I know that pornography is creating problems for both men and women in relationships in different ways.  I know that some people who look at pornography develop difficulty relating to a partner, but I did not know what created the problem.  Because I could not explain why it happened, I was often dismissed as   ‘just a woman’ and ‘not understanding men’.   Dr. Helliesen helped me understand how pornography can get in the way of normal sexual functioning with a partner.

People who look at pornography are primarily using their visual sense, in a heightened way.  The brain has a need for novelty and through pornography, especially on the Internet, it is quick and easy to get new and more graphic pictures.  This means that arousal and organism are quickly and easily achieved.  During these times men are not using their other senses of smell, sound, taste and touch that are normally involved during sexual encounters with a partner.  Without realizing it, they start to ‘turn off’ these senses and only focus on the visual.  This creates difficulty when they are with a partner. They find it more difficult to experience arousal and orgasm through smell, taste, sound and touch.  Because pornography so quickly arouses them and satisfies their interest and sexual urges, they become impatient with interactions with their partner.

It is possible, although difficult, for people to look at pornography and not shut down their other senses. They are still able to enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.  They are able to still find novelty in the nuances of touch, taste, sound and smell and experience pleasure in the time spent. They are able to connect emotionally to their partners and relate through sexual interaction.

Healthy sexual functioning and healthy sexual relationships are important to most people.  It is helpful to know what can go wrong and why.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems.  Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.  The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good.  [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]

Listen more, only asking for clarification if needed.  Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective.

Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about.  It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve hear their point of view.

Error 2. Jumping to solutions to a problem before you know what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it.  They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you.  Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.  If they are bringing up a problem, figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.

Listen intently and dig deeper into what your partner is bringing to your attention.

Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster.

Error 3. Analyzing each other.

Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors.  Examples: You’re just insecure.  You’re just like your father.  You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.  The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.

Stick to your partner’s behaviors that bother you and ask for change.

Keep your analysis to yourself.    If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want.  If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change.  Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.

Start right now improving your communication.  Don’t wait for your partner.  Positive efforts are likely to pay off.  You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

In intact families, children have a home – their own home.  At least that is how they perceive it. Once families break up, children usually lose their home.  In most cases, it is financially impossible to keep the family home.  The kids are told they now have two homes, Mom’s home and Dad’s home.  In some ways, that is true.  However, what often happens is that Mom has a home and Dad has a home and the children have a suitcase/backpack and go back and forth between the two homes.  In reality, they no longer have their own home.

It is less bad for the children who are able to continue to live in the home they grew up in, even if they also go to the other parent’s home.  The home they were in when the family was intact still feels like their own home.  If the home remains relatively unchanged, the children retain a sense of stability and a sense that they still have their own home. For example, if the father was away from home a lot and he is the one who moves out, then home life may remain similar. However, if the home changes in a major or fundamental way, the sense of home can be shattered.

There are many factors which impact on children when their home breaks up. How the children are impacted and how they respond or react to the changes, influence their experience of life after mom and dad’s relationship breaks up.  For some children, things may get a lot better and for others, a lot worse.

I don’t know if there is any research on what it is like for children to go back and forth between homes.

I would like to hear from adults who went back and forth between homes as a child/adolescent.  We need to know what the impact is on children so we can lessen the damage done – lessen the baggage they take into adulthood and their adult relationships. I would like to hear about the successes as well as the painful and difficult experiences.

If anyone has any experience of this situation, either personally or know of others who do, I would welcome hearing about it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

At the end of the session, while I was writing out the receipt, the couple had a small interaction that was their usual way of reacting to each other.  Each was assuming the negative about the other. They realized what they had just done and were smiling at catching themselves doing it. [This type of smile is called the recognition reflex]. Neither knew what to do next.

So I said to them, “Let’s back up and do this interaction again – only differently.”

The original interaction:

Joe was smiling because he felt good about how the session went.  He was looking at Amanda wondering how she was feeling about the session, but he did not say anything.  He was apprehensive that her reaction would be negative.

Amanda saw the look on Joe’s face and said to him, “When you crinkled your face up like that it makes me feel insecure about how the session went.”

The new interaction:

I said to Joe – Smile again at Amanda and tell her how you were feeling about the session.

Smiling, Joe said to Amanda, “I feel good about how the session went.”

With a warm smile, Amanda readily responded, “So do I.”

Both smiled even more.  The positive emotional connection between them was clearly evident.

