I often need massage because I have some injury from tennis, looking after my grandson or some other activity.  But the best massages are when I’m fully fit and healthy. After several years my massage therapist knows my body better than I do.  It’s nice having someone know your body so well.  He knows where I carry my tension and works it out of my body when I didn’t even know it was there.  He knows where I’ve had injuries and makes extra focus on those areas.

I enjoy deep tissue massage. Not everybody does.  I like the strong pressure on my skin and muscles even when it sometimes hurts.  The lighter massage feels pleasant but it does not impact me the way deep tissue does.

Yesterday, as my massage therapist was working on my lower leg, I was reminded of the experience of making passionate love in the past. I did not feel sexually aroused.  The strong pressure on my skin and muscles made me feel – it is difficult to put into words – alive, present, impacted and loved.  I did not feel loved by my massage therapist – of course we have a good report– it was the pressure he was applying that reminded me of feeling loved during passionate love-making in the past when I was touched that intensely.  It felt good to remember.

During massage I find it difficult to stay focused on the part of my body being touched.  I can do it for short times and then my mind goes off to the future or the past.  Then I’m brought back to the present by the wonderful pressure on my skin and muscles.  I stay with the sensations for awhile.  It’s difficult to stay in the moment, but oh so satisfying when I do.  I experience a pleasant kind of grogginess at the end of the session. I move slowly.

Humans need to touch and be touched.  That’s why we love children and pets because they seek us out for touch and we get our need to touch and be touched by caring for them and playing with them. Couples frequently massage each others’ backs, feet and, of course, other parts.  When my sons were teens, giving them occasional back rubs was a way I connected with them and expressed love without them thinking I was being soppy.

It is important to have regular massage treatments if you are not in a current relationship.  Skin hunger can build up over time.  Without intending to, people who are deprived often act out sexually (especially when alcohol and drugs are involved) and have regrets afterward.

In our current North American life style we often are too much in our heads – thinking thinking thinking –  which disconnects us from our bodies.  Massage helps us keep connected to our bodies and helps us remain balanced between mind and body in a healthy way.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Being a participant of the ceremonies is very different from watching it on TV.  I felt a part of it.  Sixty thousand people!  It is the energy you experience that makes the difference.  You don’t get that when you watch it on TV.  You don’t just hear the cheering, clapping and pounding on the drums, you feel the vibrations from it. During the program there is so much to see.  When you watch it on TV, the camera decides what you’re going to focus on.  When you are there, you can look around at all the activities going on. You see things that the camera never shows. You can focus on what you want to look at.

Our seats were on the floor of the stadium, close enough to the stage to see the faces of all the performers. It was especially fun to see all the smiling faces of the athletes as they entered.  They were really enjoying the experience.

One theme of the ceremonies was the 4 different First Nations people, and the rest of Canadians, welcoming the athletes. The other theme was winter, apropos for a winter Olympics, complete with different types of fake snow – soap suds?? and confetti.  White was the color of the day.  It created a great atmosphere.

I enjoyed most of the program.  It was impressive. I liked how the movie of the snowboarder on the mountains ended with him [albeit at different person] bursting into the stadium on his snowboard. I was amazed at the different landscapes that were created by projecting images on the huge white stage. There were ice fields, oceans, fields and mountains conveying the vastness of Canada.  There were killer whales swimming in the oceans, spouting up misty air as they surfaced.  There were thunderstorms and aurora borealis.  There was so much to see.  K.D Lang’s performance of Leonard Cohen song, Alleluia, was very moving.

I enjoyed sharing the experience with my sons and my good friend, SS.  In the middle of the program my eldest son leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for bringing him.

Now the downside.

When the National Anthem started, we were all standing.  I sang the first line of the anthem and then –  the anthem when sideways.  It was a jazzed up version of the anthem which might have been fine in some other situation or setting but certainly not this one.  It did not make our hearts ‘glow’.  I was just standing there confused and puzzled.  I did not feel right.  I felt disconnected from everyone.  Not being able to sing the National Anthem together with 60,000 people was a huge unexpected disappointment.  What a missed opportunity!  I’ve lived in Vancouver for almost 44 years.  I’ve seen the city change from mostly Caucasian people to one with 45% Asian people, as well as people from many other races.  The best way for people to feel connected to each other is to sing together, especially the National Anthem. I saw the movie, The Singing Revolution, the story of the Estonian people, who retained their independence from Russia by uniting and connecting through singing. There is such power in singing together!  Whoever made the decision to have that version of Oh Canada – what were they thinking????????    I hope they do not do that for the Closing Ceremonies.  I also did not enjoy the opera singer who sang the Olympic anthem. Not a good night for anthems.

