Archive for the ‘Personal Stories’ Category

How I Coped with my Angry ‘Eye’.

It all started a little over two weeks ago. I went to bed on Saturday night and woke up in the morning with my right eye swollen half shut. I didn’t think too much about it at the time as I could see and was not in any discomfort. I carried on with my day as usual, playing tennis in the morning and hanging out with friends in the afternoon.

On Monday I worked a full day. On my lunch hour I went to the Walk-In clinic across from my office. I was given some drops. I went back to my office and worked the rest of the day. The next day I worked as well. I was not confident that the drops I was given were helpful so I went to the clinic where my doctor works. I could not get in to see her but I saw the doctor on call. He looked at my eye and described it as ‘very angry’ looking. He referred me to an ophthalmologist and was able to get me in quickly. At first it was only my right eye that was infected but by the time I saw the ophthalmologist both eyes were infected. The ophthalmologist diagnosed me with an bacterial eye infection plus an allergic reaction (to the drops I’d been given by the doctor at the “Walk In clinic). I canceled all my clients because I was in so much discomfort I could no longer work and I did not want to risk transmission of the infection.

I took the 3 types of drops as prescribed until Sunday afternoon. By then I was wondering if I was having another allergic reaction because there was no improvement and I was in even more discomfort. By Sunday evening I was in so much pain in my right eye that I went to the Emergency at the hospital. I was diagnosed with Adeno Viral Infection. The Emerg doctor told me it was highly infectious and the hospitals were fearful about an outbreak. I was directed to see my ophthalmologist again to confirm the diagnosis. He said he was “just a lowly Emergency doctor” He said the antibiotics would not help because it was a viral infection but that he would let her tell me to discontinue taking them. When I left hospital, staff were preparing to disinfect the room I’d been examined in. The doctor held all the doors open for me as I left so I did not touch anything.

I went home. I phoned one of my sons who brought me some groceries. He dropped them off at the door and stood back 20 feet. He did not want his baby and family to get infected and I certainly did not want to infect them. I felt like a leper.

I was just beginning a week’s holidays which was good since I could not work. However, I was really upset and angry at having my holidays ruined. I had to cancel out of a mixed doubles tennis tournament that I was looking forward to. I had to cancel several other tennis games I’d set up as well as other activities I’d planned. I was really angry about not being able to play with my grandson. I’d planned to take him out several times while I was on holidays and spend time with him. I was angry about the weather being great and my not able to enjoy it. We’d had a cold spring and this week was great weather. I was angry at about not being able to spend time with others but I certainly did not want to give this infection to anyone else.

With my vision so blurred I basically could not do anything. I could not read. I could not watch TV, It hurt my eyes to be in the sunshine. When I walked my brain was scrambled from constantly trying unsuccessfully to focus.  I’d come home a sleep for an hour or two.

I could talk on the phone but all I did was complain to my family and friends about my holiday being ruined. One evening when I could not think of what to do with myself I pulled out a DVD of Restorative Yoga. A friend of mine, Evelyn Neaman, had produced this DVD and given me a copy. Although I could not watch it, I could listen to it and follow directions. So that is what I did. By the end of the hour I let go of my anger. It was unfortunate that my holiday was ruined but I came to accept that I had an infection and needed to deal with it instead of fight it. This helped me. The next day my eyes did not hurt so much. It felt like I had only three grains of sand in my eyes instead of a hundred. Was it because of the yoga? the meds finally kicking in? or both?

Now, two weeks after getting the infection, I still cannot see out of my right eye. Well, I can see, but my sight is very blurred. I cannot read with my right eye. To read with my left I have to use a magnifying glass. I am writing this blog using touch-typing. I am also using an enlarged font so when I do edit it I will find it easier.

It is not easy to be alone all the time. It is very difficult not be able to do the many activities that I normally do. We take our eyes for granted. I’m concerned about how long it will take to recover. I’m told 2-3 weeks.