I thought,   ”This couple is fun to work with.”

Couples, and others, can learn to shift their interactions from negative to positive  by backing up, redoing them differently.  They just need to learn what to say that would work.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Jackie collapsed on the sofa after yet another major fight with her husband. They have the same fight over and over again.  Jackie wants to spend more time with her husband.  He is always busy with work and several projects he has on the go.  She invites or suggests things to do together and he almost always has a reason or excuse not to accept.  Finally, when being friendly and inviting does not work, she complains to him that he makes other people a priority over her.   He feels attacked.  He defends himself by attacking her back, accusing her of doing the same thing – making her family more important than him.  She tried to tell him she only spent so much time with her family because he is never available, but he would not listen; he continues to attack and blame her.  He gets more and more angry. He complains about her time with her family, her time with her friends, her time studying photography.  He claims he was the one who compromises and sacrifices in their relationship.   He is the one not getting his needs met and she is to blame.  At the end of these fights they go to the opposite corners of their home.  Jackie feels alone – totally disconnect from her husband – the opposite of what she wants.

Every time Jackie tries to bring up an issue with her husband, she ends up defending herself.  She tries to address something with him but he turns it around so that she is at fault.   It ends up being all about his feelings and his needs. She feels confused and discourage.  She is at a loss of what to do.

What to do.

This is a common dynamic in troubled relationships. One partner brings up an issue for discussion and the other partner makes it all about him or her.  The original issue gets lost.  It becomes a pattern in the relationship.  Often the partner who brought up the issue does not understand what or how it happened.

First you need to be aware of the dynamic that is playing out between you and your partner.  It is very difficult, but not impossible to address an issue when you don’t know what it is.

Once you recognizes the dynamic, change your part in it.  You can’t control what your partner does but you can control what you do or don’t do.

Experiment with different behaviors.

For example, without talking about it, join your partner in whatever he or she is doing, whether your partner wants you there or not.  Try distancing from your partner and see if he or she seeks you out. Try all sorts of things – humor, tricks, gift certificates etc.  Be creative.  I’m always amazed at what couples can make happen.

If none of these things bring about change that is positive then seek out professional help.  Sometimes the core issue is difficulty with intimacy. Some people have a fear of being close.  This usually stems from issues from family of origin and/or even previous relationships.  Or, there may be some other underlying issue that is fueling the pattern. In a therapist ‘s office the issue can be kept on track and the dynamic explored.

Often partners are so involved in their relationship they do not have perspective on it.  A therapist can help a couple gain a fresh perspective on what is going on between them and then new possibilities for change become available.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Years ago I can remember being busy in the kitchen.  My two boys, around ages 3 and 5, were playing in the living room.  Then they started fighting. Without saying a word, I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom.  Within seconds, they had joined forces and were banging on the bathroom door trying to get me to come out.

Children like to have their parents involved with them. Before children start to misbehave or fight with each other, they usually ask parents to play with them, read to them or just go for a walk or bike ride. Often they offer to help.  Lots of time children will play well together waiting for the parents to  finish their work. If none of these positive ways work, they will find negative way.  Mostly, I don’t think children do it consciously.  I believe, for them, any kind of involvement is better than no involvement.  They need the adult contact.

Often parents are legitimately busy since there is so much to do.  Other times, parents just don’t want to engage for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they’ve already spent a good chunk of time with the children.  Maybe they are tired, sick or distracted with other things. If children keep getting put off, then they start to do things that will bug the parents until they get involved.

A parent will usually get involved in their children’s fighting by rescuing the more vulnerable child. Usually, it’s the youngest, but not always.  Some younger children are more vibrant and determined than their older siblings.  Some older siblings are passive.  Rescuing one sibling from the other can create a dynamic of VICTIM-BULLY-ARBITRATOR.  The weaker child learns he or she can get the parent’s attention  by being a victim. The stronger child learns that he or she is can get the parent’s attention by being a bully.  The parent feels needed as the rescuer/arbitrator. Children mistakenly think they have to have parents to settle disputes and parents, laking faith in their children,  believe they are not able to get along.

Most of the time weaker children do need to be protected from stronger siblings.  HOW parents do that is a key to maintaining good relationships between the siblings and between parent and each child.

When parents are aware of the dynamics of triangulation they have more options in handling it.

