Archive for May, 2008

Relationship Communication Skills: Make the Fuzzy Clear

Too often in conversations and interactions people assume they know what the other person is talking about or doing. Without checking out their assumptions they act as if what they assume is true or fact. Sometimes their assumptions are indeed true and communication is clear. However, when their assumptions are incorrect communication tends to go sideways.

In relationships we know our partners well. Usually we know what they think, feel, value, expect, get upset and excited about. Sometimes though, knowing each other too well creates blind spots. Clarifying can help navigate the blind spots.

PRONOUNS

Pronouns often make communication fuzzy: I, mine, he, she, his, hers, they, them, you, yours, we, us, one, it, this, that, these, those, other(s), etc.

Example A: Bob’s mother and her sister are coming for dinner.

Bob, “My mom said my aunt is a little unsure that you want her to come. She wants you to give her a call.”

Ann (thinking the ‘her’ referred to is Bob’s aunt), “I don’t feel comfortable calling her.”

(For Bob the ‘her’ is his mother). Bob (impatient), “What’s the big deal? Give her a call.”

Ann: (feels pressured and wants to avoid) It’s your family. You do it. I bought the groceries and I’m making the dinner. You haven’t done much at all.

THE FIGHT IS ON. Now the issue shifts away from making a phone call.

Make the fuzzy clear: Ann, “Who, your mom or your aunt?”

Example B: Sue, “This week I’m going on the road with my boss.”

Greg, “Yesterday I really impressed my boss with what I did. You know, when you get an opportunity to make more of an impact you should go for it.”

[When people say ‘you' they could be referring to you, they could mean themselves, or everyone one in general.]

Make the fuzzy clear: Sue, When you say ‘you’ do you mean yourself, everyone or me?”

Example C: Siggie: We’re going to Joan’s for a potluck dinner. Do you want to come?

[Knowing specifically who or what is involved helps you make decisions that work out better for you.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Jane: (Thinking – It depends on who is going.) Who is ‘we’?

Example D: Joe, “I’m working late every night next week. The week after I’m going out of town for 3 days. It gets more and more difficult.”

[What is the ‘it'? Working a lot? Traveling? Keeping up? Getting enough time with family?]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: John, ” What is it that is more difficult for you?”

Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

QUALIFIERS

Words that qualify can have different meaning for different people.

Sometimes, early/late, in a little while, high/low, hard/soft, big/small, strong/weak, fast/slow, positive/negative, mostly/slightly, more/less, helpful/not helpful, harmful, safe/dangerous etc.

When people communicate they often have different ideas in mind. It is often helpful to inquire more about what someone is thinking or intending before you respond. What is difficult for one person may seem easy to another. What is slightly stressful for one person may be really stressful for another.

Example E: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Sam, “When you say you will be late, how late is late?

Example F: Make the Fuzzy Clear: Julie, “You mentioned you wanted to earn more money, how much more do you have in mind?”

Example G: Fred, “Stop doing that, it’s harmful.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “What exactly do you find ‘harmful’? [He thinks he know sbut perhaps it is not what he expects.]

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “How do you see it as harmful?”

[The key here is the word YOU. The receiver may or may not see it as harmful but to the sender it is harmful. Rather than argue about whether or not it is harmful, inquire how the sender views it, or experiences it as harmful.

IDIOSYNCRATIC (personal) MEANING

People often use the same words or expressions but have different meanings for them. Often the meanings are only slightly different but sometimes they are vastly different.

Take the word ‘drunk’ for instance. We all have a common meaning for ‘drunk’. Yet a person who had a parent who was a mean drunk when they were growing up has a different additional meaning for ‘drunk’ than a person who had a parent who occasionally got drunk and was funny when they did.

Words

Example H: My Tennis Instructor: “I no longer trust Federer.” (Federer is a top tennis player.)

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Me: “In what way don’t you trust him?” (I was inquiring about what he meant by the word ‘trust’.)

Phrases

Example I

‘Losing it’ refers to a range of behaviors varying from almost nothing to extreme violence. For some people ‘losing it’ means saying something or doing something when usually they say or do nothing. Some people use this expression when they just mean that they lost their focus. For other people ‘losing it’ means they became physical, either with only themselves (punched a hole in the wall), or with someone else (punched someone else).

‘Losing it’ could also mean becoming emotional. For some people this could mean showing a few tears while for others it means they became hysterical.

Example J: Jim: “Boy, I lost it with my manager yesterday.”

Make the Fuzzy Clear: Rick, “When you say you ‘lost it’ what exactly did you say and do?”

Inquiring early in a conversation keeps communication clear. Clarifying leads to clearer understanding, effective communication, and less reactivity. Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.

I encourage all of you to assume less and clarify more.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

How Feeling What You Feel Can Guide You to Positive Action.

It took me many years to complete my Ph.D. Acquaintances, friends and family would often ask me “When will you be finished?” I got tired of this question because I did not have the answer. I told people to stop asking me. I told them that when I finish I’d let them know.

Well, the day finally came. In the morning I successfully defended my research! The professors shook my hand and called me Dr. Mackay. How wonderfully strange it sounded.

Good friends took me out for a congratulatory lunch. I came home and started making the phone calls to let friends and family know. Most people were at work so I left lots of messages. Then I was done. As I sat there, calm for the first time this day, I became aware that I felt sad. I was puzzled. Why on earth was I sad when I just completed something I was really happy about? I sat with my sadness and let myself feel it.

Gradually I became aware of what I was sad about. Who do you want to tell when you’ve done something fantastic? Mom and Dad, right? Well both my parents were deceased, so I could not tell them. That made me sadder. I let myself feel the sadness that I could never share this with them.

I don’t know where it came from, but I got the idea of writing to people who knew my parents and knew me – people who would know how my parents would have felt about what I had achieved. So I got out writing paper and wrote to my parents’ best friends, people who had known me all of my life. I also wrote to the parents of a long-term friend of mine who also knew my parents. I told them what had just happened and that I was writing them because I could not let my parents know. When I had finished I felt good – like I had completed something.

Shortly after that the phone started ringing with many congratulations and I felt happy again.

About a week later I received flowers from both parties with congratulations. They said they were delighted that I’d written to them and let them know. They told me how proud my parents would have been. It was wonderful! It was sort of like I’d told my parents.

If I had not let myself feel my sadness I would have never gotten to the action that gave me a sense of closure and brought me such good feelings.

Let yourself feel what you feel. It can guide you to positive action.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Personal Stories, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Husbands, Rate Your Wives (social norms from the 1930′s)

Husbands, rate your wives is an article from the American Psychological Association (APA) that shows an interesting glimpse into the social norms of the 1930s—and early attempts to improve marriages through scientific assessment and matchmaking.

“Some of psychology’s most interesting artifacts reflect not only the zeitgeist of the times but the personalities of the psychologists behind them. One such example is the “Marital Rating Scale—Wife’s Chart,” a test developed in the late 1930s by George W. Crane, MD, PhD, (1901–95) of Northwestern University, who ran a counseling practice, wrote a syndicated national newspaper column called “The Worry Clinic” and started his own matchmaking service.”

marital scale test

Husbands, rate your wives
By Nick Joyce and David B. Baker, PhD
Monitor on Psychology Volume 39, No. 5 May 2008 (p.1

____________________________

Share your reactions to this article with us.

Sometime it helps to gain perspective on your life by looking at history. Here are the expectations (demands?) a doctor/counselor had of wives 70 years ago.

Share your thoughts on this with us.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Personal Stories, Relationship Dynamics, Troubled Relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Minimizing your Troubles can be Harmful to Your Health

It’s easy to minimize what is troubling you. Just look at the news and you see the current disaster(s) that has happened. You see and hear about people who have lost their homes, lost members of their families or are recovering from injuries from serious accidents.

You can always find someone who is worse off than you.

Let’s say that you and a friend are in a car accident and you are both injured. Your friend has two broken arms and two broken legs. You have a dislocated index finger. She is much worse off that you are. Of course your friend will get treatment for her injuries. But that does not mean you are not in pain. That does not mean you do not get treatment. If you do not get treatment your index finger will continue to bother you, causing you pain and discomfort. It will not heal properly and will hamper your ability to use your hand for a lifetime.

People often dismiss what is bothering them. They tell themselves that they should not let such small troubles bother them because other people are worse off. This is effective when people truly let go. Then their vulnerable feelings dissipate. However, it is more common that people ignore their feelings, pushing them to the back of their minds. The feelings do not dissipate; they are parked somewhere in the brain.

As life goes on and more of these times happen, more vulnerable feelings build up in the brain like a stack of coins piling up. Each situation by itself is not a big deal. But when circumstances do not change and feelings accumulate, little things grow into bigger things. One day, a small event happens, and the reaction to it is over the top. Others do not see the stacking up of the smaller events; they only see the over reaction to the one small event. They judge. They criticize. They blame.

Example:

Randy and Paula had planned a Get-away-weekend. Randy had really been looking forward to getting away. He needed the break from the project he was working on at work. Paula became sick and they had to cancel. He brushed off his disappointment because, after all, it wasn’t any one’s fault. There was nothing that could be done about it. He looked after Paula throughout the weekend.

On Monday when he got back to work he still could not get the project to go the way he wanted. By Tuesday he was frustrated and disappointed. He blew up at one of his co-workers. The co-worker felt blindsided by the intensity of Randy’s anger and refused to work with him.

People fear that if they allow themselves to feel their feelings they will get worse. The opposite is true. When people allow themselves to feel what they feel, they recover quickly – much more quickly than if they suppress their feelings. Then there is no backlog of feeling that can cause problems later, perhaps when you least expect it.

You are entitled to feel what you feel. It is healthy to feel what you feel. What is is. If you are sad, feel sad. If you are hurt, feel hurt. If you are lonely, feel lonely. Breathe through your feelings.

Allowing yourself to feel what you feel often leads to appropriate action.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Make Relationship Changes Now (Pt. 3): Don’t Agree to do Anything that You Really Don’t want to do.

It’s a given that people in relationship need things from one another. Sometimes you want to do what is needed to be done. Sometimes you don’t want to, but you don’t mind doing it. Occasionally you really do not want to do what your partner needs you to do.

It is important to know two truths:

Saying ‘no’ to your partner does not mean you do not love him or her.

Saying ‘no’ to your partner can actually make your relationship better by avoiding problems.

How to avoid backing yourself into a corner.

1) Ask for time before you agree.

When your spouse asks you to do something that you are not sure you want to do, ask for time.

Example: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”

2) If you can’t keep your promise, inform your partner ASAP

Example 1:

“Last week when I promised to ………, I forgot that my brother is coming into town so I can’t do it.”

3) Renegotiate with Your Partner ASAP

When you have already agreed to do something that later you realize you really do not want to do, use the After-the-Fact Communication skill with you partner.

Through discussion the couple can come up with another solution that each feels OK about.

Example 1:

“I know that yesterday I agreed to do …………… but I’ve had a chance to think about it and I really don’t want to do it. Let’s talk about it.”

Scenario 1: Yesterday Fran had promised she would make dinner today for Eddie and herself. During the day she realized it was going to be too stressful for her to do that. She phoned Eddie and says I’ve had chance to think about it and I would rather meet you for a drink at Bottoms Up and then go for seafood at Kettle of Fish. It’s on me. Are you OK with that?

Scenario 1:

Susan and Bill have a schedule about who picks up the children from daycare. Susan has been asking Bill to pick up the children on her days more and more often. While he is OK about doing it occasionally for her, doing it too often interferes with his work. He began feeling stressed and resentful toward her. Bill told Susan what he felt and through discussion they found another option – Susan’s mother was able to pick up the children one day a week which alleviated Susan ‘s stress level and tight schedule.

Or:

Susan may say she did not realize that she was doing this. She may have thought Bill was OK with it because he never complained. She may ask him to pick up the kids today but she will make more of an effort to keep her commitments in the future.

_____________________________

Marriage and long-term relationships require a lot of collaboration. Couples are always asking each other for help, for favors, for support, for input, for backup and to do work. Couples who work together as a team feel good about each other and the good feelings they have help them deal more easily with what issues and problems they have. Each feels connected to the other and not alone in the world. This is the ideal.

In courtship this is often the way it is. Lovers in love want to all sorts of things for each other. Making the your lover’s life easier gives you pleasure. You enjoy their appreciation. When you lover does something for you, you feel loved and valued. You want to return the good will. A positive interactive cycle develops between the couple and gains momentum. As long as the giving and receiving is reciprocal, all is right with the world. The couple will work well together.

As relationships shift from courtship into permanent on-going day-to-day living, couples settle into patterns with each other. The first year of living together is about developing these patterns, some of which are conscious and some of which are unconscious.

Life is life. Things happen. Life busy. Sometimes we agree to do something for our partner without thinking about it. Perhaps we just want to ease their life. Other times we want to avoid an argument and our partner’s wrath. We could be distracted when we agree to do something and not think it through before we agree.

What happens when we agree to do something that we realize that we can’t follow through on? Well that’s easy. As soon as we realize the problem, we can use the After-the-Fact Communication skill to go back to our partner and let them know.

But what happens when we agree to do something that afterwards we do not want to do? Perhaps we even realize we don’t want to do it when we agree to it but we don’t say so.

Some people will go ahead and do it because they’ve given their word. If they do not feel resentful about it, there is no problem. But they realize that for their own good and that of the relationship they need to say ‘no’ to something that they really do not want to do.

But all too often what happens is the person does not go to their partner with the problem. They intend to do what they agreed to, but they procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate. Now there is a new problem between the couple.

“You said you would ……… and you haven’t. You’ve let me down. You’ve made be look foolish. You’ve caused me more work. I can’t count on you. I can’t trust you. You lied to me.”

Avoid these problems. Don’t agree to do something that you really don’t want to do.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Advice, Communication Skills, Compatible Decision Quiz, Emotions, Personal Stories, Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Resources | 1 Comment »

Relationship Communication Skills: Turn your Questions into Statements.

People often ask questions when they are really making statements. Sometimes this is intentional but mostly people don’t even realize they are communicating in this way.

Some examples:

“Do you want to see a movie tonight?” may actually be “I want to see a movie tonight and I want you to come with me.

Are you leaving now? may actually be “I don’t want you to leave now.”

“Don’t you have to be somewhere by 8:00?” may actually be “I want you to leave so I can get back to what I was doing.”

“Did you take out the garbage?” may actually be “ If you have not taken out the garbage I’m going to be mad at you because I have to do the bulk of the household chores. The least you can do is take out the garbage.”

“Are you coming to bed soon?” may actually be “I’m feeling randy and I’m hoping I can entice you into making love.”

“Have you done your homework?” may actually be “If you have not done your homework you’re going to be in trouble because I need you to do well in school.”

“What are you doing?” could really mean “I don’t like what you’re doing!” or “I really like what you are doing!”

Usually the person being asked this kind of question takes it at face value, as a request for information, and answers accordingly. This may develop into an argument that neither want to have on a topic that is not the real issue.

If a husband asks his wife – Do you have to go out tonight? – she may explain that she has made a commitment and needs to keep it. “I promised Janie I’d have coffee with her.” or “ I need to get groceries.” The conversation may escalate into an argument about whether or not she really has to go or that she is going out too much. Perhaps she feels he’s trying to control her.

What the husband is actually saying is “We’ve both been really busy lately and I would like to spend some time with you?” If he had made this statement, his wife would know what is really going on with him and be able to respond to the real issue. She could generate options. She could set up a time to be together soon. She could come home early. She could put off what she was going to do to another time. Depending on the situation, she could invite him to go with her. Now the couple is communicating clearly with each other. Each feels cared about rather than frustrated.

Usually a question is just a question – a request for information. But many questions are really disguised statements with the sender’s real message hidden within them. When that happens people can feel interrogated, manipulated, attacked or put on the spot. When questions are disguised statements a person can feel set up and get defensive. These kinds of questions create resentment which leads to lots of arguments and poor communication. After awhile spouses become wary of any questions. Before long relationships deteriorate.

By making statements instead of asking questions communication remains clear. The real issues are more likely to get addressed in a friendly, respectful and even caring manner.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Posted in Communication Skills, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Dynamics, Uncategorized | No Comments »