But at least I’m not angry – just sad and concerned.

Take care,

Dr. Bea

P.S. If there are any mistakes I’ll have to edit them when I can see better.

Posted in Emotions, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Hanging Out with my Grandson: Check out the Tiny Toes

Asleep in the Sling

I really enjoy hanging out with my grandson. When I am with him everything else disappears. I have not felt such joy in years.

One time, when he was about 3 months old, he got tired so I put him in the sling. He quickly fell asleep. I took this photo of him myself. I had to hold the camera as far from my body as I could to get it. When I looked at the photo still in the camera, the image was small. When I printed the photo I saw the tiny toes peeking out.

I got his parents’ permission to share this in my blog.

Enjoy,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Chatting on the Tennis Court about Left Brain and Right Brain.

Last week during my tennis lesson my instructor and I had a chat about left-brain and right-brain functioning. He’d sent me a video clip and wanted to know my thoughts on it. The video clip is a talk by Dr. Jill Bolt Taylor, a researcher of the brain, about her experience of her right and left brain functioning while she was undergoing a stroke. It is a first hand explanation of how the right and left brains functions differently from someone who knows what she is talking about.

We both found Dr. Taylor’s experience fascinating and chatted about what it meant to each of us in our work. I talked to him about working with clients, helping them to shift from left-brain to right-brain so that they can process their emotions and experience. He told me how he had always been trained to suppress his feelings and about 10 years ago figured out himself, after hearing about Andre Agassi seeking psychological help, that it is beneficial to express feelings. He uses what he learned to teach his students, not just about feelings but about skills as well. He taught me to keep my eyes on the ball by focusing on the color and seeing the lines (right brain). He taught me to feel my body in the correct position for each stroke (right brain) rather than think about the correct position (left brain).

We both enjoyed this chat and how we learn from each other. Well-spent time on the court.

Does right brain and left brain function have meaning in your life?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Posted in Communication Skills, Emotions, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Relationship Communication Skills: Make the Fuzzy Clear

Too often in conversations and interactions people assume they know what the other person is talking about or doing. Without checking out their assumptions they act as if what they assume is true or fact. Sometimes their assumptions are indeed true and communication is clear. However, when their assumptions are incorrect communication tends to go sideways.

In relationships we know our partners well. Usually we know what they think, feel, value, expect, get upset and excited about. Sometimes though, knowing each other too well creates blind spots. Clarifying can help navigate the blind spots.

PRONOUNS

Pronouns often make communication fuzzy: I, mine, he, she, his, hers, they, them, you, yours, we, us, one, it, this, that, these, those, other(s), etc.

Example A: Bob’s mother and her sister are coming for dinner.

Bob, “My mom said my aunt is a little unsure that you want her to come. She wants you to give her a call.”

Ann (thinking the ‘her’ referred to is Bob’s aunt), “I don’t feel comfortable calling her.”

(For Bob the ‘her’ is his mother). Bob (impatient), “What’s the big deal? Give her a call.”

Ann: (feels pressured and wants to avoid) It’s your family. You do it. I bought the groceries and I’m making the dinner. You haven’t done much at all.

THE FIGHT IS ON. Now the issue shifts away from making a phone call.

Make the fuzzy clear: Ann, “Who, your mom or your aunt?”

Example B: Sue, “This week I’m going on the road with my boss.”

Greg, “Yesterday I really impressed my boss with what I did. You know, when you get an opportunity to make more of an impact you should go for it.”

[When people say ‘you' they could be referring to you, they could mean themselves, or everyone one in general.]

Make the fuzzy clear: Sue, When you say ‘you’ do you mean yourself, everyone or me?”

Example C: Siggie: We’re going to Joan’s for a potluck dinner. Do you want to come?

[Knowing specifically who or what is involved helps you make decisions that work out better for you.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Jane: (Thinking – It depends on who is going.) Who is ‘we’?