Apart from the surprise disappointment, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  Now when I watch future Opening Ceremonies I will recall what it was like to be at the 2010 Opening Ceremonies.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I intended to sell two of the tickets to cover the cost, or at least reduce the cost but, other than put the word out, I never did anything serious to sell the tickets, such put them for sale on the Internet. In the end, I invited my two sons to attend with me.  I wanted to share the experience with them. The night before I gave a ticket to each of my sons as they would be making their own way from work to the stadium.

My friend invited me to a pre-game linner [lunch + dinner].  She managed to get an excellent restaurant, very near the stadium, to open early for the occasion.  We took a taxi to the restaurant.  Excitement was in the air.   We got out near the restaurant because the traffic was moving too slowly.  The roads were busy and there were many street closures.  At one point as we walked along, I lost my friend and turned back to find her.  She was buying some Canadian flags.  As I approached her I suddenly looked up, right beside her there was a camera filming an on-the-spot interview with a person-in-the-street.  Oooops!   I didn’t plan to be a part of that.  She got her flags and we took off for the restaurant.

After a delicious linner in a calm atmosphere, we headed out into crowds. Getting through security in a timely manner was not going to be easy.  I’d heard that it might take 2-3 hours to get through.  Instructions were for everyone to be seated an hour before the ceremony began because we had things to do and activities to practice.  There were lots of police and volunteers directing us to the security entrances.  It took 40-45 minutes to get through security. Once in, we were able to get to our seats quickly – only 15 minutes late.  I was so intent on finding our specific seats that I wasn’t looking at the people. For a few seconds, I thought there was a guy in one of our seats when I suddenly realized it was my youngest son.  I had not expected either of my sons to get there before we did. My eldest son arrived half an hour later and we quickly filled him in on what to do.

On each seat there was a cardboard box, designed and decorated like a drum, with goodies in it.  We needed to put batteries in two flashlights, one a regular one and the other a ‘candle’ with a yellow glow.  There was a drum stick with a round ball at the end, a Canadian flag and a white Styrofoam poncho. Each section had a leader who guided us through the what, how and when to use all the things in the ‘drum’.

We practiced the countdown with the lights on.  In each section some of the drums were blue on the back and some were white. Mine was white and we were in section 1.  Someone counted down from 10.  As each number was called we stood up and held up our drums.  The white drums displayed the number and the blue ones made up the background.  With the lights on, what we saw was all the people standing up as their section number was called.  With the lights out, you couldn’t see the people – only the giant numbers.  They really stood out.  Across the stadium we could see the numbers as they appeared in the crowd – 10…9…8 etc.

The practicing was lots of fun.  The whole place was buzzing with energy.

Next Post: the highs and lows of the ceremonies.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

When my mother died suddenly, I flew to Winnipeg for the funeral.  The morning after the funeral my father had a mild stroke.  I was the one who took him to the hospital. He was in a wheelchair and I was leaning over, helping him as he was being sick.  Suddenly, I felt my brain move! I stood up straight quickly.  I looked around to see if anyone notice what had gone on in my brain (which of course no one could have).  It did not hurt and it only lasted a second or two.  I felt different.  I felt like an adult for the first time in my life.  I also felt two feet taller. I was 38 years old.

I had just lost my mother and, in a way, my father too.  My father had always been the Rock of Gibraltar in my life.  He had always been big and strong.  Now, he was the weak one and I was the caretaker, he was the child and I was the parent.

I am the youngest in a family of 4 kids and was always the ‘little one’.  At least I felt little because everyone was bigger than I was.  My father and brothers were over 6 feet tall.  My mother was 5’8″ and large.  I was the same size as my sister, but because she is seven years older than I am, she always seem bigger to me.

I don’t know what happened inside my head.  I know brains don’t move.  But it felt like it moved . You know when you have an ‘ah ha’ experience, you sort of feel it in your head – the light bulb moment.  Perhaps it was a massive insight – a large reorganization of my brain, updating my perception of self to match my chronological age.

I had just suddenly lost both my parents, albeit, in different ways.  For a while after that I would stand beside other adults and feel how tall I was, especially when I was wearing heels.  I was no longer the ‘little one’. I had matured emotionally into an adult, yet the experience was so physical. Obviously I was ready to come into my own as an adult or it would not have happened.  I’d certainly had enough therapy to help me get there.

My children and I stayed with my father for about 10 days after that.  My father and I talked a lot about our lives, especially his and my mother’s .  He lived for another 13 years.  When he died, I felt sad, but felt no loss.  We had said all we needed to say to each other 13 years earlier. It was as if I’d lost him and grieved for him then.

The changes I felt that day have been permanent.  It was a remarkable experience.  I’ve benefitted so much from it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Today’s the date – February 14^th – Valentine’s Day.  I’ve been looking forward to it all week. I have a date with the ‘hot’ new man in my life. I picked out a special card just for him. We’ve been seeing each other for about 17 months now. I can hardly wait until he arrives at my door. I know I’ll see a big smile on his face, showing his delight in seeing me.

We’re going to spend the evening together at my place having dinner and just hanging out.  I hear that you’ve found the right person to love if you can be goofy together.  We have lots of fun being goofy together – especially when his parents are not around.  Who is this guy? – my 1 year old grandson.

Enjoy the Valentine(s) in your life,

Dr. Bea

I received a priceless present this Christmas. It came via Facebook. Someone from the past was trying to find me. After a bit of sorting out, we discovered I was the one she was looking for.

Here is what she wanted to tell me:

I’ve thought of you often, over the years. I guess you probably could never know, but when you showed up at my Graduation – you literally saved my life. I haven’t often felt as alone as I did that night, and I’ll never forget how you made me feel when you showed up. Like someone cared.

I’d like to thank YOU. You did literally save my life, that night you came to my Graduation. I remember clearly thinking that after the ceremony, I was going to go home and kill myself. I carried that card you gave around for almost 20 years, too.

Thank You Bea.. and God Bless You. I’ve waited 20 years to say that, and boy! Does it feel good!

Hoping you’re set up to have a Wonderful Christmas!

How it came about:

Years ago when I was taking my Master degree in Family Counseling, I was doing my practicum at the university clinic in a local high school. I remember working with a troubled family who had two daughters. It seemed to me that no one cared about the eldest daughter. She was a good kid! No one in her family was going to her high school graduation. So I decided to go. I wanted her to know that someone noticed her and someone cared. I gave her a card and a small gift.

Until I heard from her recently, little did I know how significant an impact my being there was on her or how dear she held the card I gave her. Hearing from her has warmed my heart and made me feel so good. I wanted to make a difference and I did!

You can too!

I encourage all of you to reach out to others with small gestures. You may never know if what you do or say has the impact you intend, but don’t let that get in the way.  (If it wasn’t for Facebook we probably never would have reconnected.) You too could make a difference, big or small, in someone’s life.

May this Holiday Season be wonderful for you!

With Care and Concern,

Dr. Bea

In 1998 I gave a workshop at an international level for the very first time.  I was both excited and nervous about taking my workshops to a new level.

The morning of the day I was to give my workshop I woke up in a state of absolute terror.   I knew why I was terrified.  I knew that I was far more anxious than called for.  I knew that I was competent and capable enough to give the workshop I was about to do.  But knowing that did not make the terror I was experiencing in that moment go away.

I knew I could stop the feeling of terror if I got up out of bed and started doing something to occupy my mind  (i.e. shift from my right brain to my left brain.)  But I also knew that the terror would not go away, it would just go under ground and keep affecting my behavior in ways that I could not control.  I didn’t want that.

Because of my training, experience and knowledge of psychotherapy I knew if I stayed with the terror and breathed through it that my brain would process it.

So I lie there in bed and felt it.  There are no words to describe how horrible this level of terror is.  The only way I can describe it is that I felt white cold waves of horrible sensations course through my body from head to toe.  The terror came in waves.  I breathed through each wave as it came.  It was very difficult to stay with it.

I did this for two hours. In the right brain, time is experienced differently than in the left brain.  It didn’t seem like 2 hours.  At 7:00 am I had to get ready for the workshop that was at 9:00 am.

I did my workshop and it went well.  I had a few problems with one participant, but over all, it went well.   After the conference was over I got positive feedback from the workshop survey sheets.

Since that time I’ve presented workshops in Canada, Europe, Australia and the USA without any fear.  The amount of anxiety I feel is normal and appropriate to the nature of the event.  In fact, I experience it as excitement as well as anxiety. I believe that excitement and anxiety are flip sides of the same coin. I really enjoy teaching what I know to others.

No one wants to feel difficult feelings.  But facing them, rather than avoiding them, is productive. Once the difficult emotions are felt and processed you are free to live your life as you want.  It is no longer there to determine your behaviors and rule your life.

If you are afraid of abandonment and you access the feelings/sensations and process them, the feelings of abandonment will no longer feel overwhelming, they will be manageable. Then if and when you experience them again you know you can successfully survive them. You don’t have to avoid them. That means you can enter into and enjoy a relationship and it is more likely to last because you handle yourself well.

That goes for any feeling (in a relationship or in other areas of your life) terror, rejection, disappointment, loneliness, humiliation, exposed, hopelessness, shame, failure, losing oneself, out of controlled and others.

Breathe and be yourself,

Dr. Bea

After attending the conference in Manchester my friend and I took the Chunnel to Paris and hung out there for a few days. We found the people very friendly and helpful. Our hotel was on the outskirts of Paris yet close to the Metro. We found it really easy to get around Paris on the M. When it came time to leave, the friendly staff at our hotel told us it was 60 Euro’s to take a taxi to the airport and 8.60 Euro’s on the Metro – a big difference. So we decided to take the M even though they said it would be difficult. I stayed on a day longer than my friend which meant we each went on our own.

The difficult part was the luggage. I had one medium size suitcase on wheels. I made sure that everything was packed into the one suitcase. I had to change trains three times. There was not always a lift (elevator) to use, which meant carrying the suitcase up and downstairs. I was not looking for help, yet twice I was offered help to carry my suitcase, once by a woman and once by a man. People helped me getting on and off the trains by pushing the button on the door and making room for me on the train. At the airport there were different stops for different airlines. One of the staff made sure I was getting off at the correct stop.

I was surprised and very grateful. My assumptions of Parisians people have changed.

If anyone reading this blog knows anyone in Paris, let them know I appreciate their friendliness and helpfulness.

Happy, but tired traveler,

Dr. Bea

P.S. I wish I was fluent in French.

One of the things that my illness taught me was that I’m working too hard. The only way I could be stopped from working at my private practice, blogging, playing tennis, driving, reading, watching TV and using the computer would be to shut down my eyes. Even going for a walk was difficult because although I could see, everything was blurry. My brain kept trying to focus my eyes and was scrambled from the strain. Because I was contagious I could not see anyone. I quarantined myself and spent a lot of time alone. I could talk on the phone and did. My friends were a good support. Not being able to do things forced me to stop and think about my life and what is going on. Having nothing to do, or rather, having nothing I could do, was wonderful. What a change! What relief! The pressure was off. I slept a lot. I’m enjoying the blogging yet trying to do two blogs a week, as well as work full time, is a lot. And there’s having a life too.

I attend this particular conference, AAGT (the Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) every two years. Usually I do a workshop or two at the conferences. I tried to put in a proposal but the deadline came and went and I just could not get it done. I took that to mean I was not meant to do a workshop this time. There’s the universe sending me messages again. So, because I had done so much work on the last conference I decided to attend the conference and do nothing. I still went to workshops and attended activities but without any expectation or demands on myself. By doing that I had a different experience than I usually have. I enjoyed the conference much more and I got more out of the workshops. I was actually inspired by one workshop and have been acting on the inspiration.

In both cases doing ‘nothing’ because I couldn’t or because I chose to, resulted in my realizing that I need to take a look at my life and make some changes. Retirement is not in my vocabulary (it may be for others but not for me) but I do not want to keep working as hard as I have been.

The universe is very wise. I’m listening to it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

When I got the infection in my eyes I was referred to an ophthalmologist. She diagnosed me with a bacterial infection – conjunctivitis with an allergic reaction to the drops I’d been prescribed by the doctor at the Walk-In-Clinic. She told me I was infectious and to use different towels from others in my household.

When I went to the Emergency Department at the hospital I was diagnosed with Adeno Viral Eye Infection and told I was extremely infectious. The doctor told me that the examination room would be scrubbed down with bleach when I left and he held all the doors open for me so I would not touch them. He told me to get treatment outside a hospital because this virus was so contagious that they feared a breakout in the hospital. I said if I’m that contagious should I go and see the ophthalmologist? He said that ophthalmologists deal with these things all the time.

I went back to my ophthalmologist. Now I was aware that I am highly contagious. There seems to be no concern about contagiousness in the waiting room. I sat down but I did not touch the arms of the chair and I did not handle any reading material (my eyes were too blurry to read anyway).

While I’m waiting my turn, an elderly couple came in. I could tell that they both had been probably six inches taller in their younger life. The husband had a patch over one eye. The husband sat beside me, his upper arm brushing my upper arm. He went into the ophthalmologist’s examination room and came out a few minutes with drops in his eyes to dilate his pupils. He sat down and whispered to his wife, “She thinks it’s Herpes.” and then picked up one of the available newspapers.

I was jolted. Thoughts raced through my mind. I did not want to get Herpes in my eyes. I wondered how he got Herpes in his eye. What’s it like to have Herpes in your eyes? These waiting rooms (sometimes even the examinations rooms if not maintained well) are dangerous places! Who knows what diseases one could catch while getting treatment for a different condition. There is an incubation period between picking up a virus or bacteria and the symptoms manifested by it, so the two may not be connected.

I had some sanitizer in my purse. As soon as I was finished with the ophthalmologist and left the office I put sanitizer on my hands and my arm where I’d brushed up against the elderly gentleman. I was taking no chances.

I’m almost fully recovered now and still being careful. I do not know where or how I got the infection but I can take precautions. As I get beyond this illness I will probably be less vigilant but never as lax as I have been for years.

Wash you hands – lots,

Dr. Bea Mackay