In intact families, children have a home – their own home.  At least that is how they perceive it. Once families break up, children usually lose their home.  In most cases, it is financially impossible to keep the family home.  The kids are told they now have two homes, Mom’s home and Dad’s home.  In some ways, that is true.  However, what often happens is that Mom has a home and Dad has a home and the children have a suitcase/backpack and go back and forth between the two homes.  In reality, they no longer have their own home.

It is less bad for the children who are able to continue to live in the home they grew up in, even if they also go to the other parent’s home.  The home they were in when the family was intact still feels like their own home.  If the home remains relatively unchanged, the children retain a sense of stability and a sense that they still have their own home. For example, if the father was away from home a lot and he is the one who moves out, then home life may remain similar. However, if the home changes in a major or fundamental way, the sense of home can be shattered.

There are many factors which impact on children when their home breaks up. How the children are impacted and how they respond or react to the changes, influence their experience of life after mom and dad’s relationship breaks up.  For some children, things may get a lot better and for others, a lot worse.

I don’t know if there is any research on what it is like for children to go back and forth between homes.

I would like to hear from adults who went back and forth between homes as a child/adolescent.  We need to know what the impact is on children so we can lessen the damage done – lessen the baggage they take into adulthood and their adult relationships. I would like to hear about the successes as well as the painful and difficult experiences.

If anyone has any experience of this situation, either personally or know of others who do, I would welcome hearing about it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I said, “Oh, you want to play the Punching Game.”  He said,  “Yes.”  We started swinging,  pretending to punch each other.  We did not hit each other. At first, I would just touch (not hit)  him occasionally with my fist until I realize that he was not touching me at all.  So I stopped touching him.

He delighted in this game, giggling and laughing.  He would swing his arms in the air, twirled around several times and then fall to the ground all the time laughing.  I followed his lead. From my knees, I would swing my arms, grunting as I made each “punch”.  When he fell to the ground, I would ‘fall over’ by dropping my head to the ground.  The game evolved as we played it over and over. He made changes.  After he dropped to the ground he began to wiggle over and put his head between my knees and my head.  We would look at each other ‘eyeball to eyeball’.  I would say ‘hello’ and we would laugh.  Then, we would get up and do it all over again.  He loves this game.  I especially love the moment when we are eyeball to eyeball.

He still asks me to play the ‘pun game’.  He can’t say ‘punch’ so it took me a while to figure out what he was asking.

Nobody gets hit. Nobody gets hurt.  We just have a lot of laughs when we play it.

Young children have impulses and urges they are learning to control.  Often they are told they are bad when they hit and bite. Their parents’ harsh tone of voice and angry facial expressions are distressing to them. That is hard on their self esteem. The behavior is not OK and needs to be shifted into positive behavior.  I believe that it is much better to channel their impulses into a healthy game so that they are not made to feel wrong or bad.

At one point when my boys were very little, both of them bit me.  I said, “Oh you want to play the ‘bite’ game.  Let’s take turns.”  I offered my hand and immediately pulled it away when I got bitten, complaining loudly – Ow ow ow ow ow!  Then I said, “It’s my turn.”  In a friendly way, I took their hand and I bit it, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to harm.  It did not take many turns of this for them to say they did not want to play the ‘bite’ game anymore.

Note to parents: if you cannot do this in the spirit of a fun game then don’t do it.

When they wanted to stop I said, “OK, let’s not play the ‘bite’ game.  Let’s do something else.”  I did not admonish or chastise them.  It was just a game.  This stopped the biting and hitting.

What I found interesting about my grandson was, after the first ‘punch’ he did not make contact at all when we played the game.  I followed his lead.  He has stopped punching me but, with great delight, we still play the Pun Game.

Protect your little one’s self esteem.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Shawn, a 30 year old man and his mother are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Mother’s cell phone rings and she answers it. It’s her husband. He angrily demands to know when she will be home. She gets flustered and looks frightened. She hands the cell phone to her son, saying she can’t hear her husband. Shawn gets exasperated with his father for once again putting pressure on his mother. Most of his life, Shawn has tried to protect his mother from his father’s domination. He grabs the phone, yells at his father to leave his mother alone and hangs up. His mother gets upset because she knows her husband will be furious at her when she gets home. She can no longer enjoy her time with her son. Her son can no longer enjoy his time with his mother because she is anxious and because he knows he cannot advocate her when she gets home. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Mom’s relationship with Dad. They focus so much on Dad, it’s like he’s there with them. During this talk, Mother feels valued and cared for by her son.

TRIANGULATION :

In this scenario there is ongoing tension between the mother and father.  Both father and mother triangulate the son – father by phoning while they are enjoying time together  –  mother by giving her son the cell phone and telling him she can’t understand the father. The son allows himself to be triangulated by taking the phone and getting angry at the father.

How each could have handled the situation differently.

Possibility 1: Father does an activity by himself or with someone else.  He does not call.

Possibility 2: Mother turns off her cell phone, or lets it go to voicemail.

Possibility 3: Mother answers the call and deals with it herself, does not involve their son.

Possibility 4:  Son does not accept the cell phone when mother holds it out to him.  He refuses to be hooked in and reassures his mother that she can handle it. He says, “This is between you and Dad.  I’m going to stay out of it. You can handle it.” Mother deals with the call.  Mother and son continue their time together, not talking about father.

Mother and Father will reorganize their relationship differently if they stop triangulating – or are unable to triangulate – their son.  That would be healthy for all concerned.

Be aware of triangulation in your relationships.   Once aware, you can choose to be involved or you can respectfully decline.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

When someone in your family tells you a memory, pay close attention. They are sharing their modus operandi for life with you. If there are unhealed traumas from the past, talking about painful memories can help your family member heal.

Memories are blue prints for how to do life.

Children have millions of experiences by the time they are around five to six years old but they only remember a few of them. Why do they remember only a few and why those particular ones? When children are born into this world they quickly have to figure out how to survive, emotionally and physically. It is the emotion surrounding an event that determines meaning. With their limited knowledge and experience of life they come to conclusions about self, others and life. Then they live their life according to the conclusions they’ve come to, whether those conclusions are conscious or unconscious. Memories after the age of 6 are important as well; they tend to confirm or disconfirm previous conclusions.

How to talk about memories.

1.       Listen to the memories without interrupting. Your parent, spouse, child, sibling, cousin or other relative is telling you something important about themselves. Paying attention to them shows them you are interested in them and care about them.

2.       Memories can be happy, neutral or unhappy/painful. Enjoy the happy ones, be curious about the neutral ones and be empathetic with the painful ones. Often, healing can occur through the expression of feelings alone. It is possible for a child and an adult to heal emotionally from talking to a caring person about an experience they had as a child or young adult.

3.       Validate their experiences and the meaning they make of them. Do not argue about whether the events happened or not.  Just because you don’t remember an event does not mean it did not happen.  Or, if you remember the same event differently, it means you made different meaning out of it. Do not be concerned about the truth or facts of the memory. It may or may not be accurate. It is not about the facts; it is about the meaning the person made of their experience and the facts.

4.       Do not assume you know what their memory means. Ask “What do you make of that?” Say, “Tell me more about that.” Invite your family member to say more by being curious about it.

5.       Validate the feelings generated in the memory, positive and/or negative.

6.       If you want to share memories of your own, wait until they are finished.

Note:  Memories are not static.  As a person ages and their circumstances change, their memories may change, or even be forgotten completely.

Reminiscing is healthy if family members are open to listening to each other.

The above holds true of people who are non-family members as well.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Joey comes into the kitchen wanting a cookie.  It’s just before dinner and the smell of dinner is adding to Joey’s hunger.  Dad is cooking dinner and knows if he gives Joey a cookie it will take the edge off his appetite for dinner.  They argue about whether or not Joey can have a cookie.  Would you consider this a fight?

What is fighting for some people is not fighting for others.  Raised voices -  yelling  – hitting – which of these is your definition of fighting?

When asked for their definition of fighting parents-of-preschoolers responded with answers such as – conflicted communication, not listening, not hearing, arguing, punching, hitting, disagreements, arguing in a strong way beyond reason and logic, walking away from the issue, misunderstandings, raised blood pressure, lots of anger and frustration, loss of rational thought, yelling, high stress and more.

In this post fighting is considered any conflict, from a minor squabble to a physical battle.

What is good about fighting in a family?

Fighting prepares children for conflict in life, both at home in the family and in the world at large.  Children who grow up in families where there never is any fighting, or parents hide fighting from the children or fighting is not allowed, are not prepared to deal conflict whether it be with family members or with other people outside the family.  Children need to experience fighting to learn how to handle it.  Then they can better protect themselves and those they care about through life.

Because there will always be conflicts in families it is not a question of if but how members of a family fight.  There are different ways to fight and it is really beneficial for children to learn to fight in a healthy constructive ways.

What is unhealthy fighting?

In unhealthy fighting parents and children try to get what they want from each other and do not care if they hurt, inconvenience or harm each other. They argue and yell, but they never get to a better place.  After the fight is over there are just bad feelings and a sense of frustration. No resolution. No positive change.

I call these the merry-go-round fights.  It’s like getting on a merry-go-round, going round and round, and when you get off you’re no further ahead than before you got on.  At first you’re willing to get on the merry-go-round, that is, you’re willing to engage in a fight, but after awhile you realize that there is no point in spending the time and energy because you will be in the same place, maybe even worse, after it’s over.  So you stop engaging in fighting.  You withdraw. You disengage from whoever it is you’re fighting with – maybe others as well.

Fighting that is loud, excessive, violent or out of control is terrifying for children.  Yelling terrifies children and makes their bodies cringe in distress. They can get so traumatized from it that they avoid conflict at all costs or become bullies themselves.  They often grow up to be fearful adults or bullies and are emotionally handicapped.

What is healthy fighting?

In healthy fighting parents and children stand up for themselves and consider each other as they are do so.  They try to find win/win outcomes. The fight gets resolved and the relationship improves.  Everyone feels good about the outcome.  The fight is worthwhile.

It’s really helpful for children to watch their parent have a fight with each other and resolve the fight in a productive way.  They learn from this that fighting, even though it may be distressful, is normal and can be constructive.  They learn how a marriage and couple relationship works – that there will be fighting and that it can be resolved.

Healthy fighting prepares children for life.  They experience it and learn to tolerate it.  They learn to take part and work toward constructive outcomes.  They learn, through experience and modeling of their parents that fighting can make for better relationships and a better life.

To learn to handle differences and resolve problems see the protocol: Sooner Better than Later. It is designed for couples but is appropriate for family members too.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Rivalry is healthy.

It is normal and natural for siblings to compete with each other. The competition prepares them for the world at large. Healthy individuals are able to compete with others and attain what they want and need. Living in a family and learning how to compete is valuable and productive.  Competing, per se, is not a problem. How family members compete with each other is the key factor.  It’s the style of competition that is healthy or unhealthy. Children learn about competition in the family in several ways. Mostly importantly, how each parent models competition in his or her own life has a big impact on children. Whether or not parents compete with each other and, if so, how they do that, impacts upon their children. How parents handle competition influences how their children will handle it. Children may engage in competition in the same way as their parents, or differently. If it is not fun, they may opt out of competition altogether.

Sibling rivalry is about competing for parental resources.

The first-born never has to compete with a sibling(s) for parental resources; they just have them. When the second child is born he or she begins life competing for parental resources while the first-born has to start competing. The first two children in any family are the most different whether there are two or ten children. The reason for this is because they need different ways to compete for parental resources.  The more children there are in a family the fewer parental resources for each of the children. Children can get more parental resources by being unique, such as gifted, talented, handicapped, troubled, etc.  Children who are unable to compete tend to get lost in the family and feel like they don’t matter.

Parents can promote healthy competition by:

• Modeling competing in healthy way.
• Modeling losing in healthy ways.
• Helping their children compete productively and effectively with each other.
• Not taking sides between siblings.
• Expressing confidence that their children can work out their differences.
• Having clear fair rules/boundaries that they follow through on consistently.
• Comforting and consoling their children when they lose.
• Discouraging their children from disparaging and making fun of each other.

For more in depth on Sibling Rivalry see Article: How Parents Can Make it Better or Worse.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Anger is energy.

It is healthy to channel your anger in constructive and productive ways.

Anger expressed positively can convince a lover or a child that he or she is loved. It can help you get a job done when you’re tired.  It can be motivating. Tiger Woods, one of the top golfers, says, “I sometimes lose my temper on purpose to fire myself up.”

Anger expressed negatively can devastate a child of any age, but especially when they are tiny. Anger can destroy relationships and ruin things of value. People often hurt themselves when they get angry.

There are times when it is appropriate and productive to get angry. But often getting angry can be dangerous, even embarrassing. It is helpful to know the difference and have the impulse control to carry out the choice. Most important of all is how a person acts when angry.

Scenario:

Lesley pulled into her garage after a long hectic day at work. As she got out of her car she heard glass breaking. She went around the corner of her home and saw the shattered living room window. Her son and his friends stood on the street frozen. One of the boys had hit the baseball through the window. Lesley was enraged! Last time it was the neighbor’s bedroom window. She’d told them many times to practice in the school yard nearby.She wanted to scream at them and slap them silly, every one of them!

Lesley knew that she was too angry to deal with the boys right then and she told them so. She sent her son to his room and his friends home. She changed into her jeans and a T-shirt, went out into the back yard and chopped some wood. As she chopped, her rage dissipated. She was still angry but not enraged. She then got her son to help her put some plywood over the broken window. Later that evening she and her husband sat down with their son to deal with the problem.

Lesley did not blow up, nor did she block her anger. She allowed her muscles to do what they needed to do – attack. But she did not attack her son or his friends, she attacked the wood. She actually destroyed something and created something simultaneously.

When people get angry, their bodies pump adrenalin into the bloodstream, preparing their muscles for fight or flight. Their muscles are primed to act and as they do the adrenalin is processed. However, if the anger is blocked then the muscles do not do what they naturally do. The adrenalin stays in the muscles often causing side effects, such as shakiness, until it is eventually processed. Blocked or unexpressed anger builds up over time. The brain and the body need to deal with it in some way. Some people blow up because they can no longer tolerate the tension. Others suppress and repress their anger which can lead to physical and emotional illnesses. Depression is often the symptom of repressed anger. Neither is healthy and both can cause a lot of harm.

It is not very easy to find wood to chop but there are lots of other ways to express anger constructively and productively.

Next blog post – Ideas for channeling anger.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Anger is usually a secondary feeling.

Underlying the anger there is another feeling – a vulnerable feeling – that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt.  Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired.  There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more.
In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case.
Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else, they may focus on a task, they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry.
Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger it may be possible to change what is going on.

Anger has a purpose.

When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen.
James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well.
What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointed is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities. Once he is aware, he can 1) do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance 2) give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good – his son about himself, James about himself and his parenting.
When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.

Explore the feelings underlying your anger.  What did you feel just before you got angry?

What is the purpose of your anger?  Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Parents and children get into power struggles all the time.  Parents want to feel in control of their children and children like autonomy.  When kids get too feisty and parents start to feel out of control they start to fight with their kids in order to regain control.  Kids rebel when parents get too controlling.  When kids rebel, parents feel they are losing control and come down harder on the kids.  The kids react by acting out and misbehaving. The more the kids act out the more the parents feel out of control and come down on the kids.  The more they come down on the kids the more the kids act out. This is a vicious cycle which can escalate to dangerous levels.

It takes two to fight.  Wise parents withdraw from the fight but do not abdicate their authority.  They switch to strategies carried out with a matter-of-fact attitude.  The key to success is the matter-of-fact attitude. The goal – everyone’s best interests are at heart.  Here are a couple of examples of everyday events handled using strategies.

NOTE:  If you really want to dominate and control your children do not switch to strategies.  When parents interact with their children using an attitude of I’m-the-boss-you-better-do-what-I-say-or-else, strategies do not work, they backfire.  Your power struggles with your children will only get worse.

Scenario 1: Having to go when the child does want to.

Janice needed to go grocery shopping with her two preschoolers, Joey age 4 and Lesley age 2.  Joey did not want to go shopping; he wanted to stay home and play but there was on one to stay home with. As they were getting ready to go out the door Joey refused to put on his shoes and jacket.  Not wanting to fight with him, Janice told him he did not have to wear them if he did not want to.  Without anger, Janice picked up a bag and put Joey’s shoes and jacket in the bag to take with them.  She told Joey that if he wanted them they were in the bag.   When Joey realized he was going to have to go, he put on his jacket and shoes.

Scenario 2:  Tidying up at bedtime.

At the end of every day George’s children left their toys, books, sports gear all over the place.  In a friendly way, George encouraged them to put their stuff away.  That did not work.  George’s voice got louder and he ordered the kids to put their stuff away.  That did not work.  Then George started barking at his kids. He angrily shouted threats at them if they didn’t put their stuff away.  The kids cried, complained and put their stuff away.  Everyone was miserable.  Going to bed became a nightly battle.

George did not like what was happening between him and the kids.  What he was doing was not working for him or for the kids.  So he decided to change.  He told the kids that he was tired of yelling at them to put their stuff away at night and he was not going to yell any more.  He said anything that was left out after the kids were in bed would be put away for 2 days and then they could have it back.  The kids listened to him and enjoyed not having dad yell at them when bedtime came.  After the kids were in bed George quickly picked up everything and put it away.  When the kids got up in the morning they looked for their stuff but they could not find it.  They asked their dad for it.  Without anger (or I-told-you-so-attitude) he told them that, since what they wanted had been left out, he had put it away.  He told them they could have their stuff in 2 days.  The kids begged, whined, cried and stomped for their stuff.  George was firm but not mean about it.  He repeated that they could have it back in 2 days.

That night when bedtime came George did not remind, nag, shout or make threats about putting stuff away.  Again, after the kids were in bed he picked up everything left out.  It did not take him long and it was a lot less stressful than making them do it.  Again in the morning the kids wanted their stuff.  George told them they could have it in 2 days.  The third evening when bedtime came, George did not remind.  He noticed that without being told, the kids were picking up some of their stuff and putting it away.  After they were in bed he picked up the rest.  The next morning he gave back to them the stuff that had been put away after the first night.  He did not say anything to them about putting it away the next time.  The kids were happy to have their stuff back.

Once the new routine had been in place for a week the kids quickly learned to pick up and put away anything that was important to them.  They just left the stuff they did not care about.  This was fine for George.  The kids were sorting out what was value to them and what was not.  George gave away or threw out the stuff that the kids had outgrown and did not want anymore.  One time George found a bag of stuff that had been put away many months ago.  On a rainy day he gave it to the kids. For them it was like new stuff and they enjoyed it for awhile.  George now enjoyed bedtime and his improved relationship with his kids.

Take any problematic situation that is ongoing and develop a strategy for it.  You may have to tweak it a bit to get it to work well.  Be consistant in carrying it out.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

On Friday, November 14, I was watching the news report on the tragic death of a teenage boy who ran away from home after fighting with his parents about his over-use of a video game.  He’d been missing for many days. He apparently died from a fall from a tree.

Fighting between parents and kids happens all the time. There are some unfortunate children for whom home is truly a horrible place to be and when they are old enough they take their chances on the street.

But in most cases the homes are safe and the families are loving.  When children passionately want to do (or not do) something and they run up against parents who pressure or block them, they often think of running away.  Some threaten to run away.  Few act on it.

This news story was one of those ordinary family struggles that turned extraordinary when the boy accidentally died.  The parents and the boy got into a power struggle about his video game behavior.  He threatened to leave home and his father helped him pack his knapsack.

When children actually run away, they usually realize, in a relatively short time, that not living at home is uncomfortable and scary.  They come back with a new respect and appreciation of home.  The parents are relieved their child is home safe.  Each is changed by the experience. They figure things out.  In this family’s case, the outcome was tragic.  The family never got the chance to reconcile.

Realistically, parents cannot stop their children from running away. Yes, parents can confine them to their rooms, but not forever.  When children are determined to run away, they will figure out how and when to do it. They are usually hurt and angry. They feel unloved. They feel powerless to influence their parents.  In an attempt to regain power,  they run away.

Some children will put themselves at risk to prove a point.

What to say and do if your child threatens to run away.

1.  Take seriously repeated threats to runaway.  Ignore frivolous threats.

2.  Parents need to extricate themselves from the power struggle. It takes two to fight.  When children are passionate about what is going on, most are unable to stop fighting. Parents are the ones that need to make the shift.  They need to stop fighting without abdicating their authority.  Not easy to do. Then children are less likely to actually leave.

3.  As best you can, let go of your anger.  If you are unable to, then talk about it.  Children need to know they are cared for and it is difficult for them to feel loved when parents are angry.

4. Tell your children in words that you do not want them to go.  They need to hear it.

5. Acknowledge that you cannot stop them from going.  By acknowledging your child’s power they do not have to push so hard to prove to you they have it. This means they no longer need to fight.  They can now choose to stay.

6. NEVER CALL A CHILD’S BLUFF.  Doing this escalates the power struggle and backs the child into a corner.  They are more likely to leave even though they do not want to.  They are more likely to do   something that puts them at risk.  NEVER HELP THEM PACK or do anything that makes them feel unwanted. It makes it harder for a child to come back home and save face when they do.

Examples:

Parent(s), “I don’t want you to go.  I want you to stay and work this out with me (us). I really care about you and I worry about your safety and well-being if you go.”

Parent(s), “I wish you would not go.  I do not like your decision, but I respect it.”

Parent(s), “I know I’m angry.  It’s because you are really important to me.  If I didn’t care about you I would not be angry.”

Parent(s), “I will be really sad if you go.”

Parent(s), “If you want to stay with your friend Jimmy or your grandmother for awhile, let’s arrange it.

Parent(s), “No matter what happens, you are always welcome to come back.”

Parent(s), “When you come back we will work things out so we can live together in a way that works for all of us.”

Parent(s), “I’m glad you’re back. Let’s just enjoy today and talk about things tomorrow.”

Parenting is not easy.  Few parents are prepared to handle situations like this.  As children get older, the stakes get higher.  My hope is that parents learn to handle power struggles in a healthy way and fewer tragedies happen.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea