As I mentioned in my last post, I attended Dr. Marta Helliesen’s workshop on Sex, Brain and Gestalt Therapy.  In the workshop she explained the physiology of male sexual arousal – the pressure of blood flow to the genitals produces an erection.  Then she asked if anyone knew the physiology of female sexual arousal.  Silence.   I knew but felt too shy to say so.  No one else answered.  I wonder how many others knew but were too shy to speak up.

Dr. Hellisen explained to us that female arousal is similar to male sexual arousal.  During arousal the blood flows to the genitals and vaginal area.  The pressure of the blood flow to the area causes some of the plasma to seep through the walls of the vagina and tissue of the genitals, creating the moisture (nature lubricant) which facilitates intercourse.  This process takes longer for women than it takes men to get an erection.  She said women’s bodies can only do so much of this which is why it can be helpful to use commercial lubricants.

When I was talking to her at the end of the workshop I mentioned to her that I had known the answer but felt too shy to say so.  She said that most people do not know this about female arousal.   This surprises me that so many people do not know how the human female body functions.  Humans do much better handling anything if they understand how it works.  If men and women understood why it takes a women’s body more time to be ready for intercourse, they both may be more invested in foreplay.  Men may also realize it’s to their benefit, as well as women’s, to take the time.

Sexual relations are such an important part of our lives and yet we still don’t educate our population about it.  Is it because it’s hard to talk about or because we don’t want to show our ignorance?  Maybe both?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I just recently (June 2010) attended the AAGT (Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) conference in Philadelphia.  I attended an interesting and informative workshop, titled: Sex & Brain and Gestalt Therapy, given by Dr. Marta Helliesen, a sex therapist [and former neuroscientist] in New York.   www.mkhelliesen.com.

I know that pornography is creating problems for both men and women in relationships in different ways.  I know that some people who look at pornography develop difficulty relating to a partner, but I did not know what created the problem.  Because I could not explain why it happened, I was often dismissed as   ‘just a woman’ and ‘not understanding men’.   Dr. Helliesen helped me understand how pornography can get in the way of normal sexual functioning with a partner.

People who look at pornography are primarily using their visual sense, in a heightened way.  The brain has a need for novelty and through pornography, especially on the Internet, it is quick and easy to get new and more graphic pictures.  This means that arousal and organism are quickly and easily achieved.  During these times men are not using their other senses of smell, sound, taste and touch that are normally involved during sexual encounters with a partner.  Without realizing it, they start to ‘turn off’ these senses and only focus on the visual.  This creates difficulty when they are with a partner. They find it more difficult to experience arousal and orgasm through smell, taste, sound and touch.  Because pornography so quickly arouses them and satisfies their interest and sexual urges, they become impatient with interactions with their partner.

It is possible, although difficult, for people to look at pornography and not shut down their other senses. They are still able to enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.  They are able to still find novelty in the nuances of touch, taste, sound and smell and experience pleasure in the time spent. They are able to connect emotionally to their partners and relate through sexual interaction.

Healthy sexual functioning and healthy sexual relationships are important to most people.  It is helpful to know what can go wrong and why.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Error 1. Interrupting

Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems.  Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.  The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good.  [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]

Listen more, only asking for clarification if needed.  Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective.

Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about.  It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve hear their point of view.

Error 2. Jumping to solutions to a problem before you know what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it.  They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you.  Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.  If they are bringing up a problem, figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.

Listen intently and dig deeper into what your partner is bringing to your attention.

Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster.

Error 3. Analyzing each other.

Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors.  Examples: You’re just insecure.  You’re just like your father.  You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.  The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.

Stick to your partner’s behaviors that bother you and ask for change.

Keep your analysis to yourself.    If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want.  If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change.  Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.

Start right now improving your communication.  Don’t wait for your partner.  Positive efforts are likely to pay off.  You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

I was hanging out with my two and a half year old grandson one Saturday at my home, playing with him as usual.  He spied some rocks that I’ve picked up in my travels at various places around the world.  He  picked them up and started to throw them.  I said to him, “No flying rocks in the house.”  He thought that was hilarious.  I guess I shouldn’t have called them ‘flying rocks’.  He wanted to throw them again.  I grabbed the rocks before he could get them and would not give them to him.  Well,  he went into a rage!  The classic 2 year old rage!  I thought, “Oh oh.  I’m in a power struggle.”  To my surprise, I started to giggle.  He was a little surprise, but kept on with his tantrum.  Still giggling, I got up and ran into my bedroom and rolled across the bed.  He came running after me.  The chase was on!  As I rolled across the bed,  I hid the rocks under the pillows.  Then I rolled off the other side of the bed and ran out of the room. By now he was laughing and giggling too.  I’m sure watching Nana roll across the bed was hoot.  The rocks were forgotten and our fun afternoon continued.