Example D: Joe, “I’m working late every night next week. The week after I’m going out of town for 3 days. It gets more and more difficult.”

[What is the ‘it'? Working a lot? Traveling? Keeping up? Getting enough time with family?]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: John, ” What is it that is more difficult for you?”

Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

QUALIFIERS

Words that qualify can have different meaning for different people.

Sometimes, early/late, in a little while, high/low, hard/soft, big/small, strong/weak, fast/slow, positive/negative, mostly/slightly, more/less, helpful/not helpful, harmful, safe/dangerous etc.

When people communicate they often have different ideas in mind. It is often helpful to inquire more about what someone is thinking or intending before you respond. What is difficult for one person may seem easy to another. What is slightly stressful for one person may be really stressful for another.

Example E: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Sam, “When you say you will be late, how late is late?

Example F: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Julie, “You mentioned you wanted to earn more money, how much more do you have in mind?”

Example G: Fred, “Stop doing that, it’s harmful.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “What exactly do you find ‘harmful’? [He thinks he know sbut perhaps it is not what he expects.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “How do you see it as harmful?”

[The key here is the word YOU. The receiver may or may not see it as harmful but to the sender it is harmful. Rather than argue about whether or not it is harmful, inquire how the sender views it, or experiences it as harmful.

IDIOSYNCRATIC (personal) MEANING

People often use the same words or expressions but have different meanings for them. Often the meanings are only slightly different but sometimes they are vastly different.

Take the word ‘drunk’ for instance. We all have a common meaning for ‘drunk’. Yet a person who had a parent who was a mean drunk when they were growing up has a different additional meaning for ‘drunk’ than a person who had a parent who occasionally got drunk and was funny when they did.

Words

Example H: My Tennis Instructor: “I no longer trust Federer.” (Federer is a top tennis player.)

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Me: “In what way don’t you trust him?” (I was inquiring about what he meant by the word ‘trust’.)

Phrases

Example I

‘Losing it’ refers to a range of behaviors varying from almost nothing to extreme violence. For some people ‘losing it’ means saying something or doing something when usually they say or do nothing. Some people use this expression when they just mean that they lost their focus. For other people ‘losing it’ means they became physical, either with only themselves (punched a hole in the wall), or with someone else (punched someone else).

‘Losing it’ could also mean becoming emotional. For some people this could mean showing a few tears while for others it means they became hysterical.

Example J: Jim: “Boy, I lost it with my manager yesterday.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Rick, “When you say you ‘lost it’ what exactly did you say and do?”

Inquiring early in a conversation keeps communication clear. Clarifying leads to clearer understanding, effective communication, and less reactivity. Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

I encourage all of you to assume less and clarify more.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

How Feeling What You Feel Can Guide You to Positive Action.

It took me many years to complete my Ph.D. Acquaintances, friends and family would often ask me “When will you be finished?” I got tired of this question because I did not have the answer. I told people to stop asking me. I told them that when I finish I’d let them know.

Well, the day finally came. In the morning I successfully defended my research! The professors shook my hand and called me Dr. Mackay. How wonderfully strange it sounded.

Good friends took me out for a congratulatory lunch. I came home and started making the phone calls to let friends and family know. Most people were at work so I left lots of messages. Then I was done. As I sat there, calm for the first time this day, I became aware that I felt sad. I was puzzled. Why on earth was I sad when I just completed something I was really happy about? I sat with my sadness and let myself feel it.

Gradually I became aware of what I was sad about. Who do you want to tell when you’ve done something fantastic? Mom and Dad, right? Well both my parents were deceased, so I could not tell them. That made me sadder. I let myself feel the sadness that I could never share this with them.

I don’t know where it came from, but I got the idea of writing to people who knew my parents and knew me – people who would know how my parents would have felt about what I had achieved. So I got out writing paper and wrote to my parents’ best friends, people who had known me all of my life. I also wrote to the parents of a long-term friend of mine who also knew my parents. I told them what had just happened and that I was writing them because I could not let my parents know. When I had finished I felt good – like I had completed something.

Shortly after that the phone started ringing with many congratulations and I felt happy again.

About a week later I received flowers from both parties with congratulations. They said they were delighted that I’d written to them and let them know. They told me how proud my parents would have been. It was wonderful! It was sort of like I’d told my parents.

If I had not let myself feel my sadness I would have never gotten to the action that gave me a sense of closure and brought me such good feelings.

Let yourself feel what you feel. It can guide you to positive action.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Husbands, Rate Your Wives (social norms from the 1930′s)

Husbands, rate your wives is an article from the American Psychological Association (APA) that shows an interesting glimpse into the social norms of the 1930s—and early attempts to improve marriages through scientific assessment and matchmaking.

“Some of psychology’s most interesting artifacts reflect not only the zeitgeist of the times but the personalities of the psychologists behind them. One such example is the “Marital Rating Scale—Wife’s Chart,” a test developed in the late 1930s by George W. Crane, MD, PhD, (1901–95) of Northwestern University, who ran a counseling practice, wrote a syndicated national newspaper column called “The Worry Clinic” and started his own matchmaking service.”

marital scale test

Husbands, rate your wives
By Nick Joyce and David B. Baker, PhD
Monitor on Psychology Volume 39, No. 5 May 2008 (p.1

____________________________

Share your reactions to this article with us.

Sometime it helps to gain perspective on your life by looking at history. Here are the expectations (demands?) a doctor/counselor had of wives 70 years ago.

Share your thoughts on this with us.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Make Relationship Changes Now (Pt. 3): Don’t Agree to do Anything that You Really Don’t want to do.

It’s a given that people in relationship need things from one another. Sometimes you want to do what is needed to be done. Sometimes you don’t want to, but you don’t mind doing it. Occasionally you really do not want to do what your partner needs you to do.

It is important to know two truths:

Saying ‘no’ to your partner does not mean you do not love him or her.

Saying ‘no’ to your partner can actually make your relationship better by avoiding problems.

How to avoid backing yourself into a corner.

1) Ask for time before you agree.

When your spouse asks you to do something that you are not sure you want to do, ask for time.

Example: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”

2) If you can’t keep your promise, inform your partner ASAP

Example 1:

“Last week when I promised to ………, I forgot that my brother is coming into town so I can’t do it.”

3) Renegotiate with Your Partner ASAP

When you have already agreed to do something that later you realize you really do not want to do, use the After-the-Fact Communication skill with you partner.

Through discussion the couple can come up with another solution that each feels OK about.

Example 1:

“I know that yesterday I agreed to do …………… but I’ve had a chance to think about it and I really don’t want to do it. Let’s talk about it.”

Scenario 1: Yesterday Fran had promised she would make dinner today for Eddie and herself. During the day she realized it was going to be too stressful for her to do that. She phoned Eddie and says I’ve had chance to think about it and I would rather meet you for a drink at Bottoms Up and then go for seafood at Kettle of Fish. It’s on me. Are you OK with that?

Scenario 1:

Susan and Bill have a schedule about who picks up the children from daycare. Susan has been asking Bill to pick up the children on her days more and more often. While he is OK about doing it occasionally for her, doing it too often interferes with his work. He began feeling stressed and resentful toward her. Bill told Susan what he felt and through discussion they found another option – Susan’s mother was able to pick up the children one day a week which alleviated Susan ‘s stress level and tight schedule.

Or:

Susan may say she did not realize that she was doing this. She may have thought Bill was OK with it because he never complained. She may ask him to pick up the kids today but she will make more of an effort to keep her commitments in the future.

