Scenario 1: Bill said he would be home for dinner at 7:00. He gets tied up with a client at work and forgets to phone Susan. He arrives home tired and hungry at 9:00 pm. Susan is upset. She asks, “Why didn’t you call and let me know?” Susan feels unimportant not not considered. Bill feels justified, he was working hard for his family. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 2: Bill takes the kids for a hike. They have a great day and are gone longer than intended. They are expected at Susan’s parents for dinner. When they get home they all need to get cleaned up. They are tired and cranky. They are late getting to her parents. Susan feels stressed. She’s angry at Bill for taking so long. Bill feels unjustly criticized, he was being a good dad. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 3: Bill and Susan go to a party with friends. About an hour and a half into the party Susan is looking for Bill and cannot find him anywhere. She asks around but no one has seen him. Another hour later Bill comes back with his friend who had also been at the party. Bill tells Susan that his friend asked for his advice about his car and they had been out back tinkering with it. Susan feels alone. Bill feels justified, he was being helpful. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 4: Bill and Susan have friends over for dinner. Bill is a great host. But, as soon as the guests walk in the door Susan feels that he is treating her and the children differently – like they don’t matter. Susan feels like she and the children are second class citizens. Bill feels unjustifiably accused. He was being a good host. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario: xxx: They fight about it but do not resolve.

Couples have differences. There are always problems to address. Couples discuss. They fight. Early in a relationship when an issue comes up, a couple will take it on, discuss it, argue and fight about it. Each tries to get his or her view point across to the other. Each tries to resolve it. Lots of times they are able to resolve it, sometimes in a healthy way, sometimes in an unhealthy way. But other times they are not able to get to a workable outcome. When this happens the issue gets dropped and some how the couple get over it or beyond it. Then the next problem comes up and the same thing happens. Each tries to resolve it yet neither are able to. It does not go away, it just goes under the carpet. This happens over and over again. There is a building of unresolved issues. There is a backlog of hurt and resentment.

I call these fights the Merry-go-round fights. It’s like riding a merry-go-round at the amusement park. An issue comes up. Couples jump on the merry-go-round. They go round and round. They go up and down. And, when they get off they are in exactly the same spot as they were before they got on. Nothing has changed. Neither feels good.

The next issue comes up. Again, they hop on the merry-go-round. They go round and round. They go up and down. When they get off, they are still in the same place. This pattern repeats again and again.

At first, couples are eager to hop on the merry-go-round. They are eager to resolve the issues. They care about each other. They have lots of energy for it. They try hard. Then they try harder. Yet, they are still unable to resolve. It does not seem to matter how hard they try. The rides usually escalate and get longer and more difficult. Eventually, one gets tired of going on the merry-go-round. An issue or problem will come up and one wants to fight, the other doesn’t. What for? He or she knows that they will go for a ride and nothing will change. When the ride is over they get off at the same place once gain. There is no point. Why waste the energy? They don’t want to waste the time. No one wants to fight until three in the morning and not get anywhere, especially if they have to go to work the next day. Both just feel worse – discouraged and hopeless. Eventually, neither wants to fight. The couple gradually falls into a funk and disconnect from each other. Over time the relationship goes numb or dead. Couples may stay together this way or they may break up.

Healthy couples are able to find a way to resolve their issues and problems. They listen to each others concerns and complaints. They are willing to see their partner’s point of view. They are open to seeing things from a different perspective. They brainstorm possible solutions and come up with changes to try. Then each make changes. They keep what works. They discard what doesn’t. They fine tune the changes until they are mutually satisfied with the results. Then they feel good about what they achieved together. They feel like a team working well together. The fight may have been difficult but it is productive. They are in a new better place! The fight was worth the time and energy. The couple feel connected to each other. They have developed a good working relationship. Partners who feel good about each other are more easily able to resolve issues.

No more merry-go-round rides!

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

“The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head,
Although I know it’s only in my mind that I’m talking to myself and not to him.”

Eponine in Les Miserable

One of the ways that people cope in an unhappy relationship is to avoid the reality of the life they are living. They develop a fantasy world where they go to feel happy. This world can be about a past lover – a once real relationship that did not work out for one reason or another. The daydreaming is about what might have happened if it had worked out. It could be a world about having a relationship with a real life celebrity. Or, it can be a totally fictitious relationship with an imaginary lover. People are creative. There are many variations on this theme.

In this fantasy world the dreamer has total control. They can make happen what they want, make happen what they long for. He or she can enter this world any time they want and when they do they leave behind the pain of reality. They get respite from the emotional pain. All the while they are in the daydream they are having fun, may be madly in love, pleased, excited, content and happy. They feel valuable and important to someone. Often it is the only time they are happy.

The problem is when they come out of their fantasy world and have to face reality again. It is hard to give up the good feelings. It is difficult to re-experience the real life painful feelings again or the numbness they go into. They want to find another time soon to escape back into the fantasy. It’s kind of like an addiction.

Eventually, this fantasy world wears thin and the pain of coming out of this imaginary world becomes so distressful that something has got to change. Unhealthy people may become suicidal, turn to alcohol and drugs, or other destructive behaviors.

Healthy people will choose to stop entering the fantasy world. They will start making changes in their real world – in their real marriage. They will address the problems in their relationship and either make things better or end the relationship. To help them, they seek out resources in the community in the form of family, friends and counseling.

Living in a fantasy world is very isolating and people are meant to live in community.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Note to readers: I invite you to send in your stories of how you lived inside your head and how you got out of it.

For people who are conflicted about remaining in their relationship, Valentine’s Day can be a day to dread, along with anniversaries and family holidays. The conflict people already feel is escalated trying to figure out what to do about it.

Do you try to ignore it? Maybe arrange to be out of town on business or visiting relatives. Do you fake it – pretend everything is fine in the relationship? Buy a loving card, gift and arrange to eat out? Send flowers? But that means giving your partner false hope. You don’t want to do that either. But mostly, you don’t want to fight about it because that will just be painful.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

If you were my client I would work with you to find out what works best for you given your situation. However, since that is not an option, here is another possibiltiy.

Be congruent. It is usually best to be congruent. Tell your partner that you are not feeling good about the relationship right now and you would like to be low key about how the two of you celebrate it. Suggest that you go to a (non romantic) movie together.

For today, get through the day as best you can. For tomorrow, (i.e. the near future), what you need to do is resolve your inner conflict about your relationship. Try your best to repair it, because if you are able to, it will be worth it. Couples who overcome adversity have stronger happier marriages. And, if you are unable to, you will know you did everything you could before you gave up. Then start taking the actions required to end it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

What’s it like to be conflicted in a relationship?

People who are conflicted are constantly thinking about the pros and cons of leaving and the pros and cons of staying. They constantly question what they think and what they feel. As well, most of the time they are feeling pain and distress that varies from mild to severe. They try all sorts of things to improve the relationship – reasoning, convincing, pleading, buying things, going on holidays, adapting, adjusting, individual and couple counselling, etc. Some people blame their partners and some blame themselves.

When people who are conflicted still cannot get their needs met they often give up and resign themselves to the relationship the way it is. To endure it, they do many things to distract from the pain and sense of powerlessness. If there are children they will focus on them. Many people turn to their children and pets for love and affection because they cannot get those needs met from their spouse. They may work longer hours, go out often with friends, spend more time doing hobbies such as sports, gardening, chess, music, video games and partying. If there is no love in the relationship they may experience grief and loss of ever finding love and happiness. They may numb out the pain with affairs, gambling, drinking and/or drugging.

Thinking about breaking up and actually breaking up are two different things. At one time the pendulum swings toward breaking up. An unhappy spouse will think and think and think about breaking up and finally get to the point where action is required. To take the actions necessary to break up is very difficult. Taking action creates conflict and emotional pain. It evokes fears. The pendulum swings back again, giving relief from the potential stress.

Most people are conflicted about staying in or ending their relationship at one time or another. Even people who remain married or in relationship for the rest of their lives still go through natural developmental stages that bring into question whether or not to stay together. Couples that have developed a good working relationship usually are able to negotiated these times easily. Their relationship remains healthy and evolves to the next stage. But couples who have not been able to develop a way to handle differences and resolve problems have a much more difficult time going these stages. Their relationships are more likely to become unhealthy and get stuck at one stage or another. When relationships get stuck, one or both members of the couple then tend to swing back and forth, like a pendulum, between staying and leaving.

Relationships and marriages are rarely all bad. When they are, there is no decision about whether or not to end it, it is a matter of, if it is possible, and if so, when. In very abusive relationships it may be dangerous to leave. Research shows that in such marriages a spouse is most likely to be harmed when he or she tries to leave the relationship. Children are often at risk during this time as well.

Relationships may be a ratio of 80/20% bad to good or 60/40% bad to good, or even 70/30% good to bad. When an unhappy spouse thinks of leaving what comes to the foreground is the grief and loss about the good in the relationship that they have to give up. No one wants to give up the good stuff! They fear that they may never find it again. They often confuse grief and loss with love. That’s when the pendulum starts to swing the other way. As they start to think again about staying, the grief and loss dissipates. Now they continue to swing toward staying and again investing themselves in the marriage. But then the difficulties in the relationship come to the foreground. They feel the pain of ongoing interactions that are painful and stressful. They start to dread certain times such as coming home and spending time together. They dread special days such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries. They may fantasize about their spouse having a fatal car accident or dying of a disease. When it gets to be more than they can stand the pendulum starts to swing back the other way. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes the pendulum goes slowly back and forth. Sometimes a particular event or interaction may trigger the pendulum to swing quickly from one side to the other.

It takes action to change this distressful pattern – actions that invest oneself again in the relationship and either attempts to make the relationship better or just tolerate it the way it is. And, it requires actions to exit.

When people do take actions often their lives go into chaos. The old patterns, routines and habits are shaken up. While shaking up a stuck relationship is required to reorganize, it is extremely stressful for all involved. During this stage many people will reconcile, not because they want the relationship, but because they want to stop the confusion, stress, fear and emotional pain. They long for the familiar even that is stressful too. At least they know that stress. The pendulum swings back again.

Couples often break up and reconcile several times before they finally make the changes needed to stay together. Some people change only when the stakes are high. In marriage break up, the stakes can be very high. Or, before they finally break up for good.

It is very difficult to take the actions needed to stop the pendulum from swinging.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com