A week later we’re hanging out again.  He saw the rocks sitting on the night table beside my bed.  I thought, “I should have hidden them.”  He tried to stack them up and was having difficulty doing it.  I helped him stack them.  Once stacked, he lost interested in them and went on to something else.  He showed no interest in throwing them.

I remember this type interaction happening with my sons when they were little.  But giggling to shift out of a power struggle was not something I could have done back then.  It certainly never occurred to me to do so.  I was not as secure in myself then. Also, I was a much more serious person than I am now.

I also realize that being a grandmother is very different than being a parent. I hangout with my grandson a few hours a week – it’s not the 24/7 parents deal with.  Even so, I wished I had been able to handle power struggles with more lightness when I’d been a young mother.

There are many ways to get out of power struggles with others.  Try giggling your way out of power struggles with your children or grandchildren – maybe even adults.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

For me, the best part of attending the 2010 Olympic Opening Ceremonies was the energy I experienced from the moment I got into the line up to enter the stadium to walking out with everyone in the rain afterwords.  It was a happy crowd.

Being a participant of the ceremonies is very different from watching it on TV.  I felt a part of it.  Sixty thousand people!  It is the energy you experience that makes the difference.  You don’t get that when you watch it on TV.  You don’t just hear the cheering, clapping and pounding on the drums, you feel the vibrations from it. During the program there is so much to see.  When you watch it on TV, the camera decides what you’re going to focus on.  When you are there, you can look around at all the activities going on. You see things that the camera never shows. You can focus on what you want to look at.

Our seats were on the floor of the stadium, close enough to the stage to see the faces of all the performers. It was especially fun to see all the smiling faces of the athletes as they entered.  They were really enjoying the experience.

One theme of the ceremonies was the 4 different First Nations people, and the rest of Canadians, welcoming the athletes. The other theme was winter, apropos for a winter Olympics, complete with different types of fake snow – soap suds?? and confetti.  White was the color of the day.  It created a great atmosphere.

I enjoyed most of the program.  It was impressive. I liked how the movie of the snowboarder on the mountains ended with him [albeit at different person] bursting into the stadium on his snowboard. I was amazed at the different landscapes that were created by projecting images on the huge white stage. There were ice fields, oceans, fields and mountains conveying the vastness of Canada.  There were killer whales swimming in the oceans, spouting up misty air as they surfaced.  There were thunderstorms and aurora borealis.  There was so much to see.  K.D Lang’s performance of Leonard Cohen song, Alleluia, was very moving.

I enjoyed sharing the experience with my sons and my good friend, SS.  In the middle of the program my eldest son leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for bringing him.

Now the downside.

When the National Anthem started, we were all standing.  I sang the first line of the anthem and then –  the anthem when sideways.  It was a jazzed up version of the anthem which might have been fine in some other situation or setting but certainly not this one.  It did not make our hearts ‘glow’.  I was just standing there confused and puzzled.  I did not feel right.  I felt disconnected from everyone.  Not being able to sing the National Anthem together with 60,000 people was a huge unexpected disappointment.  What a missed opportunity!  I’ve lived in Vancouver for almost 44 years.  I’ve seen the city change from mostly Caucasian people to one with 45% Asian people, as well as people from many other races.  The best way for people to feel connected to each other is to sing together, especially the National Anthem. I saw the movie, The Singing Revolution, the story of the Estonian people, who retained their independence from Russia by uniting and connecting through singing. There is such power in singing together!  Whoever made the decision to have that version of Oh Canada – what were they thinking????????    I hope they do not do that for the Closing Ceremonies.  I also did not enjoy the opera singer who sang the Olympic anthem. Not a good night for anthems.

Apart from the surprise disappointment, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  Now when I watch future Opening Ceremonies I will recall what it was like to be at the 2010 Opening Ceremonies.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I always loved watching the OLYMPIC Opening  Ceremonies of the various hosting countries.  I’ve always wondered what it would be like to attend one.  This year I got my chance.  I entered the lottery contest and qualified to purchase 4 of the best seats.  Expensive!  I invited my good friend, who is Egyptian.  When I met her I told her that since I was a little girl I had always wanted to visit Egypt.  In 2007, she put together a tour of friends and guided us on a fabulous trip through Egypt.   Taking her to the Opening ceremonies was a way I could express my gratitude.

I intended to sell two of the tickets to cover the cost, or at least reduce the cost but, other than put the word out, I never did anything serious to sell the tickets, such put them for sale on the Internet. In the end, I invited my two sons to attend with me.  I wanted to share the experience with them. The night before I gave a ticket to each of my sons as they would be making their own way from work to the stadium.