_____________________________

Marriage and long-term relationships require a lot of collaboration. Couples are always asking each other for help, for favors, for support, for input, for backup and to do work. Couples who work together as a team feel good about each other and the good feelings they have help them deal more easily with what issues and problems they have. Each feels connected to the other and not alone in the world. This is the ideal.

In courtship this is often the way it is. Lovers in love want to all sorts of things for each other. Making the your lover’s life easier gives you pleasure. You enjoy their appreciation. When you lover does something for you, you feel loved and valued. You want to return the good will. A positive interactive cycle develops between the couple and gains momentum. As long as the giving and receiving is reciprocal, all is right with the world. The couple will work well together.

As relationships shift from courtship into permanent on-going day-to-day living, couples settle into patterns with each other. The first year of living together is about developing these patterns, some of which are conscious and some of which are unconscious.

Life is life. Things happen. Life busy. Sometimes we agree to do something for our partner without thinking about it. Perhaps we just want to ease their life. Other times we want to avoid an argument and our partner’s wrath. We could be distracted when we agree to do something and not think it through before we agree.

What happens when we agree to do something that we realize that we can’t follow through on? Well that’s easy. As soon as we realize the problem, we can use the After-the-Fact Communication skill to go back to our partner and let them know.

But what happens when we agree to do something that afterwards we do not want to do? Perhaps we even realize we don’t want to do it when we agree to it but we don’t say so.

Some people will go ahead and do it because they’ve given their word. If they do not feel resentful about it, there is no problem. But they realize that for their own good and that of the relationship they need to say ‘no’ to something that they really do not want to do.

But all too often what happens is the person does not go to their partner with the problem. They intend to do what they agreed to, but they procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate. Now there is a new problem between the couple.

“You said you would ……… and you haven’t. You’ve let me down. You’ve made be look foolish. You’ve caused me more work. I can’t count on you. I can’t trust you. You lied to me.”

Avoid these problems. Don’t agree to do something that you really don’t want to do.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Compatible Decision Quiz, Emotions, Personal Stories, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources | 1 Comment »

Can Truth Come From a Child’s Humiliation?

On Thursday, I was watching television as I ate my breakfast.

There was a clip about a boy aged about 10 or 11 years old. He was standing by the side of the road holding a yellow placard. On the placard in large letters were the words, “I can’t stop lying. I think my mother is stupid but I keep getting caught.”. (Not the exact words but that was the message.)

The boy was interviewed. He said his mother was trying to teach him a lesson. The mother was interviewed. She wanted to embarrass him into telling the truth.

I felt really sad to see this negative relationship pattern between parents and children. I find parents try to teach their children not to lie by focusing on ‘lying’ behavior. They catch their children in lies and then punish them. However, if the child admits to doing something wrong, that is, tell the truth, then they also get punished. It’s a no-win situation for the child.

When parents focus on lying rather than truth-telling they tend to get into power struggles with their children that create a vicious cycle in which everyone is a loser. The parents catch their children in lies and punish them. The children are frightened of being punished so they lie. Frightened children tend to lie or go mute. The more children lie, the more their parents catch them in lies, and punish them. Children become afraid of their parents. The parents become suspicious of the children.  Both become angry with each other.  It’s a bad outcome for everyone involved.

Punishment and humiliation can easily backfire damaging any relationship. The relief children experience when they are not caught is reinforcing -tempting them to lie again.  From this cycle, what children actually learn from their parents is “It’s OK to lie, just don’t get CAUGHT lying”.

Parents would do better to focus on their children’s truth-telling behavior. How to do that? See the handout for parents in our Articles section.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Parenting, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

How to Improve Your Relationships in the Present by Talking about the Past. Part 3:

Remembering the Past in More Detail

An example of over remembering the past in more detail comes from my own experience. In my thirties I did some major work on myself in therapy. One day, during a session, I recalled a memory from my early childhood. I don’t remember what we had been talking about at the time, I just remember my experience.

The Memory: I was three years old. I remember that because we still lived in the house on the farm. We moved from that house before I turned four. My mother, brother and I were standing in front of the wood stove popping popcorn. We were all crying.

That was all there was to the memory. It was not a new memory. Any time I had thought about it I was puzzled. I could not make sense out of it. Why were we crying? We were making popcorn. Popcorn was a special treat in those days. This was not like making popcorn today. Back then, my mother would scrape the small black kernels off the cob, put them into the frying pan and they would noisily POP into fluffy white yummy pieces of popcorn. It was magical, especially to a three year old. So why were we all crying?

By the end of this session nothing more had come from my recalling this memory. I left the therapist’s office and went about my day. But I could not stop thinking about it. I knew – I just knew – that there was something very important in this memory. For the rest of the day I was in my own little bubble.

That evening I made dinner as usual, put the kids to bed as usual and then went to bed at 8:00 pm, earlier than usual. I just wanted to be by myself so I could continue to think about this memory. I lay there in the dark, visualizing the scene over and over. Later my husband came to bed and I pretended to be asleep. I just did not want to be interrupted. I continued to lie there for hours thinking. Finally! At 4:00 am I got the answer.

I had always thought that we were all crying about the same thing. But as the memory became clearer I realized that my brother and I were crying because our mother had just strapped us. I don’t remember what for. (This was the late 40s and spankings were considered part of good parenting. People often quoted the Bible: “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”) My mother was crying because she felt badly about what she had done to us. She was making the popcorn to make up to us for what she’d done.

Then the memory all made sense to me. I always thought when my mother strapped us kids that she wanted to do it. What I got from the memory was that she had ‘lost it’ and she could not help herself. I may have been only three but I was there.

I felt a flood of forgiveness for her. I felt relief. I felt a release. I fell into a sound peaceful sleep.

This changed my relationship with my mother in a positive way. I was different with her and she responded to my change with change of her own.

The change in the present did not stop there. Before I had this revelation I was the type of person who was warm and affectionate with family and friends but not with acquaintances or strangers. I did not like people I did not know well to touch me and I did not touch them. In the next days after I experienced this huge shift I found myself spontaneously reaching out and touching others. Also, I found myself liking it when people were physically warm with me. I didn’t think about it; it just happened. I’m not sure why this change occurred, but I liked it. The change has lasted to this day.

It is not always possible to remember more about a past event but it can sometimes happen when people reminisce about the past. In therapy people often do remember more about a past event, especially if they deliberately focus on the past. It also happens that new memories of other events come to mind that shed more light on the original memory.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Emotions, Personal Stories | No Comments »

My Amazing Tennis Buddy

As I drive into the parking lot at the tennis club I see her car. She’s already there. Like me, she’s an early bird and likes to play in the mornings. As I walk into the foyer I see her standing at the computer booking a court for us. Her head is doing it’s Parkinson’s bob making her blond-grey ponytail on top of her head sway. I help her with the booking and then go to the locker room to get my tennis racket. When I come out I see her in the gym pumping iron. She finishes up her final set and we head to the court to meet the other players.

This group is in their 70′s and play regularly Tuesday and Friday mornings. They often invite me to spare for them when they need someone and I am happy to join them. Their hand/eye co-ordination is excellent and they strike the ball fairly hard. While they cannot run well, they consistently place the ball accurately. They are serious about their tennis and get angry at themselves when they miss a shot. They are resigned when they are unable to get to drop shots. When I play with my buddy I do as much of the running as I can for her.

There I am, as usual, the only left-hander with three right-handers. However, my buddy was not always right-handed. Many years ago her left arm was badly injured and she learned to play tennis with her right-hand! As a left-hander I am amazed she can play as well as she can.

After our set I get dressed and go to work. As I’m leaving I see my buddy playing another set. Two and a half hours of tennis – not bad when you’re in your 70′s!

Keep fit!

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Personal Stories, Relationship Counseling, Uncategorized | No Comments »