WITHOUT JUDGING

TREAT BOTH CHILDREN THE SAME

Choose to be part of the triangle:

• Remove from both children what they are fighting over, e.g. a game, activity or toy.
• Help the children negotiate and brainstorm with each other.
• Ignore the fighting and suggest that you all do an activity together – work or play.

Decline to be part of the triangle:

• Send both children to their rooms for a specified time. (or to different parts of the home).
• Send both children outside. Children’s play usually improves when they are sent outside.
• Express your faith in your children that they can work things out for themselves.
• Remove yourself from the situation.

Of course, all of the above suggestions depend on the situation.  Some will work in some situations, but not in all.  Parents need to consider the circumstances and choose the best option.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Shawn, a 30 year old man and his mother are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Mother’s cell phone rings and she answers it. It’s her husband. He angrily demands to know when she will be home. She gets flustered and looks frightened. She hands the cell phone to her son, saying she can’t hear her husband. Shawn gets exasperated with his father for once again putting pressure on his mother. Most of his life, Shawn has tried to protect his mother from his father’s domination. He grabs the phone, yells at his father to leave his mother alone and hangs up. His mother gets upset because she knows her husband will be furious at her when she gets home. She can no longer enjoy her time with her son. Her son can no longer enjoy his time with his mother because she is anxious and because he knows he cannot advocate her when she gets home. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Mom’s relationship with Dad. They focus so much on Dad, it’s like he’s there with them. During this talk, Mother feels valued and cared for by her son.

TRIANGULATION :

In this scenario there is ongoing tension between the mother and father.  Both father and mother triangulate the son – father by phoning while they are enjoying time together  –  mother by giving her son the cell phone and telling him she can’t understand the father. The son allows himself to be triangulated by taking the phone and getting angry at the father.

How each could have handled the situation differently.

Possibility 1: Father does an activity by himself or with someone else.  He does not call.

Possibility 2: Mother turns off her cell phone, or lets it go to voicemail.

Possibility 3: Mother answers the call and deals with it herself, does not involve their son.

Possibility 4:  Son does not accept the cell phone when mother holds it out to him.  He refuses to be hooked in and reassures his mother that she can handle it. He says, “This is between you and Dad.  I’m going to stay out of it. You can handle it.” Mother deals with the call.  Mother and son continue their time together, not talking about father.

Mother and Father will reorganize their relationship differently if they stop triangulating – or are unable to triangulate – their son.  That would be healthy for all concerned.

Be aware of triangulation in your relationships.   Once aware, you can choose to be involved or you can respectfully decline.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I was cooking up some dinner for my two year old grandson as I happily awaited his arrival.  We were going to hangout together while mom and dad took in a movie.  I don’t think of it as babysitting because I love to spend time with him and he loves to spend time with me.

I buzzed them in.  My grandson, came running through the open door holding out something he wanted me to see -  a sticker of a car.  As usual, my son followed with their dog.  He put the dog out on the deck, put fresh water in the dog’s dish and then got ready to leave.

Then something unusual started to happen.  My son started to question his son about whether he wanted to stay with Nana or go with him.  I was confused because I was sure he was staying with me.  I could see that my grandson was confused.  I got the impression that there had been some kind of exchange between the two of them about his wanting or not wanting to stay with me.  My son kept grilling him.  “Do you want to stay with Nana ?” My grandson went from being happy and bubbly to quiet.  He nodded his head.  His dad’s tone of voice was unusual – there was an edge to it. That was not enough for my son, he kept asking, “Do you want to stay with Nana?”   I looked at my grandson.  He was clearly confused and not sure what to do.  He slowly walked toward the front door thinking he had to leave.  Again, his father asked him,  “Do you want to stay with Nana?” Again, my grandson nodded his head.

I couldn’t watch this anymore and stay silent.  I said to my son, “He nodded his head.  He has answered you.”  My son responded, “He’s got to say it.”  I said, “You’re putting him a bind.”  I looked at my grandson and smiled at him trying to reassure him.  He smiled back at me.  Finally, my son stopped, hugged his son and left.  Then my grandson turned back into his happy self, delighted to be with me.

There was tension between father and son.  I could see it , hear it and feel it.  I couldn’t believe that my son would put his son – a two year old – on the spot like this.  I was surprised because my son is a fantastic dad.  He loves his son and his son adores his dad.

At first I was just an observer.  Then I got hooked in the interaction. By advocating for my grandson, I became part of a triangle.

