally ill with a debilitating disease and that he killed himself. Her mother and several other people colluded with each other to assist in his suicide and make it look like an accident. The reason for their secrecy was that the father did not want to live and yet did not want his daughter to think that he abandoned her. (I’m not saying it’s a good movie but the plot makes for a good example). What the young girl had concluded was that she was to blame for his death because, against her mother’s wishes she had given her father a pipe. He would smoke his pipe when he went out on the boat with her. She created a fantasy about how the sparks from his pipe had caused the explosion. Over time, her fantasy became her truth. Because she had disobeyed her mother she never told anyone that she thought his death was her fault.

While she was helping her troubled mother she found the pipe in her mother’s belongings. With this new evidence she realized that she had not been responsible for his death. Her mother and the others told her the truth about his death. All those years she had carried the burden of his death on her shoulders unnecessarily. Finding out the real truth from the past changed how she felt about herself in the present and would influence how she lived in the future.

Thus getting new information by talking about the past can change the present. This can be healing.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

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Communication skills: How to handle mixed messages & RETURN TO SENDER

A mixed message is a message that can be taken different ways. Mixed messages cause lots of communication problems in intimate relationships and in relationships in general.

First of all, you need to know when you’re are getting a double or mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.

When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms.

1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.

2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.

3. What a person says conflicts with what they do.

4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.

When you receive a double or mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender. Give both message back as feedback to the sender. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner then the sender is mostly likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.

You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH WORDS: Examples of what to say.

1. Last week you said your think mothers should stay home with their babies (words) and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.

2. I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words) and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).

WHEN WORD DO NOT MATCH BEHAVIORS: Examples of what to say.

1. I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping (words) yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).

2. I’m confused. You say you want me to be affectionate (words) yet when I touch you, you push me away (behaviors).

3. I’m confused. You said you would help me (words) but now you’re going to the store.

4. I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words) but when they are here, you often go off by yourself (behaviors).

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH BODY LANGUAGE. Examples of what to say.

1. I’m puzzled. You say you’re fine (words) yet you look sad (body language).

2. I’m confused. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words) yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).

3. You say you’re listening to me (words) but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.

You cannot stop or prevent your partner from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other about your confusion you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. This has the potential to improve communication.

When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.

If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve communication.

Experiment with this skill and see how communication shifts.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay.

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Methods For Changing Your Relationships

I found an article called Methods For Changing Your Relationships from MentalHelp.net that highlights the dilemma many people face when unhappy with their relationship.

According to the authors: “There are essentially two different kinds of relationship problems. Either people do not have sufficient relationships (or sufficient quality of relationships), or they have relationships, but those relationships are conflicted in some manner so that they don’t satisfy, or are a source of pain.”

The poor quality relationship, and the conflicted/painful relationship, is hard to live with because they often lead to pain and loneliness. We have identified a list of symptoms of a troubled relationship in another post and this can be a good way to reflect on your own situation. And, the B-sort tool we provide on this site also provides feedback you can use to evaluate your own unique situation.

“Some people stay in such relationships and make due with their pain, while others leave and face a different sort of difficulty; that of finding new relationships that will work out better.”

This can be a hard time to make a decision. You may have decided that you want to make a positive change in your relationship situation — either a fresh start with someone new or to repair and improve your existing one. Either way, you’ll have to be willing to do some personal work and be nice to another person! Most people already know what this means because it comes so naturally during the courtship phase. But being nice can be difficult to do if other negative relationship patterns have taken hold.

Also, many people find themselves conflicted and they oscillate between wanting to leave, and wanting to fix, their relationship. This pattern also can make it difficult to reach a decision about what to do and how to take action in order to change it. One pattern that anyone can use to help improve their relationship is to make many small ‘nice’ gestures to your partner, and do it often, rather than making the occasional intense expression. These minor interactions are bids for connection and they are an important part of maintaining a good quality of relationship and helping to minimize conflict.

The conclusion of the article? “What sets … regular satisfied types apart from other less-satisfied people are their mastery of social skills” — and that involves knowing how to connect with your partner, making those bids for connection often, and simply knowing how to be nice.

Chapter 8 : Methods For Changing Your Relationships
From Mental Health.net’s online Self-Help Resource
Written by: Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Relationship Resources | 1 Comment »

Post holiday relationship blues: some resources.

In the growing-longer-days of January people often take note of what they have been ignoring in the time before the holidays. Gathering together with family and friends can put in your face things you’ve been trying to avoid – like your relationship issues. With the beginning of a new year people are often motivated to make changes in their relationships and are looking for sources of good information.

Here are several websites that can be helpful when you are looking for relationship advice and relationship help. There is a site called Family in the UK, http://www.channel4.com, which has articles on many aspects of relationships. Right now its home page has an article titled You will survive! Don’t let a break up poison your future. There is another site called, Canadian Family, that has articles on relationships and family issues. Go to www.canadianfamily.ca, click on family life and then relationships. Even a health related site, such as www.health24.com, gives valuable tips on how to improve your relationship. Go to the site and search it using relationships as your key word.

The marvel of the Internet is the volume of information that is at your fingertips. The curse of the Internet is that much of the information is of little value. We’re happy to provide some directions to sites that are worthwhile.

Dr. Bea Mackay and Dr. Warren Weir

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

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