My friend invited me to a pre-game linner [lunch + dinner].  She managed to get an excellent restaurant, very near the stadium, to open early for the occasion.  We took a taxi to the restaurant.  Excitement was in the air.   We got out near the restaurant because the traffic was moving too slowly.  The roads were busy and there were many street closures.  At one point as we walked along, I lost my friend and turned back to find her.  She was buying some Canadian flags.  As I approached her I suddenly looked up, right beside her there was a camera filming an on-the-spot interview with a person-in-the-street.  Oooops!   I didn’t plan to be a part of that.  She got her flags and we took off for the restaurant.

After a delicious linner in a calm atmosphere, we headed out into crowds. Getting through security in a timely manner was not going to be easy.  I’d heard that it might take 2-3 hours to get through.  Instructions were for everyone to be seated an hour before the ceremony began because we had things to do and activities to practice.  There were lots of police and volunteers directing us to the security entrances.  It took 40-45 minutes to get through security. Once in, we were able to get to our seats quickly – only 15 minutes late.  I was so intent on finding our specific seats that I wasn’t looking at the people. For a few seconds, I thought there was a guy in one of our seats when I suddenly realized it was my youngest son.  I had not expected either of my sons to get there before we did. My eldest son arrived half an hour later and we quickly filled him in on what to do.

On each seat there was a cardboard box, designed and decorated like a drum, with goodies in it.  We needed to put batteries in two flashlights, one a regular one and the other a ‘candle’ with a yellow glow.  There was a drum stick with a round ball at the end, a Canadian flag and a white Styrofoam poncho. Each section had a leader who guided us through the what, how and when to use all the things in the ‘drum’.

We practiced the countdown with the lights on.  In each section some of the drums were blue on the back and some were white. Mine was white and we were in section 1.  Someone counted down from 10.  As each number was called we stood up and held up our drums.  The white drums displayed the number and the blue ones made up the background.  With the lights on, what we saw was all the people standing up as their section number was called.  With the lights out, you couldn’t see the people – only the giant numbers.  They really stood out.  Across the stadium we could see the numbers as they appeared in the crowd – 10…9…8 etc.

The practicing was lots of fun.  The whole place was buzzing with energy.

Next Post: the highs and lows of the ceremonies.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Recently one of my clients talked about the confusion and distress her teenage son was experiencing at going back and forth between his mom’s home and his dad’s home.   She said her heart went out to him when he said to her, “I feel like I don’t live anywhere.”  She responded to his plight by telling him that he could live with her and that he could visit his father anytime he wanted.  Fortunately, for the adolescent, the parents worked well around custody and access.  The mother discussed with her ex-husband their son’s distress and he agreed that the son could live full time with his mother.  She said her son’s confusions and distress lessened once he  settle down full time at her place. He continued to see his father a lot.

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Yesterday I saw a couple for the first time.  They are a feisty couple, very engaged with each other, but at this point in their relationship, not in a good way. In the session, I was able to get them to take responsibility for what each was doing that was, not wrong, just not working for them.  I asked each to take responsibility for what they were doing in their interaction and work to change themselves rather than trying to change the other.  We discussed specific ways they could change. Both are strong willed yet still open to change.  They were desperate for change and willing to try something different.

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Scenario:

Again John ended up comforting his wife as she sobbed. She was in a lot of [emotional] pain.  He tried to reassure her that she was a good person – that he loved her.  What he felt was hollow, empty and hopeless.  Every time he tried to raise an issue in their relationship, she would take it as criticism of her as a person, as a wife, as an adult.  No matter how gently and non-judgmentally he would raise an issue, it was like he was burying a knife up to the hilt in her heart.  She got so deeply hurt that she became oblivious of him.  He had difficulty when she was in pain. He had troubling handling his own emotions and her distress triggered distress in him.  He found he would stop feeling his own distress if he focused on her.  He would let go of what he was trying to address, reassure her that he still loved her and that she was not a bad person.  At first, he was able to do this passionately because he deeply loved his wife.  Once she was reassured, with relief, they both enjoyed the loving feelings they shared.  But after so many interactions where bringing up his concerns turned into him consoling her, he felt confused, lost and alone.  Without any way to address change in their relationship,  John’s love was wearing thin.  He was at a loss of what to do.

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Scenario

Jackie collapsed on the sofa after yet another major fight with her husband. They have the same fight over and over again.  Jackie wants to spend more time with her husband.  He is always busy with work and several projects he has on the go.  She invites or suggests things to do together and he almost always has a reason or excuse not to accept.  Finally, when being friendly and inviting does not work, she complains to him that he makes other people a priority over her.   He feels attacked.  He defends himself by attacking her back, accusing her of doing the same thing – making her family more important than him.  She tried to tell him she only spent so much time with her family because he is never available, but he would not listen; he continues to attack and blame her.  He gets more and more angry. He complains about her time with her family, her time with her friends, her time studying photography.  He claims he was the one who compromises and sacrifices in their relationship.   He is the one not getting his needs met and she is to blame.  At the end of these fights they go to the opposite corners of their home.  Jackie feels alone – totally disconnect from her husband – the opposite of what she wants.

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