In hindsight, I wish I had avoided becoming part of the triangle.  I know my son is a super dad. Instead of criticizing him, I wish I had expressed more faith in him.  What I wish I’d said to my son was, “I don’t know what is going on between you two but I’m sure you will handle it OK. ” Then, I would have gone back to my cooking and let them work it out.

TRIANGULATION

Triangulation occurs in relationships when there is tension between two people, and a third person gets hooked into the interaction, creating  a triangle.

Triangulation happens in families all the time.  If you are not aware of triangulation and how it works, you usually do not even realize how or why you’ve been drawn into an interaction.

By understanding and being aware of the relationship dynamics in triangulation, you have a choice to become involved or not.  There are times when it is appropriate to get involved and times when it is appropriate and healthy not to engage.

If you choose NOT to become involved,  there are diplomatic ways NOT to engage. (Triangulation Pt. 2 and Pt.3)

If you do choose to become involved, then HOW you get involved is what matters.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

When someone in your family tells you a memory, pay close attention. They are sharing their modus operandi for life with you. If there are unhealed traumas from the past, talking about painful memories can help your family member heal.

Memories are blue prints for how to do life.

Children have millions of experiences by the time they are around five to six years old but they only remember a few of them. Why do they remember only a few and why those particular ones? When children are born into this world they quickly have to figure out how to survive, emotionally and physically. It is the emotion surrounding an event that determines meaning. With their limited knowledge and experience of life they come to conclusions about self, others and life. Then they live their life according to the conclusions they’ve come to, whether those conclusions are conscious or unconscious. Memories after the age of 6 are important as well; they tend to confirm or disconfirm previous conclusions.

How to talk about memories.

1.       Listen to the memories without interrupting. Your parent, spouse, child, sibling, cousin or other relative is telling you something important about themselves. Paying attention to them shows them you are interested in them and care about them.

2.       Memories can be happy, neutral or unhappy/painful. Enjoy the happy ones, be curious about the neutral ones and be empathetic with the painful ones. Often, healing can occur through the expression of feelings alone. It is possible for a child and an adult to heal emotionally from talking to a caring person about an experience they had as a child or young adult.

3.       Validate their experiences and the meaning they make of them. Do not argue about whether the events happened or not.  Just because you don’t remember an event does not mean it did not happen.  Or, if you remember the same event differently, it means you made different meaning out of it. Do not be concerned about the truth or facts of the memory. It may or may not be accurate. It is not about the facts; it is about the meaning the person made of their experience and the facts.

4.       Do not assume you know what their memory means. Ask “What do you make of that?” Say, “Tell me more about that.” Invite your family member to say more by being curious about it.

5.       Validate the feelings generated in the memory, positive and/or negative.

6.       If you want to share memories of your own, wait until they are finished.

Note:  Memories are not static.  As a person ages and their circumstances change, their memories may change, or even be forgotten completely.

Reminiscing is healthy if family members are open to listening to each other.

The above holds true of people who are non-family members as well.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Mike opened up another card.  His mother had died recently and he was still receiving sympathy cards from friends, family and acquaintances. This card was from a woman he had not seen in over 25 years – an old flame from his university years. He had not thought of her in years.  He started reminiscing about those times and the fun they had together.  He tried to remember what had gone wrong between them and why he had married his current wife instead of her. He looked back down at the card.  She’d included her phone number and an invitation to ‘catch up’ with each other.  Should he call?

The divorce rate for first marriages is close to 50% and even higher for second and third marriages. The divorce rate for marriages of old flames who marry after 15, 20 and 30+ years is only 3-4%.  According to Nancy Kalish, Ph.D, a professor of psychology at California State University, who is studying former lovers who reunite, 60% of reunions last.

We are drawn to the familiar.  We don’t have to get to know a former lover, an old flame knows us and we know them.  We already know their history and who they are.  We always remember the younger person we fell in love with.  In a new relationship we never will know the younger person inside in the way we know a former lover.

We are living much longer now so it’s possible to have a marriage of 20-25 years, get divorced and have another marriage of 20-25 years.  Many people are looking up an old love at reunions and on the Internet.  Modern technology makes it so easy today.

Often though, when we remember an old love, we remember the part of the relationship that was good. This is especially true if we are unhappily married, or alone and longing for a love and companionship. So it’s important to remember why that relationship broke up – what went wrong. If neither of you has changed then you might recreate the problems that were there before and be hurt again.

Dr. Kalish warns that rekindled relationship are intense. Before you do your search on Facebook or go to a reunion think it through.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea