Dr. Hellisen explained to us that female arousal is similar to male sexual arousal.  During arousal the blood flows to the genitals and vaginal area.  The pressure of the blood flow to the area causes some of the plasma to seep through the walls of the vagina and tissue of the genitals, creating the moisture (nature lubricant) which facilitates intercourse.  This process takes longer for women than it takes men to get an erection.  She said women’s bodies can only do so much of this which is why it can be helpful to use commercial lubricants.

When I was talking to her at the end of the workshop I mentioned to her that I had known the answer but felt too shy to say so.  She said that most people do not know this about female arousal.   This surprises me that so many people do not know how the human female body functions.  Humans do much better handling anything if they understand how it works.  If men and women understood why it takes a women’s body more time to be ready for intercourse, they both may be more invested in foreplay.  Men may also realize it’s to their benefit, as well as women’s, to take the time.

Sexual relations are such an important part of our lives and yet we still don’t educate our population about it.  Is it because it’s hard to talk about or because we don’t want to show our ignorance?  Maybe both?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems.  Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.  The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good.  [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]

Listen more, only asking for clarification if needed.  Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective.

Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about.  It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve hear their point of view.

Error 2. Jumping to solutions to a problem before you know what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it.  They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you.  Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.  If they are bringing up a problem, figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.

Listen intently and dig deeper into what your partner is bringing to your attention.

Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster.

Error 3. Analyzing each other.

Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors.  Examples: You’re just insecure.  You’re just like your father.  You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.  The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.

Stick to your partner’s behaviors that bother you and ask for change.

Keep your analysis to yourself.    If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want.  If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change.  Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.

Start right now improving your communication.  Don’t wait for your partner.  Positive efforts are likely to pay off.  You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

At the end of the session, while I was writing out the receipt, the couple had a small interaction that was their usual way of reacting to each other.  Each was assuming the negative about the other. They realized what they had just done and were smiling at catching themselves doing it. [This type of smile is called the recognition reflex]. Neither knew what to do next.

So I said to them, “Let’s back up and do this interaction again – only differently.”

The original interaction:

Joe was smiling because he felt good about how the session went.  He was looking at Amanda wondering how she was feeling about the session, but he did not say anything.  He was apprehensive that her reaction would be negative.

Amanda saw the look on Joe’s face and said to him, “When you crinkled your face up like that it makes me feel insecure about how the session went.”

The new interaction:

I said to Joe – Smile again at Amanda and tell her how you were feeling about the session.

Smiling, Joe said to Amanda, “I feel good about how the session went.”

With a warm smile, Amanda readily responded, “So do I.”

Both smiled even more.  The positive emotional connection between them was clearly evident.

I thought,   ”This couple is fun to work with.”

Couples, and others, can learn to shift their interactions from negative to positive  by backing up, redoing them differently.  They just need to learn what to say that would work.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Jackie collapsed on the sofa after yet another major fight with her husband. They have the same fight over and over again.  Jackie wants to spend more time with her husband.  He is always busy with work and several projects he has on the go.  She invites or suggests things to do together and he almost always has a reason or excuse not to accept.  Finally, when being friendly and inviting does not work, she complains to him that he makes other people a priority over her.   He feels attacked.  He defends himself by attacking her back, accusing her of doing the same thing – making her family more important than him.  She tried to tell him she only spent so much time with her family because he is never available, but he would not listen; he continues to attack and blame her.  He gets more and more angry. He complains about her time with her family, her time with her friends, her time studying photography.  He claims he was the one who compromises and sacrifices in their relationship.   He is the one not getting his needs met and she is to blame.  At the end of these fights they go to the opposite corners of their home.  Jackie feels alone – totally disconnect from her husband – the opposite of what she wants.

Every time Jackie tries to bring up an issue with her husband, she ends up defending herself.  She tries to address something with him but he turns it around so that she is at fault.   It ends up being all about his feelings and his needs. She feels confused and discourage.  She is at a loss of what to do.

What to do.

This is a common dynamic in troubled relationships. One partner brings up an issue for discussion and the other partner makes it all about him or her.  The original issue gets lost.  It becomes a pattern in the relationship.  Often the partner who brought up the issue does not understand what or how it happened.

First you need to be aware of the dynamic that is playing out between you and your partner.  It is very difficult, but not impossible to address an issue when you don’t know what it is.

Once you recognizes the dynamic, change your part in it.  You can’t control what your partner does but you can control what you do or don’t do.

Experiment with different behaviors.

For example, without talking about it, join your partner in whatever he or she is doing, whether your partner wants you there or not.  Try distancing from your partner and see if he or she seeks you out. Try all sorts of things – humor, tricks, gift certificates etc.  Be creative.  I’m always amazed at what couples can make happen.

If none of these things bring about change that is positive then seek out professional help.  Sometimes the core issue is difficulty with intimacy. Some people have a fear of being close.  This usually stems from issues from family of origin and/or even previous relationships.  Or, there may be some other underlying issue that is fueling the pattern. In a therapist ‘s office the issue can be kept on track and the dynamic explored.

Often partners are so involved in their relationship they do not have perspective on it.  A therapist can help a couple gain a fresh perspective on what is going on between them and then new possibilities for change become available.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I said, “Oh, you want to play the Punching Game.”  He said,  “Yes.”  We started swinging,  pretending to punch each other.  We did not hit each other. At first, I would just touch (not hit)  him occasionally with my fist until I realize that he was not touching me at all.  So I stopped touching him.

He delighted in this game, giggling and laughing.  He would swing his arms in the air, twirled around several times and then fall to the ground all the time laughing.  I followed his lead. From my knees, I would swing my arms, grunting as I made each “punch”.  When he fell to the ground, I would ‘fall over’ by dropping my head to the ground.  The game evolved as we played it over and over. He made changes.  After he dropped to the ground he began to wiggle over and put his head between my knees and my head.  We would look at each other ‘eyeball to eyeball’.  I would say ‘hello’ and we would laugh.  Then, we would get up and do it all over again.  He loves this game.  I especially love the moment when we are eyeball to eyeball.

He still asks me to play the ‘pun game’.  He can’t say ‘punch’ so it took me a while to figure out what he was asking.

Nobody gets hit. Nobody gets hurt.  We just have a lot of laughs when we play it.

Young children have impulses and urges they are learning to control.  Often they are told they are bad when they hit and bite. Their parents’ harsh tone of voice and angry facial expressions are distressing to them. That is hard on their self esteem. The behavior is not OK and needs to be shifted into positive behavior.  I believe that it is much better to channel their impulses into a healthy game so that they are not made to feel wrong or bad.

At one point when my boys were very little, both of them bit me.  I said, “Oh you want to play the ‘bite’ game.  Let’s take turns.”  I offered my hand and immediately pulled it away when I got bitten, complaining loudly – Ow ow ow ow ow!  Then I said, “It’s my turn.”  In a friendly way, I took their hand and I bit it, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to harm.  It did not take many turns of this for them to say they did not want to play the ‘bite’ game anymore.

Note to parents: if you cannot do this in the spirit of a fun game then don’t do it.

When they wanted to stop I said, “OK, let’s not play the ‘bite’ game.  Let’s do something else.”  I did not admonish or chastise them.  It was just a game.  This stopped the biting and hitting.

What I found interesting about my grandson was, after the first ‘punch’ he did not make contact at all when we played the game.  I followed his lead.  He has stopped punching me but, with great delight, we still play the Pun Game.

Protect your little one’s self esteem.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Years ago I can remember being busy in the kitchen.  My two boys, around ages 3 and 5, were playing in the living room.  Then they started fighting. Without saying a word, I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom.  Within seconds, they had joined forces and were banging on the bathroom door trying to get me to come out.

Children like to have their parents involved with them. Before children start to misbehave or fight with each other, they usually ask parents to play with them, read to them or just go for a walk or bike ride. Often they offer to help.  Lots of time children will play well together waiting for the parents to  finish their work. If none of these positive ways work, they will find negative way.  Mostly, I don’t think children do it consciously.  I believe, for them, any kind of involvement is better than no involvement.  They need the adult contact.

Often parents are legitimately busy since there is so much to do.  Other times, parents just don’t want to engage for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they’ve already spent a good chunk of time with the children.  Maybe they are tired, sick or distracted with other things. If children keep getting put off, then they start to do things that will bug the parents until they get involved.

A parent will usually get involved in their children’s fighting by rescuing the more vulnerable child. Usually, it’s the youngest, but not always.  Some younger children are more vibrant and determined than their older siblings.  Some older siblings are passive.  Rescuing one sibling from the other can create a dynamic of VICTIM-BULLY-ARBITRATOR.  The weaker child learns he or she can get the parent’s attention  by being a victim. The stronger child learns that he or she is can get the parent’s attention by being a bully.  The parent feels needed as the rescuer/arbitrator. Children mistakenly think they have to have parents to settle disputes and parents, laking faith in their children,  believe they are not able to get along.

Most of the time weaker children do need to be protected from stronger siblings.  HOW parents do that is a key to maintaining good relationships between the siblings and between parent and each child.

When parents are aware of the dynamics of triangulation they have more options in handling it.

WITHOUT JUDGING

TREAT BOTH CHILDREN THE SAME

Choose to be part of the triangle:

• Remove from both children what they are fighting over, e.g. a game, activity or toy.
• Help the children negotiate and brainstorm with each other.
• Ignore the fighting and suggest that you all do an activity together – work or play.

Decline to be part of the triangle:

• Send both children to their rooms for a specified time. (or to different parts of the home).
• Send both children outside. Children’s play usually improves when they are sent outside.
• Express your faith in your children that they can work things out for themselves.
• Remove yourself from the situation.

Of course, all of the above suggestions depend on the situation.  Some will work in some situations, but not in all.  Parents need to consider the circumstances and choose the best option.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Shawn, a 30 year old man and his mother are enjoying dinner in a restaurant. Mother’s cell phone rings and she answers it. It’s her husband. He angrily demands to know when she will be home. She gets flustered and looks frightened. She hands the cell phone to her son, saying she can’t hear her husband. Shawn gets exasperated with his father for once again putting pressure on his mother. Most of his life, Shawn has tried to protect his mother from his father’s domination. He grabs the phone, yells at his father to leave his mother alone and hangs up. His mother gets upset because she knows her husband will be furious at her when she gets home. She can no longer enjoy her time with her son. Her son can no longer enjoy his time with his mother because she is anxious and because he knows he cannot advocate her when she gets home. The rest of their conversation is spent talking about Mom’s relationship with Dad. They focus so much on Dad, it’s like he’s there with them. During this talk, Mother feels valued and cared for by her son.

TRIANGULATION :

In this scenario there is ongoing tension between the mother and father.  Both father and mother triangulate the son – father by phoning while they are enjoying time together  –  mother by giving her son the cell phone and telling him she can’t understand the father. The son allows himself to be triangulated by taking the phone and getting angry at the father.

How each could have handled the situation differently.

Possibility 1: Father does an activity by himself or with someone else.  He does not call.

Possibility 2: Mother turns off her cell phone, or lets it go to voicemail.

Possibility 3: Mother answers the call and deals with it herself, does not involve their son.

Possibility 4:  Son does not accept the cell phone when mother holds it out to him.  He refuses to be hooked in and reassures his mother that she can handle it. He says, “This is between you and Dad.  I’m going to stay out of it. You can handle it.” Mother deals with the call.  Mother and son continue their time together, not talking about father.

Mother and Father will reorganize their relationship differently if they stop triangulating – or are unable to triangulate – their son.  That would be healthy for all concerned.

Be aware of triangulation in your relationships.   Once aware, you can choose to be involved or you can respectfully decline.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I was cooking up some dinner for my two year old grandson as I happily awaited his arrival.  We were going to hangout together while mom and dad took in a movie.  I don’t think of it as babysitting because I love to spend time with him and he loves to spend time with me.

I buzzed them in.  My grandson, came running through the open door holding out something he wanted me to see -  a sticker of a car.  As usual, my son followed with their dog.  He put the dog out on the deck, put fresh water in the dog’s dish and then got ready to leave.

Then something unusual started to happen.  My son started to question his son about whether he wanted to stay with Nana or go with him.  I was confused because I was sure he was staying with me.  I could see that my grandson was confused.  I got the impression that there had been some kind of exchange between the two of them about his wanting or not wanting to stay with me.  My son kept grilling him.  “Do you want to stay with Nana ?” My grandson went from being happy and bubbly to quiet.  He nodded his head.  His dad’s tone of voice was unusual – there was an edge to it. That was not enough for my son, he kept asking, “Do you want to stay with Nana?”   I looked at my grandson.  He was clearly confused and not sure what to do.  He slowly walked toward the front door thinking he had to leave.  Again, his father asked him,  “Do you want to stay with Nana?” Again, my grandson nodded his head.

I couldn’t watch this anymore and stay silent.  I said to my son, “He nodded his head.  He has answered you.”  My son responded, “He’s got to say it.”  I said, “You’re putting him a bind.”  I looked at my grandson and smiled at him trying to reassure him.  He smiled back at me.  Finally, my son stopped, hugged his son and left.  Then my grandson turned back into his happy self, delighted to be with me.

There was tension between father and son.  I could see it , hear it and feel it.  I couldn’t believe that my son would put his son – a two year old – on the spot like this.  I was surprised because my son is a fantastic dad.  He loves his son and his son adores his dad.

At first I was just an observer.  Then I got hooked in the interaction. By advocating for my grandson, I became part of a triangle.

In hindsight, I wish I had avoided becoming part of the triangle.  I know my son is a super dad. Instead of criticizing him, I wish I had expressed more faith in him.  What I wish I’d said to my son was, “I don’t know what is going on between you two but I’m sure you will handle it OK. ” Then, I would have gone back to my cooking and let them work it out.

TRIANGULATION

Triangulation occurs in relationships when there is tension between two people, and a third person gets hooked into the interaction, creating  a triangle.

Triangulation happens in families all the time.  If you are not aware of triangulation and how it works, you usually do not even realize how or why you’ve been drawn into an interaction.

By understanding and being aware of the relationship dynamics in triangulation, you have a choice to become involved or not.  There are times when it is appropriate to get involved and times when it is appropriate and healthy not to engage.

If you choose NOT to become involved,  there are diplomatic ways NOT to engage. (Triangulation Pt. 2 and Pt.3)

If you do choose to become involved, then HOW you get involved is what matters.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

The reason we have the memories that we remember is because they provide us with a message. As discussed in How to talk about the past, memories are blue prints for how to do life.

In order to figure out the message you need to know how to decode the memory.

Here is an Early Recollection:

“THE STRAP”

I remember the strap that my father had. It was an ugly looking Tractor belt – wide and long. When one of the four of us “got the strap”, all four of us cried! That was our revenge! One afternoon when our parents were not home, my older sister and I decided to get rid of the strap once and for all. We got a spade, and some other digging tools from the garage, and dug a “BIG” hole at the very back of our large vegetable garden. We buried the strap!  It was never seen again!

Many, many years later, we did tell our parents what happened to the strap. Fortunately by then we could all have a good laugh.

Were the siblings participants or observers?

In this memory the two eldest were participants.  They weren’t just observing what was going on.

Were the siblings active or passive?

The two eldest were active.  They took action to deal with the problem.

The others were active when they all cried together.  Otherwise, they were either passive or not involved.

What was the quality of the relationship between the siblings?

They stuck together.

The two eldest took charge. They worked together as a team and acted for the good of all.  Together, they figured out what to do, when to do it, what they needed to do it, and then they carried it out.

What was the outcome – positive, negative or neutral?

What they did worked.  There were no bad consequences as a result of what they did.

The message this memory gives for how to live life:

When you have a problem in life that is affecting you and others, do something about it.  Stick together. Find one other person [or more] to help you deal with it.  Work together to find a solution that is good for all.  Plan it, get the right tools and execute it.  There likely will be no negative consequences.

What a positive recommendation for how to handle difficulties in life!

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

When someone in your family tells you a memory, pay close attention. They are sharing their modus operandi for life with you. If there are unhealed traumas from the past, talking about painful memories can help your family member heal.

Memories are blue prints for how to do life.

Children have millions of experiences by the time they are around five to six years old but they only remember a few of them. Why do they remember only a few and why those particular ones? When children are born into this world they quickly have to figure out how to survive, emotionally and physically. It is the emotion surrounding an event that determines meaning. With their limited knowledge and experience of life they come to conclusions about self, others and life. Then they live their life according to the conclusions they’ve come to, whether those conclusions are conscious or unconscious. Memories after the age of 6 are important as well; they tend to confirm or disconfirm previous conclusions.

How to talk about memories.

1.       Listen to the memories without interrupting. Your parent, spouse, child, sibling, cousin or other relative is telling you something important about themselves. Paying attention to them shows them you are interested in them and care about them.

2.       Memories can be happy, neutral or unhappy/painful. Enjoy the happy ones, be curious about the neutral ones and be empathetic with the painful ones. Often, healing can occur through the expression of feelings alone. It is possible for a child and an adult to heal emotionally from talking to a caring person about an experience they had as a child or young adult.

3.       Validate their experiences and the meaning they make of them. Do not argue about whether the events happened or not.  Just because you don’t remember an event does not mean it did not happen.  Or, if you remember the same event differently, it means you made different meaning out of it. Do not be concerned about the truth or facts of the memory. It may or may not be accurate. It is not about the facts; it is about the meaning the person made of their experience and the facts.

4.       Do not assume you know what their memory means. Ask “What do you make of that?” Say, “Tell me more about that.” Invite your family member to say more by being curious about it.

5.       Validate the feelings generated in the memory, positive and/or negative.

6.       If you want to share memories of your own, wait until they are finished.

Note:  Memories are not static.  As a person ages and their circumstances change, their memories may change, or even be forgotten completely.

Reminiscing is healthy if family members are open to listening to each other.

The above holds true of people who are non-family members as well.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea